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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE GENIEthird hole which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their dismay, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head. The wife said, 'Do you live here?' 'No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over that little bottle you see there and freed me from my imprisonment. I am so grateful,' he answered. The wife said, 'Are you a genie?' 'Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes; the third I will keep for myself,' the man replied. The husband and wife agreed on two wishes: one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever. The genie nodded and said , 'Done!' The genie now said, 'For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire.' The husband and wife agreed. After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, 'How long have you been married?', to which she responded, 'Three years.' The genie then asked, 'How old is you husband?', to which she responded, '31 years old.' The genie then asked, 'How long has he believed in this genie crap?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SAHARA DESERT DUTYOnce he was over there for a while he began to get real horny. He went to see the captain in the head tent. He told the captain that he really needed a woman. The captain told him he could use the camel in the other tent. The guy said thanks but no thanks I'll just wait. So he went on about his business. A few weeks went by and the need for a woman returned even more prominent than before. He headed back to the captains tent to talk to him about it again. The captain then said the same thing concerning the use of the camel. The guy declined again and again left the captains tent feeling very bad. A few more weeks go by and the guy just cant take it anymore. He heads back to the captains tent fully intending to use the camel as the captain had offered twice before. He walks in and tells the captain that he'll take the camel and then asks where it is? The captain and his friend show the guy to the tent where the camel is being kept. The guy sizes up the camel trying to figure out just how hes going to do this. All the while the captain and his friend stand behind the curtain and watch. The guy climbs up on the camels back and begins to have sex with the camel. He then hears loud peels of laughter coming from the other side of the curtain. He yells for the captain and the captain comes out. The guy asks whats so funny? The captain looks at his friend and chokes out that most guys just get on the camel and ride it into town. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ EASY OUTwith his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." "Good," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HOLMES AND WATSONAfter a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. 'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.' Watson replied, 'I see millions and millions of stars.' 'What does that tell you?' asked Holmes. Watson pondered for a minute. 'Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.' What does that tell you Holmes?' Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. 'Watson, you idiot. Some bastard has stolen our tent.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DID YOU HEAR?He sold his soul to Santa ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PMS STUDYcan differ depending upon where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man.... with scissors shoved in his temple. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Scared StraightThe parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior". Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued....... "May I ask what the Chicken did?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ REDNECK COUNTRYso the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time". Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time". As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is "rigged", and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A TEXAN IN AUSTRALIAThere he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEANThere is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again. I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. ... without you in it. DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? We haven't had a fight in a while. NO, PIZZA'S FINE. ... you cheap slob! I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. I just don't want you as a boyfriend now. I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? I can't believe you have nothing planned. COME HERE. My puppy does this, too. I LIKE YOU, BUT... I don't like you. OF COURSE I LOVE YOU. ... just not in that way. YOU NEVER LISTEN. You never listen. WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY. I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend. I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE. I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will. OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF. I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch. OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!! Well, near there; I just want to get this over with. I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. We're gonna drink and make fun of you and your friends. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SLIP OF THE TONGUEHe immediately notices that the guy next to him has a deeply bruised, black eye. "Heck, what a coincidence! We both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?" "Well," explains the man, "I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with beautiful breasts was behind the counter. When I asked to purchase a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally blurted out 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh' and so she sucker-punched me!" The man continues, "What's your story?" The other guy explains, "I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties,' but I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you stupid bitch.'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THAT'S ONE!Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A friend asked for the secret of their long and happy marriage. Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, explained the wife. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn`t gone too far when the mule stumbled. My husband quietly said "That`s one." We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more he quietly said, "That`s two." We hadn`t gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband pulled out a revolver and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over his killing the mule. He looked at me and quietly said, "That`s one". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SEX TONIGHT?The husband says, "I thought we'd have sex tonight." The wife replies, "No, I'm too tired tonight." The husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says, "Yes, it is, thank you." The husband says, "OK, then, I'd like to phone a friend." