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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN: Part 2... just not in that way. YOU NEVER LISTEN. You never listen. WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY. I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend. I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE. I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will. OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF. I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch. OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!! Well, near there; I just want to get this over with. I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. We're gonna get sloppy drunk and make fun of you and your friends. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN: Part 1There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again. I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. ... without you in it. DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? We haven't had a fight in a while. NO, PIZZA'S FINE. ... you cheap SOB! I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. I just don't want you as a boyfriend now. I LIKE YOU, BUT... I don't like you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 20 Things You Wish You Could Say At Work2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'd bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never???? Is never good for you???? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you are saying. 10. I see your point, but I still think you are full of shit. 11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks? 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SLEEPING CARfind themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train... After their initial embarrassment has worn off, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, 'I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering.... if you could possibly pass me another blanket.' The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, 'I've got a better idea... let's pretend we are married.' 'Why not?' giggles the woman. 'Good', he replies. 'Get your own blanket.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LITTLE OLD LADIESOne lady says, 'You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.' The second lady says, 'You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!' The third lady smiles smugly, 'Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood,' she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, 'Who's there?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE OLD COUPLEso they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, ] "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen.... and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE WEDDING NIGHTand demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc. Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin.... caused by corporate downsizing and its effects on a 50 year old executive. Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totalling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank.... while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments. By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, 'If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PICK-UPWhile at his favorite bar, he manages to attract a very beautiful Blonde woman. So they go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while he climaxes loudly, rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, "Are you'a finish?" After a slight pause she replies, "No." Surprised, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her.... and has his way with her again-- this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette and asks, "You'a finish?" Again, after a short pause, she simply says, "No." Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he mounts her again. This time with all the strength he could muster. He barely manages to end the task, but he does. Exhausted, he reaches for his cigarette. "So'a, you'a finish, or what?!" "No," comes her reply. "Im'a Swedish." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & AA. "Get off me dad! You're crushing my Camels!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BRAGGINGAfter a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. 'Last night I made love to my wife four times,' the Frenchman bragged, 'and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.' 'Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,' the Englishman responded, 'and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.' When the Italian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, 'And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?' 'Once,' he replied. 'Only once?' the Frenchman arrogantly snorted. 'And what did she say to you this morning?' 'Don't stop.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Memory Laneand as such have gone for a holiday back to the place where they first met. While sitting at a cafe the little old man says, 'Remember the first time I met you over fifty years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works and we had great sex!' 'Why, yes I remember it well dear,' replies the little old lady with a grin. 'Well, for old time's sake, lets go there and do it again' They pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old folks at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees them near the gas works. The little old lady lifts up her dress, and the old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips. The little old lady reaches for the fence to steady herself. Well, what follows is forty minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for a hour. Well, the young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, 'I have to know his secret. If only I could perform like that now, let alone fifty years from now!' The two old folks have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage the young man approaches the old man. He says, 'Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody perform like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret, could you perform like that fifty years ago?' The old man replies, 'Son, fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electrified.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Philadelphia CopsThe cop walks up and taps on the window with his baton, the driver rolls down the window and 'WHACK', the cop smacks him in the head with the baton. The driver says, 'What the hell was that for?' The cop says, 'You're in Philadelphia, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.' The driver says, 'I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here.' The cop runs a check on the guy's license and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and 'WHACK', the cop smacks him with the baton, too. The passenger says, 'What did you do that for?' The cop says, 'Just making your wish come true.' The passenger says, 'What do you mean by that?' The cop says, 'Well, I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that son-of-a-bitch had tried that shit with me.'' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three Children In HeavenThey go to heaven. When God saw them he said 'This is a terrible mistake, you should not have died, I must send you back to earth. Because of all the trauma you have gone through I will grant you each one wish. As you jump off the cloud shout your wish and it will be granted, and you will not remember any of this.' The first child jumps and shouts 'LAWYER!' 20 years later he is the best defense lawyer ever, earning millions. The second child jumps and shouts 'BRAIN SURGEON!' 20 years later he is the best in the world, saving hundreds of lives every year. The third child jumps and trips, and as he falls over he mumbles, 'Clumsy idiot!' 20 years later he plays for the NY Mets! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LOCKER ROOMSuddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's Only $1,500! Can I buy it?" "Well, OK, go ahead and get it if you like." "Thanks Sweetie. I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2007 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price... and since we need to trade in the BMW that we bought last year..." "What price did he quote you?" "Only $80,000 ... " "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great! But before we hang up, something else... It might sound like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's reduced! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property." "How much are they asking?" "Only $1,950,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have enough in the bank to cover the down payment." "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $1,800,000. OK?" "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later! I love you!" "Bye. I love you too." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand and calls out: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKESt. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, 'What is Easter?' The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful...' 'Wrong!,' replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, 'What is Easter?' The second blonde replies, 'Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.' St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, 'What is Easter?' The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, 'I know what Easter is.' 'Oh?' says St. Peter, incredulously. 'Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.' St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, 'Every February the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEN vs WOMENIt's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.' Flattered, the man replied, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!' 'This must be a sign from God!' The woman continued, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ASHESand she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get a couple of glasses of wine, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a small jar on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my husband's ashes are in there." He goes, "Geez...oooh....I'm sorry..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 5th Anniversary SEPTEMBER 11thI really couldn't think of anything funny. Don't ever forget 9/11! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE ONE LINERSA: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it! Q: Why do Blondes have big bellybuttons? A: From dating blonde men. Q: Why do Blondes take the pill? A: So they know what day of the week it is. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Funeral Processionfuneral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?' The woman replied, 'Well, the first hearse is for my husband.' 'What happened to him?' The woman replied, 'My dog attacked and killed him.' She inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second hearse?' The woman answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.' A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. 'Could I borrow that dog?' 'Get in line.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONDOMSBeing a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, 'What are these things daddy?' His dad said, 'Condoms son.' The boy asked, 'Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?' The dad replied, 'The packs with one are for teenagers, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for college students, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE HONEYMOONare not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong. "Well," replied the man, "When we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!" The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICEfinally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?" "Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history. "So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way. A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! "Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?" "Wife?" asks the man, "Hell,I haven't been home yet." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ROYAL WEDDINGsurrounded by all of her Brides Maids. She suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic! Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet was hurting real bad. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.' 'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.' Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said. 'My God. That was even tighter.' 'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DADDY, WHAT IS SEX?She asked him, ",Daddy, what is sex?", The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, ",Why did you ask this question?", The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.", ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BEARAll of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, 'What are you doing?' He says, 'I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it.' The second guy says, 'Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear.' The first guy says, 'I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FARMERHe wasdoing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought he comes up with a clever idea that he thinks will scare the kids away for sure. So he makes up a sign and posts it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, which says, "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." So the kids run off and make up their own sign, which they post next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next day to look over his field. He notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives over to the sign and takes a look. It says: "Now there are two." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOCTORS OFFICEThe doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day, the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this.......... First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor? ' The old man replied, 'Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open!' |
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