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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MARRIAGEHer mother said, "Oy, that's great." The girl said, "But Ma, he's not Jewish, he's Greek." Her mother said, "Oy, that's not so great." The girl said, "But Ma, he's a Greek Shipping Tycoon. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives." Six months later, the Jewish girl walked into the house and said, "Ma, I love my Greek Tycoon, but my God, all he wants to do is have anal sex. Day and night, all he'll do is anal sex. When I got married, my little flower was like a dime. Now it's like a silver dollar." Her mother said, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWO ITALIAN VIRGINSHowever, they have no idea what there supposed to do once they get to their hotel room. The newlyweds decide to call the groom's mother and get some advice on what to do. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there. The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens. He calls his mother back to find out what to do next. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed, and nature should takes its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice but still nothing. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation she says, 'Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!' and hangs up on him. A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back, 'Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CRISCOat intervals, "Crisco, Cris--co!" Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five." "Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife." "Your wife is named "Crisco?" "No," he answered, "I only call her that when we come to the supermarket." "Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?" "Lard ass." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE NUNsome bushes, grabbed her, and had his way with her. After he was done, he said, 'Well, sister, now that I have had my way with you, what will tell you tell your God?' 'I will say', replied the nun, 'Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I was walking along a lonely path, when a man jumped out from behind some bushes, grabbed me and had his way with me, twice...' 'That is,' said the nun, smiling at him, 'if you are not too tired.?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SICK JOKE!!The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 18 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. His Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink'! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink'! By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left , then to the right, through the front door, into the street......... where a truck smashes into him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father cries hysterically. The bartender sighs and says 'He should have quit while he was a head!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bedside ConfessionJulie: I think I should warn you Ted, I've got acute angina Ted: You're breasts aren't bad either ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q and AA southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage,...... along with a recipe. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Lawnmower'Now Jim,' the father said, 'just watch as I deal with this customer.' A man entered the shop and asked for a packet of grass seeds. The father handed them to him and asked if he wanted a lawn mower, to which the man replied, 'Why would I need one of those?' 'Oh,' the father said, 'these grass seeds grow really fast.' The man accepted the deal and left $100 worse off. The son of the shop keeper took over at the counter, when another customer walked in. 'Could I possibly have a packet of Tampax please,' he requested. 'Certainly Sir,' the young boy said, 'and will you want a lawn mover with that?' The stunned man retorted, 'Why?' 'Well sir,' the boy said, 'it looks like you won't be doing anything else this weekend, you might as well cut the grass.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GREEK HOLIDAYOne day he came across a beautifully landscaped garden. Sitting nearby was an old Greek, morosely surveying the harbor below. Wayne said hello to him and commented on how nice the garden looked. The Greek looked up. 'I designed this garden and laid it out, and a dozen others just as beautiful. My gardens are the best in Greece. But do they call me Aristo the Gardener? Pah!' He spat and looked disgusted. 'What do they call you?' asked Wayne. The Greek ignored him. 'You see all those yachts down there in the harbor? I built all of them. I have built sixty wonderful yachts. I am a craftsman. But do they call me Aristo the Boat Builder? Pah!' He spat again. 'So, what do they call you?' persisted Wayne. The Greek went on. 'You see all those houses down there round the harbor? I built them all. I am a master builder. I have built a hundred beautiful houses. But do they call me Aristo the House Builder? Pah!' 'So, tell me, what do they call you?' repeated Wayne. 'I screw one sheep.....' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BUBBAWithin a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Bubba, a part timer, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Bubba had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy any hairy female. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Bubba was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Bubba showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Bubba announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. 'First,' he said. 'I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want to wear protection.' The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. 'Well,' said Bubba. 'You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE'S vs BRUNETTESA brunette who's told too many Blonde jokes. WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE? Brown-bagging it. WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE? No one else wants it. WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS? So brunettes can remember them. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES? Invisible. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BIG SHOTHe was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE GOLFER & THE LEPRECHAUNand it went off in to a forest on the side of the course. So the old man went in to the forest to look for his golf ball, and to his surprise he found his golf ball next to a little man who the ball had hit and knocked out. So the old man helped the little fellow to come round, when the little man awoke he said, 'I'm a leprechaun and I grant you 3 wishes because you caught me fair and square.' But the golfer said 'No it's okay as long as you're okay' and with saying this he picked up his ball and carried on playing his round. But the leprechaun thought to himself 'What a nice man. I will grant him three wishes anyway', and he decided that the wishes would be for the man to have a great game of golf every time he played, to always have money, and to have a great sex life. A year later on the same golf course the little old man sliced his shot again, into the same place as he had the previous year, so again he went to find his ball, and again he had hit the leprechaun, so once again he brought him round, and the leprechaun said 'You're the same man who did this to me last year!' 'Yes I am said the man. 'So how's your golf been in the last year?' asked the leprechaun. 'Excellent,' said the man. 'I've won every game.' 'Good,' said the leprechaun. 'How's your money situation been?' 'Well,' said the man, 'every time I put my hand in my pocket I pull out $100 dollar bills' 'Excellent,' says the leprechaun. 'And finally, how's your sex life?' 'Well,' replied the golfer, 'I've been getting it three times a week.' 'ONLY THREE TIMES A WEEK!!!' says the leprechaun. 'Well,' replied the golfer, 'it's not bad for a Priest from a small parish!