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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PRIEST AND RABBIThe priest says "I want to screw that boy over there!" And the Rabbi says "Out of what!?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NINE BABIESHe congratulated her on the new offspring, then said, "But isn't having nine babies a little much?" "Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air." "Yes," said the priest. "Your legs!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEcrying and asked her what had happened and the Blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and settled her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the Blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying again. The blonde replied, "I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE POWER OF ADVERTISINGYou go up to her and say "Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?". That's direct marketing. You go to a party and you see a sexy girl across the room. You give your friend ten bucks. He goes up and says "Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?" That's advertising. You go to a party, you see a sexy girl across the room. She comes over and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed, how about it?" Now, that's the Power of Advertising! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SAVING IT FOR MARRIAGEcame upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married." The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father." About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in. "Yes, my son?" said the priest. "Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then." "And what was that, my son?" "Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married," said the young man. "That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest. "Did you take my advice?" "Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem." "What's that, my son?" "Well, I have three 55 gallon drums full of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married what am I supposed to do with it?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE TRAVELING SALESMANThe farmer says, "You can spend the night but you'll have to share a room with my beautiful daughter." "Oh, I don't mind that," exclaims the salesman. "Just one thing," says the farmer. "No funny business." "Oh no sir," says the salesman. "You can count on me." Just to be safe, the farmer builds a wall of eggs between the two beds in the daughter's room. In the middle of the night, the salesman can no longer control himself, he busts through the eggs and has his way with the farmer's daughter. They take the rest of the night piecing the eggs back together one by one and rebuilding the wall. The next morning, the farmer goes to his daughter's room and takes a couple eggs to the kitchen to make breakfast. Cracking open the first egg, of course, produces nothing. Cracking open the second egg, likewise. The farmer pokes his head out the window and yells, "OK, which one of you roosters is using a condom?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LITTLE BOY'I couldn't sleep last night so I went into your room. Why were you jumping up and down on daddy?' His mom said, 'Well dear, I was pushing the air out of him.' The boy replied, 'Oh then you're wasting your time. The lady next door blows him back up every day.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE NAVAJO INDIANBecause the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in. During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them. 'If you're wondering what's in the bag,' offers the salesman, 'it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.' The Navajo man is silent for a while, nods several times and says, 'Good trade.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SEX EDUCATIONand asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sex education on TV. Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies. 'Great,' said the teacher, 'that's very important. ' Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married. 'Well, that has to do with it too,' said the teacher. Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, 'Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sex education.' 'Yes it does,' said Johnny, ' it taught those Indians not to screw with John Wayne.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE VACUUM CLEANER SALESMANby a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I haven't got any money' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' 'Well,' she said, 'I hope you have a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ QUICK THINKING'Would you like to dance?' The girl says, 'I wouldn't be seen with you in a million years and I wouldn't dance with you if your life depended on it!.' The guy says, 'I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FLYThey each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, but then held it out over the beer and yelled, 'SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LINEOne guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, 'Just what the hell you are doing?' 'Well,' said the guy, 'You see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!' 'That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!' the guy replied. 'I work for the Internal Revenue. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BORDELLOHe says, 'I want your fattest ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich.' The Madam says, 'For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf.' The trucker says, 'I ain't horny, I'm homesick.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CONSTRUCTION SITEThe foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a big dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gentleman in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ... Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells . . . . . . SUPPLIES! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GOLF LESSONSThe man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range. The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says, 'Not bad, Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast.' The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says, 'Excellent!' Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards. Golf pro: 'Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's privates.' She swings and the ball only goes 10 yards. Golf pro: 'Try taking the club out of your mouth.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE HOSPITALsitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute!' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful', it was now 'cute'. She said, 'What happened to 'beautiful'?' The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LITTLE BOYher private area. The little boy asked, "Mommy, what is that?" She replied, "this is my washcloth." The little boy went on his way. One evening the woman and her husband were beginning to make love and he asked her to do something different and shave her hair off. She agreed. A week or so after that the little boy had walked in on his mother again but this time she didn't have any hair. So the little boy asked with concern, "Mommy, what happen to your washcloth?" She replied, "I lost it." Later that day the little boy came running up to his mom and said, "Mommy, I found your washcloth." She replied confused, "Where did you find it?" He told her that the lady next door was washing Daddy's face with it! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GOOD NEWS and BAD NEWSThe doctor duly arrives and say's to the man, 'I have some good news and some bad news'. The man replies 'I can take it Doc give me the bad news' The Doc replies 'I'm terribly sorry but we have to amputate both your legs' The man replies 'Well Doc this is terrible. At least I have the good news to come, go on Doc give it to me' Doc replies 'Do you see the man in the opposite bed' Man replies 'Yes, what about him?' Doc replies 'He said he would buy your slippers' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWELVE PRIESTSThe final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The model danced before the first priest candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring...... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE UGLY BABYThe bus driver said: 'That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.' In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. 'The bus driver insulted me,' she fumed. The man sympathized and said, 'Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers.' 'You're right!' the woman said, 'I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!' 'That's a good idea,' the man said, 'Here, let me hold your monkey.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTOR'Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?' 'Oh, that's not a problem anymore!' announces the proud physician. 'They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills and your problems are history.' So, the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way. A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. 'Doctor, Doctor!' exclaims the man excitedly, 'I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!' 'Well, I'm glad to hear that,' says the pleased physician. 'What does your wife think about it?' 'Wife?' asks the man. '...I haven't been home yet.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN DRIVERSThe mechanic asks, 'What's the matter? She says, 'It just conked out.' After he we works on it a few minutes, it's purring like a kitten. 'What's the story?' she asks. 'Crap in the carburettor,' he replies. 'How often do I have to do that?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWO PROSTITUTES"TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LITTLE JOHNNYFinally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOCTOR, DOCTOR!if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh.' 'Of course I won't laugh,' the doctor said. 'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.' 'Okay then,' the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. 'I'm so sorry,' he said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?' 'It's swollen.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ONE UPMANSHIP'My son,' the first one says, 'started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!' 'My son,' said the second, 'started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!' 'My son,' said the third, 'started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends $1,000,000 in stock.' 'Well,' the fourth guy said, 'my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MATH TEACHERArithmetic today. 'Why?' asks his father. 'The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said '6''. 'But that's right,' said his father. 'Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'' 'What's the goddam difference?' asks his father. 'That's what I said!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GOD?'Daddy, is God a man or a woman?' 'Both son. God is both.' After a while the kid comes again and asks, 'Daddy, is God black or white?' 'Both son, both.' The child returns a few minutes later and says, 'Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MOTHER-IN-LAWHe found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. 'How'd you get down here so fast?' he asked. 'We were just making love!' 'Oh my God,' his wife gasped, 'That's my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for a while.' Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. 'Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?' The mother-in-law huffed, 'I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MOUNTAIN BIKE$600 mountain bike. 'How'd you get that, son?' 'By hiking.' 'Hiking?' 'Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $50 to take a hike.' |
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