NEW Added on 6/30/2018
THE SECRETARY..[Admin. Asst.]
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice,
so he decided to ask his secretary [Admin. Assistant] for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said,
"You graduated from the University of Nevada and I need some help.
If I were to give you $40,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
His secretary thought a moment, and then replied,
"Everything but my earrings."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/29/2018
GEORGE CARLIN ...REMEMBERED
HE SAID.....
Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting....
"...holy shit ...what a ride!"...
GEORGE CARLIN ...REMEMBERED
R.I.P.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/28/2018
A DEVOTED WIFE
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.
Now he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said,
"You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?"
"What, my dear?" she asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/27/2018
$800.00 DOLLARS
A man is getting into the shower as his wife is getting out,
when the
doorbell rings.
She quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
She opens the door to Fred, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Fred says,
'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, she drops it and stands naked in front of Fred.
After a few seconds, Fred hands her $800 and leaves.
Wrapping herself in the towel, as she gets to the bathroom, her
husband asks: 'Who was that?'
'It was Fred the next door neighbor' she replies.
'Great!' the husband says,
'did he drop off the $800 he owes me?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/26/2018
A LESSON
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit
saw the eagle and asked him,
'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered:
'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
The Lesson of this story is:
To be sitting and doing nothing,
you must be sitting very, very high up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/25/2018
THE DRUNK
A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading the items on the conveyor belt to check out,
a drunkstanding behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases,
the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
She was a bit startled by this proclamation,
but was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about the items that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said:
"Well, you know what,you're absolutely right.
But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/24/2018
KING SOLOMON
Two women came before wise King Solomon,
dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon,
"and I shall hew the young attorney in half.
Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said,
"Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood.
Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment.
He proclaimed, "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter."
"But she was willing to let you hew him in two!"
exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon.
"That shows she is the TRUE mother- in-law."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/23/2018
CHINA
While in China , John is very sexually promiscuous
and does not use a condom.
A week after arriving back
home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his 'tool' covered with
bright green and purple freckles.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never
having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells him to return
in two days.
John returns a couple of days and the doctor says 'I've got bad
news for you.
You've contracted Mongolian VD.
It's very rare and almost
unheard of here.
We know very little about it'.
John says 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc'.
The
doctor answers 'I'm sorry,
there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your 'tool'.
He screams in horror 'Absolutely not!
I want a second opinion'.
The doctor replies 'Well, it's your choice.
Go ahead if you want but
surgery is your only choice'.
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his tool and
proclaims 'Ah yes, Mongolian VD.
Vely lare disease'.John says to the doctor,
"My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my tool?"
The Chinese
doctor shakes his head and laughs
'Stupid Amelican docta,
always want to opelate.
They make more money that way.
No need to
opelate!'
'Oh Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes' says the Chinese doctor
'You no worry! Wait two weeks.
Dick fall off by itself! You save money'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/22/2018
THE BROTHEL
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well- dressed, good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive - and there were no discounts.
The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man.
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"
The man replied, "South Dakota."
"Really!" she said. "I have family in South Dakota."
"I know," the man said.
"Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/21/2018
HOW TO START A FIGHT
My wife
was hinting about what she wanted......
for our
upcoming
Anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny
that goes from 0 to 180 in
About 3 seconds."
I bought her
a chrome bathroom scale.
And then the fight
started.......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/20/2018
MORE JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE
Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The position of the dirt bag.
Q. Why do Las Vegas strippers have belly button rings?
A. That's where they hang the air freshener.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/19/2018
HOW TO START A FIGHT
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked,
"What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight
started...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/18/2018
JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE
Q. What do you call a smart Blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do attorneys use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a Blonde baby?
A. They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'
Q. What is an Irish 7 course meal?
A. A six pack and a potato.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/17/2018
THE ZOO
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/16/2018
Q & A
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What has four legs and an arm?
A. A happy pit-bull.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/15/2018
THE BARBER SHOP
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,
"How long before I can
get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,
"About two hours." The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop
and said,
"About three hours." The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
"How long
before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said,
"About an hour and a half." The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor.
Follow
that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for
a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes from laughter and said, "Your house".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/14/2018
BLONDE JOKE
Q: What did the Blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/13/2018
HOW TO START A FIGHT
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
Reunion,
She kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he
sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know
him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.
I understand
he took
To drinking
right after we split up those many years
ago,
I hear he
Hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I
said,
"Who would think a person could go on
Celebrating that
long?"
And then the fight
started...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/12/2018
TRIBUTE TO JEWISH MOTHERS
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with that hat!
Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the
other kids?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/11/2018
NOAH AND THE ARK
In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah,
who was now living in the
United States, and said,
'Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me'.
'Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans'.
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the
Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard
- but no Ark.
'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'
'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed.
I needed
a building permit.
I've been arguing with the inspector about the need
for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding
the height limitations.
We had to go to the Development Appeal Board
for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for
the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions,
to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
I told them that
the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it'.
'Noah continued, getting the wood was another problem.
There's a ban
on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to
convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to SAVE the owls
- but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd
conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building
crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of
most of the people who want to work.
The trade unions say I can't use my sons.
They insist I have to hire
only union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to
finish this Ark.'
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow
stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
'You
mean you're not going to destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord.
'The government beat me to it.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/10/2018
BLONDE JOKE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The very Blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said
'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered,
'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/9/2018
HOW TO START A FIGHT
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have
sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,
'Is that your
final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply
saying, 'Yes..'
So I said,
"Then I'd like to phone a
friend."
And that's when the fight
started...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/8/2018
BLONDE JOKE
A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the Blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The Blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/7/2018
RANDOM THOUGHTS
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/6/2018
THE VACATION
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica.
They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such....
when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a
Jamaican accent say,
'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!'
So they walked in, and the Jamaican said,
'I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in...
Dey make you wild at sex.
'The wife got really interested in buying the sandals,
but the husband felt he really didn't need them.
The husband asked the shopkeeper,
'How could sandals make you into a sexfreak?
'The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.
You doan haff to do nutting cept try dem on.
'So the husband, after some badgering from his wife,
finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes.
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican,
bent him violently over a table,
yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants,
and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming,
'You got dem on da wrong feet! Mon....
you got dem on da wrong feet!'...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/5/2018
TRIBUTE TO JEWISH MOTHERS
MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"A ceiling you paint?
Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children?
Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/4/2018
THE FLU BUGS
A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon.
When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule.
So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day
they would go to bed at 5:15.
In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15.
This went on for months, never missing a day until
the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.
The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three.
These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over
their survival plans.
One germ said,
"I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot.
I don't think the antibiotics will find me there".
A second exclaimed,
"I am going to hide behind her right ear.
I don't think they'll find me there."
The last germ said,
"I don't know about you guys, but when the 5:15 pulls out tonight,
I'm gonna be on it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/3/2018
NEW AIRLINE CHARGES
CLICK HERE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/2/2018
GETTING EVEN
Q. How do you get even with a lying cheating bitch?
A. Pour a bottle of Champagne on her grave,.............
after passing it through your kidneys.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 6/1/2018
MORE JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE
Q. Why do criminals want to move to West Virginia ?
A. Everyone has the same DNA.
Q. Why do drivers' education classes in Southern schools use the car only on...
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
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