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Clinton's ClockHillary is struck by a car and killed. Soon, Hillary finds herself at the gates of Heaven. She sees St. Peter and asks "Can I get into heaven now?" he says "Soon, I have some things to take care of." St. Peter leaves and Hillary looks at the scenery and sees millions of clocks lying around. Every once in a while, a clock or so would turn ahead 15 minutes. Hillary wondered why. Soon, St. Peter came back and Hillary asked "St. Peter, What are all these clocks for?" St Peter replies "Each clock represents a man. Every time a man commits adultry, the clock turns ahead 15 minutes. Hillary asks "Where's my husbands clock?" St. Peter replies "Oh, it's in God's office.... he uses it for a fan." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOCTOR"S ORDERSby his doctor's orders, so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine", the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me.... my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'" "Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks. "Then my body says, 'Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!'"" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ EXECUTIVE DECISIONHe had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin.... he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." She replies, "Could you jack off? I have a headache." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONDOMSif they sold condoms. The proprietor asked the man what kind he wanted. The man replied, "I want the kind with insecticide on them." The proprietor responded, "Don't you mean the kind with spermicide?" "No" said the man, "I mean INSECTICIDE". The proprietor asked, "Why would you want a condom with insecticide"?" The man replied, "It's for the next time my wife has a bug up her ass!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWINSSt. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa. The deaf one said to her twin, 'WHAT DID HE SAY?' 'He said, WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!', said the other. 'Now get a little closer together', said the cameraman. Again, 'WHAT DID HE SAY?' 'HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE'. So they wiggled up close to each other. 'Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little', said the photographer 'HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!' With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, 'OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE TRIALbefore the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer. After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors. One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him. He took the note from her and read, "I'm going to f--- you like you've never been f----- before." The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket. "Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge. "I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's personal." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ELEVATORwhen a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts And says ... "Broccoli. 49 cents a pound." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FUNERALA huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter! When confronted, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral..... I'm a gynecologist.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE AFRICAN CHIEFthe chief was absolutely stunned. He suspected some hanky panky.... and went to the white Jesuit missionary father and looked at him suspiciously. "You have been sleeping with my wives," he accused the white father, who looked very uncomfortable. The Jesuit, tried to wriggle out of the difficult situation,,,, by trying to explain Mendel's laws of genetics to the wrathful chief. "You see that herd of sheep," he said pointing to the chief's herd, "Most of them are white; but you will also notice 2 black lambs among them." "OK! OK!" said the chief. "You keep your mouth shut and so will I." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MARTINI MANBefore drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis.... and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out "Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as strange as that!" "What's so strange about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MODERN MEDICINEand his manhood was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his old penis but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $8,500 for small, 12,500 for medium and $34,000 for large. The man was sure he would want a large.... but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife.... before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room.... and found the man looking dejected. 'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor. The man answered, 'She'd rather remodel the kitchen' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A MARRIAGE PROBLEMand decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court seeking a divorce. The Judge asks the young husband, "What has brought you to the point.... that you feel you are not able to keep this marriage together?" The husband answers, "Your Honor, in the six weeks I have been married.... we have been unable to agree on a single thing." His wife says........ "Seven weeks." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A HELPING HANDand sees this guy standing next to the urinal with no arms... As Bob is standing there taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK" Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points it for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I AIN'T TOUCHING IT... " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE GOOD SAMARITANHe doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver.... so he goes back to help. As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, "You know, you are the first naked sex crazed woman.... I've ever helped out of a ditch." "But I'm not naked or sex crazed," she says. "Well, you're not out of the ditch yet," he says. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BASEBALL HEAVENThey went to baseball games together and had the best time possible. They truly loved the game but they always wondered if there was baseball in heaven.... and agreed that whoever died first had to call the other guy.... and tell them if there was baseball in heaven. Then one night Earl died and a few days later the phone rang it was Earl. Earl said, "Bob is this you" "Yes, Earl how are you doing and is there baseball in heaven?" asked Bob. Well I've got some good news and some bad news. Earl said hesitantly. "The good news is there is baseball in heaven.... and you can play with Babe Ruth and everybody its great." Bob said, "Then what's the bad news?" Earl replied, "Well Bob,....... your starting pitcher tomorrow night!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GOLF INJURYWalking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain. "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000." "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'." The attorney says, "I'll take it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LOOKING FOR SEXI call my dog "Sex" Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 year old." He said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that.... I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest.... but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too." Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex..." My case comes up on Friday... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HAPPY OLD MAN"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six." |
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