 JEWELSShe told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you're not wearing any of those things," replied the artist. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSaround the sun every year. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER & WITNESS....Q & AWITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A STORY'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top..... but it won't keep you there. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE RECTUM STRECHERA lawyer from Canada drove down to the States for some fishing over the long weekend in his beat-up station wagon. Upon his return to Canada over the Rainbow Bridge, a cop jumps out at the end of the bridge holding a radar gun and stops the car. The cop walks over to the lawyer and asked 'Do you have any idea how fast you were going?' The lawyer said in reply 'No.' The cop then said 'You were going a hundred in a seventy zone.' 'Well, if you know then why the hell are you asking me?' said the lawyer with sarcasm. The cop thought to himself that he's got a little smartass on his hands, looking at the lawyer's beat-up wagon, and his stench from the weekend of fishing, the cop then said to the lawyer...... 'I don't think you can afford the ticket there, buddy.' The lawyer said 'Oh, I think I can.' 'What do you do for a living?' asked the cop. 'A Rectum Stretcher.' the lawyer said. 'A Rectum Stretcher?!? Now, just what the hell does a Rectum Stretcher do?' 'I stretch rectums.' replied the lawyer. 'How the hell do you do that?' asked the cop with amazement. 'Well, at first you put a couple of fingers in there and stretch it out a bit...... then work your hands in, and then your arms till it gets about 6 feet wide.' said the lawyer. 'What the hell do you do with a six foot rectum?' asked the now confused cop. 'You give him a radar gun...... dress him in a blue uniform.... and put him at the end of the Rainbow Bridge.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FLOODAfter about 1 full hour of complete non-stop rain, they started making evacuations because the whole church was flooding, but the preacher just stood there in the ankle-deep water. A guy in a car came up to him and said. "Preacher,Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" But the preacher just replied "Don't worry God will save me." The man drove away. The water was now knee-deep and a guy in a raft came over to the Preacher and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" Despite the second warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." The man rowed away in the orange raft. The water was now waist-deep and a guy in a power boat came to the Preacher and said "Preacher,Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" Despite the third warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." With that the man jetted away in the power boat. The water was now neck-deep and a guy in a helicopter came and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get your butt in here before you drown " The Preacher still just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." And with that the man flew away. The water then got so deep that the Preacher was sucked under and died. When he opened his eyes he noticed that he was in heaven. He then saw God and asked "God! Why didn't you save me from that horrible flood?!?" God then replied, " I sent you a car.... a raft.... a power boat.... and a helicopter! What else do you want from me?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER & WITNESS....Q & AWhat school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral.. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AN AGE OLD QUESTIONWomen always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. I have the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; This is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you’ll never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARand orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, 'Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.' The customer replies, 'I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PETER'S STORYOn a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, then the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face him, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at him. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and..... slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. It probably wasn't the same elephant........  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEN'S EXERCISE ROUTINEIf you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some. Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!  That's enough for the first day. Great job. Have a Beer! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLIND CUSTOMERThe owner, walks up to him and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a fork used by a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah,yes, that's what I'll have--meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen and tells his wife Gladys, the cook, what just happened. The blind man eats and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him A menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry! I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him. He tells his wife Gladys that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The man returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Gladys, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Gladys complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I have your fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, "Hey, I didn't know Gladys worked here!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Musical recliners. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & AA. Mace will do that to you. Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? A. Because those men already have boyfriends. Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? A. 10 years and 45 lbs ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & AA. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A. A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & AA. A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time ..' and a southern fairytale begins... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.... Q. Why is air a lot like sex? A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the Blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway... |
