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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEA: Toes Go In First. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SEXUAL MATH98% of males (including married men) admitted to masturbating. Average: 3 times per week. (and... 85% admitted premarital sex; 50% admitted adultery) (Kinsey, et al. 1948) Current population - 132,090,689 Men in the United States ASSUMPTIONS 1. It takes at least ten minutes (on average) for a man to masturbate. LET'S DO THE NUMBERS 132,090,689 men in the United States X 3 wack-offs/week= 396,272,067 wack-offs/week. 6 ten-minute-periods/hour X 24hours/day X 7days/week= 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week. 396,272,067 wack-offs/week / 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week= 393,127 wack-offs/ten-minute-period. 393,127 wack-offs/ten-minute-period X 98% (Kinsey Factor)= 385,265 wack-offs/ten-minute-period. CONCLUSION At any given moment (on average), 385,265 men in the United States are wacking-off. So.......... be careful who you shake hands with! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Another Fight"Pour me a stiff one, Eddie, I just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" asked Eddie. "And how'd this one end?" "When it was over, "Harry replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees." "Really?" Now that's a switch! What did she say?" "She said, Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICEmy wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. v Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?" "Look, I can't prescribe..." "Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell! You've got to help me." The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? JUST one." "I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?" "Um... okay." Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home.... where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and.... drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before... she says, "I... need...a man..." His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too.." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ANAL GLAUCOMA"What's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of Anal Glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. He asks: "What the hell is Anal Glaucoma?" She responds: "I can't see my ass coming into work today." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 25th AnniversaryAs the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you...... what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out..... and suck your big breasts dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks like I did a pretty good job." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARThe first guy says, "When I'm lying there in my casket, I'd like to hear them say that I was a brilliant guy..... a nice guy...... and a good family man." The second guy says, "I'd like to hear them say..... I think I saw him move." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ART GALLERYThey find a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking. The wife asks, 'What are you waiting for?' The husband replies, 'Autumn.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARHe says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SCUBA DIVERno scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You idiot, I'm drowning." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE THREE BEARSHe looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the damn porridge yet!!". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT AM I?The function of which is enjoyed by both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts a clump of hairy little things at one end and a hole at the other. In use it is inserted, almost willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surface of the opening and some from the glistening shaft. After it is done and the flowing and cleansing fluids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching is bristling climax twice or even three times daily, but often much less. What am I? As you may have already guessed, the answer to this riddle is none other than your very own......... Toothbrush ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARin a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEThere was a sign on the inside of her door that said, "Do Not Disturb." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IT'S BIGGER IN TEXASThere he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!" They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately replies, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has died down when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie, "What are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARThe bartender says,"Whats the trouble"? The guy says,"I married Miss Right". The bartender says,"So whats the problem"? The guy says,"I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BEDROOMin bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, "Honey, before you leave, please let me explain." The wife stopped to listen. He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like. She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you'd discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now." The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with no clothes on?" The husband replied, "Well, that's simple... see, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAST REQUESTand she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that gun...'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOCTORS OFFICE"Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life." Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is areally great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!" So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MAGIC"You want to play 'Magic'?" She says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house and screw, and then you disappear." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOCTOR'S ORDERSTwo weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services. John's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of. "Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked. "I might as well take a look at it before the others get here." The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work. "He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICE"I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARAnd the bar was closed for the night... And out of his hole, crawled a little brown mouse... Who made a funny sight... He lapped up that beer, on the barroom floor... And back on his haunches he sat... And all through the night you could hear him yell... "Bring on that damn cat!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PRIESTS AND NUNSIt isn't until they were already in the shower, that they realized that they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap. Rather than get dressed, he peeks out into the hallway, and since no one is around, he decides to make a run for it. He gets the two bars of soap and checks the hall before heading back to the showers. All was clear, so he makes a break for it. Just as he turns the corner to the showers, he spots three nuns walking toward him. With nowhere to go, and hoping that the nuns will think he is a statue, he stands perfectly still, holding the two bars of soap. The nuns approach and the first nun says, "Oh my, look at that! Isn't that the most life-like statue you've ever seen?" She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's weenie. Startled, he drops the first bar of soap. "Oh Heavens," she exclaims, "I got a bar of soap!" The second nun is also amazed at how realistic the statue looks, so she steps in for a closer look. She takes a couple of yanks on the priest's weenie, and he drops the other bar of soap. "My goodness, I got a bar of soap also!" The nuns can't believe it. The third nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to it and gives a few tugs to the priest's weenie. "My God, this is amazing," she says, "I got liquid soap!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PAID TO CONVERT"Attention, Jewish neighbors...ten thousand dollars if you convert." The first guy says, "Ten thousand dollars is a lot of money." The other guy says, "Your grandfather was a rabbi, and your entire family is so religious, they would never forgive you." The first guy says, "I could use the money, and they'll never know." So he goes in, and after a few hours he comes out. The other guy says, "Did you get the money?" He says, "You Jews, always thinking about money." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICE"I'm sorry, my friend, but you've overdone it for the last thirty years and your genitals are burned out. You've only got fourteen orgasms left for your entire life." The guy goes home and tells his wife the news. She says, "Oh, no. We better make a list of when you're gonna use them." He says, "I already did. You ain't on it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PRESIDENTIAL HISTORYA. He was the president after Bush. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SAINT PETERSt. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer." The first guy walks up and St.Peter asks him, "How long were you married?" The first guy says, "24 years." "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asked. The guy says, "Yeah, 7 times... but you said I was forgiven!" Peter says, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto." The second guy says, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good." Peter says, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln." The 3rd guy walks up and says, "I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! Peter says, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!" A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto see the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they ask him what's wrong, he says, "I just saw my wife, and she was on a skateboard!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICEfor the results. "Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you." "The way I feel, please give me the good news first" replied the bachelor. The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam." "Great!" the man shouted. "What is the bad news?" "It's malignant," replied the doctor. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & AA. Have your wedding ring melted down into a bullet. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bush and Cheney in a BarA guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush and Cheney over there?' The barman says, 'Yep, that's them.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?' Bush says, 'We're planning WW III '. The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?' Bush says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140m Iraqis and one Blonde with big boobs.' The guy exclaimed, 'A Blonde with big boobs? Why kill a Blonde with big boobs?' Bush turns to Cheney, punches him on the shoulder and says, 'See, smart ass! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!' |
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