NEW Added on 12/31/2020
THE GRAND FINALE
HAPPY NEW YEAR
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/30/2020
MAY - DECEMBER
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, 'It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26!
What kind of a wedding is that?'
The other says, 'Well, we have a name for it in my family.'
'What do you call it?'
'We call it a football wedding.'
The first asks, 'What's a football wedding?'
The other says, 'She's waiting for him to kick off!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/29/2020
20 YEARS IN PRISON
A man is crying in the basement.
In comes his wife.
"WHAT ARE YOU CRYING ABOUT?"!!!!!!!
He replies,
"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were 16?"
"YES, SO WHAT?"
"He said I could marry you or do 20 years in prison."
"YEAH, SO WHAT?"
He wept,
"Today is the day I would have gotten out!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/28/2020
THE MISSIONARY
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and
build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English,
so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief,
"This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says,
"This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of Heavy sexual activity.
The padre is really flustered and quickly responds,
"Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe
how to be civilized and kind to each other....
so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/27/2020
BLONDE JOKE
A guy spent the day walking around town looking for a job.
He finally walked into an adult store.
"Do you have any work for me?" he asked the owner.
The owner smiled and responded,
"You come as if you have been sent from heaven.
I just opened another store and I need for someone to mind this store for me."
"When do I start?" the guy asked.
"Now. I'm leaving for the other store shortly."
The owner explained all the ins and outs and then left.
First to enter the store was a Caucasian woman.
She walked around and stopped at the dildo rack.
"How much for the white dildo?"
"Forty dollars," he said.
"How much for the black dildo?"
"Forty dollars."
"Give me the . . . uh, black one.
I've never had a black one before." She paid and left.
Soon an African-American woman walked in.
She too walked around and stopped at the dildo rack.
"How much for the black dildo?" she asked.
"Forty dollars."
"How much for the white dildo?"
"Forty dollars."
After thinking a moment, the woman said, "Give me the . . . uh, white one.
I've never had a white one before." She paid and left.
Then a Blonde woman walked in.
She walked around and stopped at the dildo rack.
"How much for the white dildo?" she asked.
"Forty dollars."
"How much for the black dildo?"
"Forty dollars."
"And how much for the checkered one on your counter there?"
"Two hundred dollars."
"Give me . . . uh, the checkered one.
I've never had a checkered one before." She paid and left.
Closing time came around and the owner returned.
"How was your first day?"
"Great!" the guy responded.
"I sold a white and a black dildo for forty bucks each,
and I sold your thermos for two hundred."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/26/2020
"Santas Pickup Lines"
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
2. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
3. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
4. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!
5. Some of my best toys run on batteries.
6. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)
7. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
8. Forget the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!
9. Wanna join My "Mile High" club?
Alex and The Most Beautiful Women in the World,
WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A
HAPPY PEACEFUL NEW YEAR |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/25/2020
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
A CHRISTMAS STORY
Twas, the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.
No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There'd be no damn reindeer, and no stupid clatter.
There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I'll be alone, my Hewlet Packard and me.
I won't race to the window, I'll have no ecstasy.
I'll just sit right here... with Windows XP.
There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.
I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that's about.
As I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.
A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And asked, if I might like to chat for a while.
She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.
She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.
She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight.
He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.
So, she thought she'd use it, "I guess it's all right."
She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How, she was expected to be a good wife.
She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because, she was forced, to do such silly deeds.
She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me...... she was oversexed.
She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.
He's always too busy, and getting too old.
Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her, to have cyber-sex.
I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got *really* good.
After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.
She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.
She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.
She said, only.... on this night, she could be found.
It is only.... this night, her husband leaves town.
She said bye, and signed off... And, I had to pause.
I think I just cybered... with *Mrs.* Santa Claus!!!!
Alex and The Most Beautiful Women in the World,
WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A
HAPPY PEACEFUL NEW YEAR |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/24/2020
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE XMAS
at The SOPRANO'S HOUSE
'Twas the night before christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin,
Cause I had a gun under da pilla.
When up on da roof,
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window and yelled,
"Yo!, Keep it down."
When what to my wonderin'
eyes should appear,
But the Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer.
