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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BLUE SUIThusband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" "No," she insists. "It must be a blue suit." She then gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director, "That is absolutely perfect! I love it! How much did it cost?" He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So, I switched the heads." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THREE DRINKSJoe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time." "Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!" "OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEAN BLONDE JOKEdeciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The Blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt. "Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ JESUS AND THE REDNECKwith great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also. The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also. The third patron, a Georgia Redneck, swaggered in and hollered. "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the Georgia Redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the Georgia Redneck, and the Redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARThen he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. "What's the matter?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days." The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender. "Yeah, except today is the last day." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUNK"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change your from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TOP TEN BLONDE INVENTIONS2) Solar powered flashlight 3) Submarine screen door 4) A book on how to read 5) Inflatable dart board 6) A dictionary index 7) Ejector seat in a helicopter 8) Powdered water 9) Pedal-powered wheel chair 10) Water-proof tea bag ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Good News - Bad Newsstanding at the foot of the bed. 'Doctor, how did it go?' 'I have good news and bad news', says the doctor. 'Give me the good news, I feel terrible and I need cheering up.' 'The good news is that we managed to save your testicles.' 'That's terrific. What's the bad news?' 'They are under your pillow!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FARMERS 3 DAUGHTERSOne by one the local boys came by to pick them up. The first boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're going steady, is she ready?" The farmer called Betty and she and Eddie went on their way. The second boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer called Flo and she and Joe went on their way. The third boy arrived in an old beat up pickup, came to the door and said: "Hi, I'm Chuck" The farmer shot him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEAN BLONDE JOKEWhen it was her turn she rolled the dice and landed on 'Science & Nature.' Her question was 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked 'Is it on or off?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ROOM FOR THE NIGHTHe stops at an inn and asks for lodgings. The innkeeper says that he doesn't have any rooms available but there is one big bed in a room that he can share with another man but he must warn him that the man snores so bad that no one can stand it. The traveler says that would be fine. Next morning he comes down all smiles and tells the innkeeper that he had a great nights sleep. The innkeeper was shocked and asked the man how he was able to sleep with all that noise. The man said, "Simple, when I got in the room I leaned over and kissed the man on the cheek and said 'have a good night, beautiful'. He stayed awake all night watching me." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THREE DOGSa black lab, a brown lab and a yellow lab. The black lab turns to the brown lab and says, "Why are you here?" The brown lab says, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything. I pissed on my owners sofa, their carpets, their drapes, but the last straw was when I pissed in the middle of their bed." The black lab says, "What is the vet going to do to you?" And the brown lab says, sadly, "Lethal injection." Then the brown lab asks the black, "Why are you here?" The black lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, I dig up the flowers, the bushes. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets but the last straw was when I dug a big hole in my owner's sofa." The brown lab says, "What's the vet going to do to you?" And the black lab says sadly, "Lethal injection." Then the black and brown labs turn to the yellow lab and ask, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, "I'm a humper. I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, the dining room table, a fire hydrant. Whatever I see, I want to hump. Why, last week, my owner had taken a shower and was drying her toes and I couldn't help it, I just hopped on her back and humped her." The black lab says, "So you're here for a lethal injection, too?" "No, I'm getting my nails clipped." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKESA. So they have some place to put their feet. Q. Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shirt? A. It stands for, "Tits Go In Front." Q. What do you call a Blonde with half a brain? A. Gifted! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MORE.. WOMEN PUT DOWN MENA. Opposites attract. Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell. Q. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? A. Telling you his real name. Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN PUT DOWN MENA. Trustworthy. Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ XMAS PRESENTA woman opens the door in a sexy negligee and invites him in. Surprised, he follows her to the bedroom where they proceed to have sex. After it's over, the woman hands him a dollar. The mailman, puzzled, asked why? The woman replied, "well, while I was making my shopping list I asked my husband, honey, what should we give that nice mailman for Christmas?" and he replied, "screw the mailman, give him a dollar!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ COLLECTION MONEYand started discussing their weekly collections. Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God. The rabbi explains: "I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. Whatever lands outside the circle, I give to God." The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs." The televangelist then proclaims: "I also use the same method. Except, that I toss the money in the air and I figure that whatever God wants, he can take." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARThe bartender pours him a tall, froth mug and says "That'll be five bucks." As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender says "You know... we don't get many gorillas in here." To which the gorilla replies, "At five bucks a beer, it's no wonder..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ JUST WAXIN' MY BOATa great big smile on his face. Bill says "Bob, what are you so happy for?" "Well Bill, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Bill, tits out to here! She says 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bill. