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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONDOMS'Give me a pack of condoms.' "What size?", says the assistant. "I don't know..." "Well, take this board with holes, go to the Men's Room and measure." In 10 minutes the man comes back: "I've changed my mind, I don't need the condoms. How much is this board?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SCHOOL SEXHe replies, 'I had sex with my teacher today.' 'Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!', says the mom. Awhile later the father comes home and the mom says, 'Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today.' Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. 'I told her I had sex with my teacher today,' replied the boy. 'Alright! That's my boy!', says dad. 'Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!' So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. 'You gonna ride it home son?' asks dad. The boy replied, 'Nah, my ass is still sore.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKES Q & AA. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? A. Lipstick. Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? A. Skeet. Q. What do you get when you cross a sleazy politician with a crooked lawyer? A. Chelsea Clinton. Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? A. You shoot the lawyer....Twice. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEAfter a while the bartender says to them, "Ladies, for the past 3 hours you have been sitting here chanting 51 days. Why?" The blondes stop chanting and look up. "Well," says one of the blondes, "we just finished a puzzle." "So. What does that have to do with anything?" the bartender asked. "Well, the box says 3 to 5 years. We finished it in 51 days," ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HORSY RIDENot finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Johnny watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Johnny climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Johnny, "this is where me and Uncle Ted usually fall off!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Confessionalconfessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.' The priest asks, 'What did you do?' The woman says, 'I committed adultery.' Priest, 'How many times?' Woman, 'Three times.' Priest, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the poor box, and go and sin no more.' A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.' Priest, 'What did you do?' Man, 'I committed adultery.' Priest: 'How many times?' Man, 'Three times.' Priest, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the poor box, and go and sin no more.' The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.' Rabbi, 'What did you do?' Woman, 'I committed adultery.' Rabbi, 'How many times?' Woman, 'Once.' Rabbi, 'Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Naughty Limerickswho wished he had never been born. He wouldn’t have been........ If his father had seen.... That the end of his condom was torn! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There was a young lady named Claire Who possessed a magnificent pair; Or that's what I thought 'Till I saw one get caught On a thorn, and begin to lose air. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There was a young maid from Madras Who had a magnificent ass. Not rounded and pink As you probably think It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MORE - - MEAN BLONDE ONE-LINERSA: They are usually in your wallet! Q: What do you call a smart Blonde? A: A golden retriever. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEAN BLONDE ONE-LINERSA: There is a stamp on it. Q: Why did the Blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LOTTO TICKETA few minutes later his wife comes home from work with a new fur coat. Her husband says "Hey how did you get this?" She says that her boss won the lotto and this is her share. This happens a few times, first the coat and then a car and then jewelry etc. One night the wife gets home really tired out and asks her husband to run her bath, which he then does. But only fills it up an inch. She gets in and says to him "Why did you put in so little water?" "Well, WE DON'T WANT YOUR LOTTO TICKET GETTING WET NOW DO WE?!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICEthe physician told the patient on whom he had performed a battery of costly tests. "You have approximately six months to live." "But I don't have insurance, doctor," said Cassidy, "and I can't skimp and save enough to pay you in that time!" "All right, all right," soothed the medical man. "Let's say nine months, then." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & AA. Because one is not enough and three is too many. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKEthe kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. The first little girl says: ' My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman. The next little boy says: ' I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic. Then one little boy says: 'My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a bar for gay men!. The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard at recess all the little kids ask Jimmy if it was really really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said that his Dad is really a lawyer, but he was too embarrassed to say so! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEShe tells the mechanic, "It died." After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She says, "How often do I have to do that?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GRANDMA BUYS A BUMPER STICKERThe other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love ya all, Grandma ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKE"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PIGGY BANKthey have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashes. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife what's up. "Well," she replied, "Not everyone is as cheap as you are." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HIT MEN"Jose, we know you stole our money and we want it back, right now." "No spicka d english," says Jose. The Mafia looked around and one of them yelled. "Anybody in here speak spanish?" "I do," said the bartender. "Tell him what we said." The bartender told Jose what the two men had said. "Oh-H, No me. Me Jose Garcia and me no take no money." The bartender repeated the statement to the two Mafia men. "Tell him we KNOW he took our money and if he gives it back right now we will let him live." After the bartender repeated the message Jose started shaking his head and denying any knowledge of the money. Seeing this, the two gangsters started drawing their guns. The bartender yelled. "Jose they are gonna kill you right now." With this, Jose, wild eyed, came clean. "The money is down at the Santa Maria Church under the steps. Its the third step up and the fourth brick over. Its alla there I no spenda any of it." "What’d he say," asked the Mafia guys. The bartender looked them in the eye. "He says to tell you he ain’t afraid to die." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MORAL OF THE STORYGet their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.' 'And what's the moral of the story?' asked the teacher. 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher. Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, 'Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched.' 'That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?' 'Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So... she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands.' 'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story? ' 'Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DANCING DUCKwatching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10,000.00 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BALLERINAShe raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender says to the little drunk, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?" The drunk replies, "Any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHY GUYalone at the bar. After an hour of screwing up his courage he heads over to her and asks tentatively, "Uh, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the poor guy is completely embarrassed and he walks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200 an hour!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RENT FOR APARTMENTfor $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT". On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note: Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied; 2) that there was plenty of heat; 3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PICK UPgorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her-knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note reads: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank, and 9 inches in your trousers.' Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her. It reads: 'Just so you know - I have a Mercedes and a BMW, and over TEN million in the bank. But not even for YOU, sweetheart, would I cut 2 inches off. So send back the bottle.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Things NOT to Say To a Police Officer2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are You Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic and yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son . . . your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKETwo Blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." So they went home. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE OPTICIANThe Doctor tells him, 'You've got to stop masturbating!' 'Why Doc,' he asked, 'am I going blind?' 'No,' the Doctor explained, 'but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BLONDE INDIAN GUIDEwhen, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave. The blonde Indian guide was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something. "No," said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you." Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" off came his clothes and into the cave he goes. The blonde Indian guide started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger then the ones that those Indians found. She must be really great to be in this cave!" Well... he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!" Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave. The next day in the newspaper the head lines read: Naked Blonde Indian Guide Run Over By Freight Train!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THREE DRUNKSlate one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Shamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles to Dublin." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUNKThe waiters asks, "Stewed, sir?" and the drunk replies, "Thash none of you bizhnesh." |
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