Wit' slicked back hair,
and a red silk suit,
Don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought all da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a wack 'side dare heads,
He shouted and swore,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Artie, Yo Manny,
Yo Benedict,and Tom;
Hay Stevie, Hay StuDog
Hay Freddy and Dom"
As I pulled out my gun,
And hid by da bed,
He flew in'da window,
And smacked me in'da head!
"What da hell you doin',
Pullin' a gun on da Don?"
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin moron!"
Den shovin' his finga,
Right under my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he gave dem a beatin'.
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did not expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"
Alex and The Most Beautiful Women in the World,
WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A
HAPPY PEACEFUL NEW YEAR |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/23/2020
SANTA AND THE ANGEL
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
It had been a very stressful Christmas Eve for Santa.
Four of his elves were sick, and the trainees couldn't do the work right.
Then Mrs. Claus said that her mother was coming for a visit,
stressing Santa even more.
When he checked on his reindeer.
Three were about to give birth, and two had run off to who knows where.
Santa then decided to get coffee and a shot of whiskey.
But the elves had hit the liquor cabinet and emptied it.
Then the doorbell rang, and Santa cussed under his breath on the way to the door.
There was this little angel carrying a big Christmas tree.
She asked,
"Hey fat man, where would you like me to put this tree?"
And that is the story of how the little angel got to be on top of the Christmas tree.
Alex and The Most Beautiful Women in the World,
WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A
HAPPY PEACEFUL NEW YEAR |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/22/2020
THE CHRISTMAS DIVORCE
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says,
"I hate to ruin your day,
but I have to tell you that your Mom and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,
so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,
" She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,
"You are NOT getting divorced.
Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says,
"the kids are coming for Christmas and paying their own way."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/21/2020
BILL CLINTON
White House staffers were perplexed one morning to see Bill Clinton....
walk in to the Oval Office with a pair of woman's panties on his arm.
Somewhat used to the president's tendencies,
they let it go and went about their daily tasks.
The day wore on;
several VIPs were ushered in and out of the Oval Office....
for meetings with Clinton about important affairs of the state.
Each one left with a puzzled expression on their face....
but no one dared ask about the President's personal business.
Finally, Betty Currie, Clifton's loyal secretary walked into the office
between appointments
and gently closed the door behind her.
"Mr. President," she said,
"We've come to expect many unusual things from you....
but we're all quite concerned that you seem to be wearing....
a pair of woman's panties on your arm.
Please tell me this doesn't mean more trouble."
"Oh no," the President grinned.
"It's The Patch.
I'm trying to quit."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/20/2020
MY SISTER
Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the barkeeper,
"Hiya, Mike. Set 'em up for me and my pal here."
Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted,
"This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one.
And the pinball machines in the back are free!"
"That's not so great,"responded the friend.
"There's a bar across town That'll match you drink for drink,
and you can get laid in the back for free."
"Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed.
"Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow replied,
"but my sister goes there all the time."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/19/2020
BLONDE ONE LINERS
Q: How do you know when a Blonde has been making chocolate
chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: Did you hear about the Blonde that robbed a bank?
A: She tied up the safe and blew the guard.
Q: How many Blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Blondes screw in back seats, not in lightbulbs, silly.
Q: Why do all Blondes have a dimple in their chin and a flat
forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know....
Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
Q: Why do Blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating Blonde men.
Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
Q: Why did the Blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
A Blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
"I don't have to think -- I'm Blonde!"
Did you hear about the Blonde mom who kept an icepack on
her chest to keep the milk fresh?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/18/2020
THE FARMER
A salesman knocks on the farmer's door, and when he gets no answer,
he walks around to the back of the house.
There's the farmer with a cow's tail lifted up, planting a huge wet kiss
on the cow's asshole.
The salesman says, "Man, are you queer or what?"
The farmer says,
"No. I've got chapped lips, and it keeps me from lickin' em."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/17/2020
THE ITALIAN MOTHER
A young Italian American man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love
and going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Mama,
I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess....
which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house....
sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Mama. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"
"Naturally, 'She's the only one I don't like'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/16/2020
PMS
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of,
old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety
of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said,
"Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere
and that he would look for it.