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BIG BAD JOHNI've been in the woods for four years and I haven't seen hide or hair of a woman. What have y'all got for entertainment around here?' The bartender replys 'This is a pretty small town with no women for miles around. But if you're into 'it' there is O'l Joe out back.' 'Hell no man, I wouldn't think of it,' John says. Big Bad John goes back up into the woods. Two years later he then comes back and says 'I'm Big Bad John, I've been in the woods for six years now and I haven't seen hide or hair of a woman. What have y'all got for entertainment around here?' Remembering him the bartender says ' Well, we still don't have any women around here. The offer still stands for O'l Joe out back.' After a few more beers Big Bad John questions the offer saying 'If I did go for O'l Joe,who would know about it?' 'Well, there would be you, me and Joe of course.' 'Yeah, ok.' 'And also four other guys.' 'Hey man, slow down, thats a lot of people for such a small town. What's that all about?' The bartender explains that 'Well, to tell you the truth O'l Joe doesn't go for that shit either and the other guys are to hold him down.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKEdonation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No." "Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident?" the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her pennyless with three little children?" The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ COLONEL SANDERS CALLEDThe Pope says, "What can I do? "The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you." So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FARMERS CONFESSIONhe's been having sex with a pig ever since his wife died. The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the pig is a male or female. "No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is a female, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddamn queer?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER ONE LINERSA Doberman. What do lawyers use for birth control? * Their personalities. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? * A tick falls off of you when you die. Why does the Bar Association prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? * To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? * Not enough sand. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? * There are skid marks in front of the skunk. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Right and Wrong!right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?" A little girl raised her hand, and said, "You'd be his wife." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FROG, THE GENIE & 3 WISHESThe bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands him the beer and says, 'You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it's really phenomenal! But I have a question why is your head so small?' The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. 'One day', he begins, 'I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.' 'Really?' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued. 'Kiss me, kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.' 'Keep going!'. I looked around to see if I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful voluptuous naked woman. She said, 'You now have 3 wishes.' , I looked around at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ' I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger.!' She nodded and snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was so big that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!, she then asked 'What is your second wish?' 'What next?', asked the bartender. 'I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ' I want to make sensuous love with you by the stream' She nodded, laid down and beckoned me. We made love right there by the stream for hours!! I was a love machine. Afterwards, as we lay next to each other, sweating from our glorious love making she whispered in my ear, 'You know you have one more wish, what will it be?' I looked at her and replied 'How about a little head?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEand sat down next to of all people a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls". Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thought-fully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ELDERLY COUPLEtime to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather hopefully. 'Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently,' she responded. The old guy paused.... then he asked, 'Was that one word or two?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE OLD LADYso that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & AANSWER....The one that can run the fastest. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A MENTAL INSTITUTIONhe's driving a car. The nurse asks him, 'Charlie, what are you doing?' Charlie replied, 'Driving to Chicago!' The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car She asks, 'Well Charlie, how are you doing?' Charlie says, 'I just got into Chicago' 'Great,' replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, 'Bob, what are you doing?!' Bob says, 'I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ VICTORIA'S SECREThe can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "I want one even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old goat won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. Her husband then complains, "Darn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the dang thing!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOCTOR JOKEhe can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust. "What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?" "No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PRIZE BULLThe rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the old rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, 'You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!' The old rancher replied, 'Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 747After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax and... - OH MY GOD!" Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BARBIEand he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that Barbie in the window?" The Manager replied, "Which one? We have..... 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $18.95 ... 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $18.95 ... 'Barbie goes shopping for $18.95 ... 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $18.95... 'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $18.95 ... and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00." "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $18.95?" Dad asked surprised. Simple..."Divorced Barbie comes with....... Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's American Express and Ken's Furniture." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FANTASY ISLANDso when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded.... on a desert island with six gorgeous women, he couldn't believe his good fortune. All the women agreed that each could have him for one night a week, giving him one day to relax and regain his strength. Phillip threw himself into this arrangement with gusto, but as the weeks turned into months, he found himself looking forward to that single day of rest more and more eagerly. One afternoon he was sitting on the beach.... wishing for another man to come along and share his workload, when he caught sight of a man waving from a raft.... that was bobbing on the waves in the distance. Phillip swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and danced a little jig of happiness. 'You will not believe how happy I am to see you,' he cried. The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, 'You're a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!' 'Shoot,' sighed Phillip, 'there go my Sundays...' |
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