THE CLASSThe professor emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up, "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor gave the young man a glaring look..... "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PROUD FATHERHe was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections. One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ACCOUNTANT"Dear Wife, I am fifty-four, and by the time you read this I'll be at the Grand Hotel with my sexy eighteen year old secretary." When he gets to the hotel, there's a telegram waiting for him that says, "Dear Husband, I'm fifty-four, too, and by the time you read this, I'll be at the Breakwater Hotel with luscious eighteen year old boyfriend. And I don't have to explain to you, an accountant, that eighteen goes into fifty-four a lot more times than fifty-four goes into eighteen." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DUMB GUYA. He went looking for the other two guys. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICEA lady midget walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, every time it rains, I get this terrible pain in my crotch." He says, "Leap up on the table." In just a moment he says, "Okay, leap down." She says, "Doc, I feel great. What'd you do?" He says, "I cut two inches off the tops of your galoshes." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GOLFthe fairway and into the woods. Two men in white coats and another guy carrying a two buckets of sand are chasing her, and a little old man is bringing up the rear. One of the golfers grabs the old man and says, "What the hell is going on?" The old guy says, "She's a nymphomaniac from an asylum, she keeps trying to escape, and us attendants are trying to catch her." The golfer says, "What about the guy with the buckets of sand?" The old guy says, "He caught her last time, That's his handicap". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Hero!into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out ofthe river. After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved my life today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you." The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!" "I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Trump. "I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said. "I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said Trump. "And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy. "I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!" "No -- but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKE'Doctor I hurt all over.' The doctor says, 'That's impossible.' 'No really! Just look, when I touch my arm, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch!, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch!, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch!!, it really hurts,' she replies. The doctor just shakes his head and says, 'You're a natural blonde aren't you?' The woman smiles and says, 'Why yes I am. How did you know?' The doctor replies, 'Because your finger is broken.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A DEVOTED WIFENow he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he said, "You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What, my dear?" she asked gently. "I think you bring me bad luck." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LIMERICKWho had breasts of two different sizes. One was small, it was nothing at all...... But the other was large and won prizes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICEShe was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, 'Is he breast fed or on the bottle?' 'Breast fed' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,'the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk.' 'Naturally,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Traveling Salesmanand invited her to his room. As she was undressing, he said, "Say, how old are you?" "Thirteen" "Thirteen? Oh My God! Get those clothes back on and get out of here." As she was leaving, she said, "What's the problem, Superstitious?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A SALESMAN IN SIN CITYHe is talking to a pretty woman for about a half hour when he realizes she is a hooker. "I'll give you $200 for a painful terrible bj," he says. "Honey," she replies, "for $200 I'll give you the bj of a lifetime!" "You don't understand," he says, "I'm not horny, just homesick." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The DrunkThe bartender asked what was wrong. "I did a terrible thing tonight,....... I sold my wife to a guy for a bottle of scotch" That's terrible, don't you want her back? Oh yes I do.... You still love her, don't you...... No, no, said the drunk, "I wish I had her back because...... I'm thirsty again" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSyou always said you'd die for me......... Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSI can't help but wonder:............. What was I thinking?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSI think of all that you've given me..... Like the need for 10 years of therapy..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDShave such an ugly baby?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSSo we're having you put to sleep." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSI never believed in Hell until I met you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSthat you're not here to ruin it for me." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSToo bad no one likes your wife." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSWhat do you say we call it quits?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSSo here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSDid you ever find out who the father was?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSAlmost Lifelike!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSbut not to you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ REJECTED HALLMARK CARDand there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you a bunch, and think of you often." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BARBIEhe hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager 'How much is that new Barbie in the window?' The Manager replied, 'Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95.. 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ... 'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ... 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95 ... 'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95.. and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00'. 'Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?' the Dad asked. 'Divorced Barbie comes with........ Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSAfter having met you, I've changed my mind." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUNKThe cop says, "Did you know that a few intersections back your wife fell out of the car?" The drunk says, "That's great news. For a minute, I thought I'd gone deaf." 
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