The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside
and showed her a passage which read,...
"...And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/15/2020
RASIN BREAD
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear
short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances
at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof and the location
of the raisin bread], he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please", the man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread,
which is located on the very top shelf.
The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with
an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves
as he's having company for dinner.
As she retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers
notices what's going on.
Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to
enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another
male customer.
Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see her
climb up and down.
After many trips she's tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to
have to try this bread for herself!!!
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men
standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her.
Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man,
"Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the old man, "but it's starting to twitch".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/14/2020
BLONDE JOKE
A Blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message
to her mother in Poland.
When the man tells her it will be $300 She exclaims...
"I don't have any money..
but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"
To that the man asks "Anything"??
And the Blonde says "yes.. Anything"!!
With that, the man says "Follow me"
He walks into the next room and tells her
"Come in and close the door"
She does!!
He then says "Get on your knees"..She does!!..
He then says take down my zipper"..She does!!...
He then says "Go ahead... Take it out"
With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands!!
The man then says "Well.. Go ahead"!!...
She brings her mouth closer to it,
and while holding it close to her lips.. She says
"HELLO, MOM"????
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/13/2020
THE OLD COUPLE
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman
said to his wife, 'Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.'
'Yeah,' she replied, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here
at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said,
'We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered, 'What do you say...should we get naked?'
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,
'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I'm not surprised,' replied Gramps.
'You've got one in your coffee and the other in your oatmeal!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/12/2020
APPLYING FOR A JOB
Fred was applying for a job as a flagman/switch operator on the railroad.
The chief engineer was conducting the interview.
'What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1
and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?'
Fred quickly answered, 'Well, I'd call my brother.'
The chief engineer just sat there for a second.
'Why would you call your brother?'
'He's never seen a train wreck before.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/11/2020
THE INDIAN
A pretty girl is driving through the west.
Her car runs out or gas, and an Indian comes along on a horse, and gives her a ride to a gas station.
Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk.
Finally, he drops her off with a final "Yiiieee-yiiieee-yiiiee!" and gallops off.
"My god!" says the gas station guy.
"What were you doing to that Indian to make him holler like that?"
"Why, nothing," says the girl.
"I just sat behind him with my arms around him, holding onto his saddle horn."
"Lady..." says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/10/2020
BLIND SINCE BIRTH
Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived......
an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.
By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest,
when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going.
In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.'
'It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is much the same as yours.
I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.
Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.'
'Oh, that would be wonderful,' replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said,
'Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears;
your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail.
I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'
'Oh, thank you! Thank you,' cried the bunny in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake,
'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me.'
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked,
'Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.
I'd say you must be a Lawyer.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/9/2020
HIS LURID PAST
After three years of marriage,
Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past....
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time,
"how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested,
"if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry,
and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said,
"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven -
and then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/8/2020
MORMONS AND CATHOLICS
A Catholic priest and a Mormon bishop found themselves sitting next to
each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turns to the bishop and asks,
Is it still a requirement of your faith that you are not to drink coffee?
The Mormon bishop responds,
Yes that is still one of our beliefs.
The Catholic priest then asks,
Have you ever had a cup of coffee?
Yes, says the Mormon bishop, I have to admit-on one occasion
I did succumb to temptation and tried a cup of coffee.
The Catholic priest nods in understanding and goes on with his reading.
A while later, the Mormon bishop speaks up and asks....
Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?
Yes it's still one of our vows.
The Mormon bishop then asks,
Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?
The Catholic priest replied,
Yes, Bishop, on one occasion, I was weak and broke my vow.
The Mormon bishop nodded understandingly for a moment.
A few minutes later he smiled, looked at the Catholic priest and then said,
A lot better than coffee, isn't it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/7/2020
THE TEXAN
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar, because,
he announces, his wife has just produced "a typical Texas" baby boy
weighing 25 pounds.
Congratulations showered him from all around, as well as many exclamations
of a "WOW!" from the crowd.
Two women faint due to sympathy pains from just imagining the size
of such an infant.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says,
"Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds
at birth, how much does he weigh now?"