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Bill, she couldn't swim!!" The next day Bill walks into the bar and sees Bob sitting at the end of the bar with a bigger smile on his face. Bill says "What are you so happy about today Bob?" "Well Bill... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Bill, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bill, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Bill, she couldn't swim!!!!" A couple days pass and Bill walks into the bar and sees Bob cryin over a beer. Bill says "Bob, what are you so sad for?" "Well Bill, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Bill, tits WAY out to here. She says 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bill, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. She pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Bill !!! She had a great BIG dick!!! And Bill, I CAN'T SWIM,... I CAN'T SWIM !!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HIGH SCHOOL REUNIONHe hasn't seen anyone since their 25 year reunion and is very interested to see who might show up. When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweetheart. They sit down at a table and talk about the past 25 years. "How have you been?" he asks. "Just fine, just fine," she replies. "Although I do have some good news and bad news for you." "Bad news first please." "Well, I had to have a hysterectomy a few years back." "Oh, that's terrible," he says. "What's the good news?" She says, "The doctor found your old high school ring you thought lost." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PERSONAL QUESTION"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her. "I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is." "OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?" "I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!" "Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUNKHe stays until the bar closes at 2am at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up so he takes off his shoes and starts to tip toe up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. Thats wouldn't have been so bad except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets that broke and the broken glass carved up his rear end terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror and sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, his rear was hurting and he was hunkering under the covers, trying to think of a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night, " she said, "where did you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh. You were plastered last night, so where did you go?" she inquired. "What makes you so sure that I got drunk last night anyway?" "Well, she replied, "My first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of bandaids stuck to the mirror!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PHARMACYThe woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the shop, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said, 'This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection, which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?' The woman said 'Just a minute, I'll go and talk to my sister.' When she returned, she said, 'The best we can do is one-third ownership in the shop and $2,000 a month in living expenses.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DIVORCEtheir union after a very short time together. After a brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court seeking a divorce. The judge asks the young husband, "What has brought you to the point that you feel you are not able to keep this marriage together?" The husband answers, "Your Honor, in the six weeks I have been married, we have been unable to agree on a single thing." His wife says, "Seven weeks." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TAXI DRIVERThe driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, 'Please, don't ever do that again.' The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could startle him so much, to which the driver replied, 'I'm sorry, it's really not your fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEAN BLONDE JOKEHe wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, 'If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?' The Blonde quickly responded, 'Definitely the living one.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARShe was followed a few minutes later by a man who took a seat at the end of the bar. He immediately noticed the beauty and, since this was his local hangout, figured the bartender would do him a favor. "Jack, here's a twenty dollar bill," whispered the man, leaning over the bar, "slip her some Spanish fly." "I don't have any Spanish fly," said the bartender, "but a customer gave me some Jewish fly." "Jewish fly!" exclaimed the man, "what does THAT do?" "I don't know," answered the bartender. "Why don't we try it and find out?" The next time the woman needed a refill, the bartender put the Jewish fly powder in her drink. She finished the drink, and a few minutes later got up and sidled over to the man. She put her arm around his shoulder, put her other hand on his knee, and began to rub the inside of his leg. "You attract me," she purred. "I'd like to do something with you tonight." "Honey, I'll do anything you want," gasped the man. "Great! Take me shopping at Bloomingdale's!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HINDSIGHTShe goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she asks. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?' The husband looks up from his coffee, and says 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?' he asks solemnly. 'Yes, I do,' she replies. 'Do you remember when your father, the judge, caught us in the back seat of my car making love?' 'Yes, I remember,' says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"' 'I remember that too,' she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, 'I would have got out today.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PHARMACYThe pharmacist asked what he wanted it for. The man answered, 'I want to kill my wife.' 'I'm sorry Sir,' the pharmacist replied, 'but under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide.' The chap reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist blushes and replies, 'I am sorry Sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARbusiness when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!! knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and --WHAM!!!"-- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ON THE AIRPLANEOne guy says to the other, 'Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, 'What would you like to discuss?' The first guy says, 'Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?' The other guy says, 'OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?' The first guy says, 'I don't know.' The other guy says, 'Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?' |
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