NEW Added on 12/31/2022
 HAPPY NEW YEAR
THE GRAND FINALE
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert,
some folks, new to boating, were having a problem.
No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand
new 22 foot boat, going.
It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina,
thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.
The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down,
and the propeller was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer
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NEW Added on 12/30/2022
>IN THE BAR
Note: Dean Martin's Favorite Joke
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender asks him "What'll it be?"
The grasshopper says "I don't care".
The bartender says...
"Did you know that we have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper looks up at the bartender as says...
"You have a drink named Irving?"
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NEW Added on 12/29/2022
THE CUCKOLD
We had been in the crowded bar for about five minutes when a man walked in waving a forty-five caliber pistol with an eight shot clip.
The noisy bar suddenly got very quiet.
“Somebody has been fooling around with my wife Maria,” the man yelled.
“When I find out who it is I’m going to shoot him.”
From the back of the bar someone said, “Your Maria?
You Idiot, you need to go home and get a lot more ammunition than that.”
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NEW Added on 12/28/2022
HOMELESS
“Good morning, sir,” the older fellow at the door said. “I am looking for donations for a family in great need.”
A tear came to the man’s eye as he said, “Please sir, you must help. These people are in a desperate situation.”
“How many are in the family?”
“It’s a family with five children, sir. The father has been out of work for over a year now.”
“Has he been looking for work? I might be able to hire him a couple of days to do some cleanup around here.”
“He has health problems,” the man said. “The children have barely enough food to eat.”
I started to weaken.
A tear rolled down his cheek as he said,
“The worst part of the whole thing is that the family is going to be kicked out of their home.”
“Why?”
“They are three months behind in their rent. If they don’t come up with the money by Monday they will be homeless.”
“How much would it take to catch up on the rent?”
“It would only be twelve hundred dollars,” he said, with a sob.
As I reached for my checkbook I asked,
“How do you know so much about the situation? Are they family or friends?”
He said, “I’m their landlord.”
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NEW Added on 12/27/2022
>THE COW, THE ANT, and THE OLD FART
A cow, an ant, and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.
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NEW Added on 12/26/2022
"Santas Pickup Lines"
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
2. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
3. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
4. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!
5. Some of my best toys run on batteries.
6. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)
7. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
8. Forget the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!
9. Wanna join My "Mile High" club?
Alex and The Most Beautiful Women in the World,
WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A
HAPPY PEACEFUL NEW YEAR |
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NEW Added on 12/25/2022
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
A CHRISTMAS STORY
Twas, the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.
No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There'd be no damn reindeer, and no stupid clatter.
There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I'll be alone, my Hewlet Packard and me.
I won't race to the window, I'll have no ecstasy.
I'll just sit right here... with Windows XP.
There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.
I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that's about.
As I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.
A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And asked, if I might like to chat for a while.
She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.
She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.
She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight.
He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.
So, she thought she'd use it, "I guess it's all right."
She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How, she was expected to be a good wife.
She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because, she was forced, to do such silly deeds.
She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me...... she was oversexed.
She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.
He's always too busy, and getting too old.
Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her, to have cyber-sex.
I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got *really* good.
After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.
She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.
She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.
She said, only.... on this night, she could be found.
It is only.... this night, her husband leaves town.
She said bye, and signed off... And, I had to pause.
I think I just cybered... with *Mrs.* Santa Claus!!!!
Alex and The Most Beautiful Women in the World,
WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A
HAPPY PEACEFUL NEW YEAR |
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NEW Added on 12/24/2022
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE XMAS
at The SOPRANO'S HOUSE
'Twas the night before christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin,
Cause I had a gun under da pilla.
When up on da roof,
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window and yelled,
"Yo!, Keep it down."
When what to my wonderin'
eyes should appear,
But the Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer.
Wit' slicked back hair,
and a red silk suit,
Don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought all da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a wack 'side dare heads,
He shouted and swore,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Vinny, Yo Paulie,
Yo Augie, Yo Vito;
Hay Tony, Hay Joey,
Hay Frankie and Guido!"
As I pulled out my gun,
And hid by da bed,
He flew in'da window,
And smacked me in'da head!
"What da hell you doin',
Pullin' a gun on da Don?"
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin moron!"
Den shovin' his finga,
Right under my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he gave dem a beatin'.
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did not expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"
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NEW Added on 12/23/2022
SANTA AND THE ANGEL
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
It had been a very stressful Christmas Eve for Santa.
Four of his elves were sick, and the trainees couldn't do the work right.
Then Mrs. Claus said that her mother was coming for a visit,
stressing Santa even more.
When he checked on his reindeer.
Three were about to give birth, and two had run off to who knows where.
Santa then decided to get coffee and a shot of whiskey.
But the elves had hit the liquor cabinet and emptied it.
Then the doorbell rang, and Santa cussed under his breath on the way to the door.
There was this little angel carrying a big Christmas tree.
She asked,
"Hey fat man, where would you like me to put this tree?"
And that is the story of how the little angel got to be on top of the Christmas tree.
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NEW Added on 12/22/2022
THE CHRISTMAS DIVORCE
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says,
"I hate to ruin your day,
but I have to tell you that your Mom and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,
so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,
" She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,
"You are NOT getting divorced.
Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says,
"the kids are coming for Christmas and paying their own way."