.
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
Puzzled, the bartender says,
"Geez, what happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/6/2020
THE BIRDS AND BEES
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech.
At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech.
When I Was 8, you hit me with the there's no tooth fairy' speech.
If you tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, I'll have nothing left to live for."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/5/2020
THE DRUNK
A drunk stagered up at a fairground rifle range booth
and threw down the necessary money.
The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn,
considering that his drunken state would endanger the public.
But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target....
and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times.
The booth owner, on inspecting the target,
was astonished to see that he had scored three bull's-eyes.
The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware,
but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done,
and gave him instead a consolation prize....
a small, live turtle.
The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back,
even more drunk than before.
Once again the showman demurred,
but once again the drunk insisted,
and once more scored three bull's-eyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt.
Once more he picked up the rifle,
waved it around in the general direction of the target,
and pulled the trigger three times.
Once more he had scored three bull's-eyes.
But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.
"That's fantastic", the man said.
"Hasn't he scored three bullseyes?"
The showman, cursing his luck,
made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes, sir!" he announced to the crowd.
"This is fantastic!
Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize,
this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"
"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied.
"Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/4/2020
BLONDE JOKE
A blind man walks into a bar frequented by women.
After a few drinks,he asks the bartender,
"Hey,wanna here a Blonde joke?"
Suddenly a voice beside him says,
"you need to know something.
The bartender is a 6'2" Blonde and is a amateur boxer.
I am a 200 pound construction worker who happens to be a Blonde,
the bouncer is a Blonde,
the two ladies sitting behind you are Blondes,
one is a self defense instructor and the other has a black belt in karate.
Are you sure you want to tell your joke?"
The man says,
"Hell No, if I gotta explain it 5 times, it won't be as funny."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/3/2020
A GORILLA STORY
A gorilla is walking through the jungle.
He parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink
of water with his butt sticking up in the air.
The gorilla thinks to himself that it would be really funny if he snuck up
behind this 'King of the Jungle' and slipped him the old sausage.
So the gorilla sneaks up on his tiptoes behind the lion, grabs him by the hips
and starts pumping him in the butt as hard as he can.
Then, he pulls out and runs away, laughing his head off.
He thinks it is the funniest thing he's ever done in his life, screwing the
'King of the Jungle' in the rear end.
The lion is shocked and upset, lets out a mighty ROAR and chases the gorilla
through the jungle.
Now, the gorilla can't run very fast and the lion keeps getting closer and closer,
so the gorilla ducks into a campsite, puts on some safari clothes and pith helmet,
picks up a newspaper, sits down and holds it up to his face,
and makes like he is reading it.
Just then, the lion comes busting through the jungle.
'RRRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!' he says.
'Did you just see a big gorilla run through here?'
The gorilla starts shaking behind the paper.
'Uh, you mean the one that just humped your butt?' he stutters.
The lion sits up with a start and says,
'Jesus! It's in the paper already?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/2/2020
BOB'S BIRTHDAY
Bob works hard at the plant and spends most evenings....
bowling or playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard,
so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Bob, how ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Bob.
"He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says,
"You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League,
We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around him.
"Hi Bob," she says,
"Want your usual table dance?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door,
he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says,
"Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Bob."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/1/2020
NEW BABY
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife
if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
'I'm afraid I don't have a husband' she replies.
'OK do you have a boyfriend?' asks the Midwife.
'No, no boyfriend either.'
'Do you have a partner then?'
'No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own.'
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
'You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you
see her that the baby is black.'
'Well,' replies the girl. 'I was very down on my luck, with no money and
nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie.
The lead man was black.'
'Oh, I'm very sorry,' says the midwife, 'that's really none of my business
and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but
I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.'
'Well yes,' the girl again replies, 'you see I desperately needed the money and
there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?'
'Oh, I'm sorry,' the midwife repeats, 'that's really none of my business and
I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.'
'Well yes,' continues the girl, 'I was incredibly hard up and there was a
little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.'
At this the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents
her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, 'Well thank heaven for that!'
'What do you mean?' says the shocked midwife.
'Well,' says the girl extremely relieved,
'I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!'
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