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NEW Added on 12/21/2022
BAD NEWS
“Bad News,” he said. “My Chihuahua just killed your Rottweiler.”
“What!? How did it happen?”
“My dog got stuck in your dog’s throat.”
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NEW Added on 12/20/2022
BLONDE AND BRUNETTE
A Blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
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NEW Added on 12/19/2022
THE ZOO
Mindi and Sylvia go to the zoo.
A gorilla breaks out of his cage, grabs Sylvia, throws her down,
rips off all her clothes, and has animal pounding sex with her.
The zookeeper pulls the gorilla off, and takes poor Sylvia to the hospital.
A few days later, Mindi goes to visit her.
She says, "So how you are feeling, Sylvia?"
Sylvia says,
"So how should I feel?
He doesn't call, he doesn't write..."
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NEW Added on 12/18/2022
Q & A
Q. Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
A. They're too bitter.
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NEW Added on 12/17/2022
THE DOCTORS OFFICE
< Happy B-Day Art P. RIP>
A guy says to his doctor,
"I can't sleep, but I can't take pills, either."
The doctor says,
"No problem. Here's a suppository with a sleeping pill in it."
The next day the doctor calls the guy and says, "Did it work?"
The guy says,
"It worked too well,
I woke up with my finger in my ass."
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NEW Added on 12/16/2022
SUNDAY SCHOOL
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class about the difference between
right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take another example," she said.
"If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money,
what would I be?"
A little girl raised her hand, and said,
"You'd be his wife."
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NEW Added on 12/15/2022
BLONDE JOKE
Two Blondes went to the country market.
While they were there, they each bought a horse.
When they got home, they discussed how to tell their horses apart.
They decided to cut the tail off of one.
That worked for a while, but soon the tail grew back,
so they decided that they would tie a red bow around one of the horses' necks.
One of the Blondes said,
"Which of the horses should we put the red bow on,
the brown one or the white one?"
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NEW Added on 12/14/2022
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN:
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with "Because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
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NEW Added on 12/13/2022
THE FLASHER
Three little old ladies are sitting on a park bench,
when a man in a trench coat walks up to them, opens the coat,
and flashes them!
The first woman is so shocked, she immediately has a stroke.
The second lady is also pretty shocked, and also has a stroke.
The third lady has a really bad case of arthritis,
so she can't get her hand high enough to have a stroke.
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NEW Added on 12/12/2022
BLONDE JOKE
Q: How did the Blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zamboni machine.
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NEW Added on 12/11/2022
BLONDE Q & A
Q: Why aren't Blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!
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NEW Added on 12/10/2022
PLAYING HOUSE
A little girl says to a little boy,
"Hey, Tommy, want to play house?"
He says, "Sure. What do I have to do?"
She says, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
He says, "I have no idea what that means."
She says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
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NEW Added on 12/9/2022
Q. & A.
Q. How are politicians like diapers?
A. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
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NEW Added on 12/8/2022
THE FROG
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away,
and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3-wood and, Boom! Hole-in-one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,
"What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game,
the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says,
"Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful".
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.
So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
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NEW Added on 12/7/2022
THE BREAKFAST
Harry's reading the paper at breakfast and he says,
"Look at this.
Another beautiful actress is gonna marry a football player who's a total dope.
I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives."
His wife says, "Thank you."
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NEW Added on 12/6/2022
RYE BREAD
Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other
about his sex life.
The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active.
The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age
so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.
"Well," answered the man,
"I eat rye bread everyday.
That is my secret.
If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."
The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby.
He tells the baker that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock...
...The baker then asks the man,
"do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?"
The man looks puzzled and asks the baker,
"what is the difference?"
The baker responds,
"Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."
To which the man responded,
"How come everyone knew about this but me......?"
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NEW Added on 12/5/2022
PHYSICAL THERAPIST
Two women are playing golf on a sunny Saturday morning...
The first of the twosome tees off and watches in horror as her ball hurtles
directly towards a group of men playing the next hole
hitting one of the men, who immediately crumples to the ground,
both hands clenched firmly between his legs.
The women rush over...
'I'm really, really sorry,' says the woman who teed off.
'Please allow me to help you
I am a physical therapist and I can ease the pain if you'd allow me.'
'Oooh - ahhh - oooooh!' screams the man,
writhing around on the ground
his hands still firmly entrenched between his legs.
'I'll be all right in a couple of minutes'
Persistent the woman pins him down and unbuckles his belt.
Then she loosens his trousers, slips her hand inside and massages his groin.
'How does that feel?' the woman asks.
'It feels absolutely great,' says the man, smiling,
'but my thumb still hurts like hell!'
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NEW Added on 12/4/2022
THE DEAD PARROT
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah, yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod".
She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief,
so I hit her with your new Wilson Staff DXi Super Light golf club with the Matrix Ozik Xcon-4.1 graphite shaft."
SILENCE...........
LONG SILENCE.........
VERY LONG SILENCE............
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."
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NEW Added on 12/3/2022
IN THE BAR
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.
He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul,
"you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got
an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up,
"I finally got up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff,
"When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul,
"but I was worried I'd get an erection again.
So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell.
She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
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NEW Added on 12/2/2022
Q. & A.
Q. What is the best way to remember your wife's birthday?
A. Forget it once.
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NEW Added on 12/1/2022
BLONDE JOKE
Q. Why can't a Blonde dial 911?
A. She can't find the eleven.
|
