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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sex On The BeachAfter a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love with his wife. "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching us." "OK, lets go to the beach." "After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a Sherriff's Deputy runs into them." "Put your clothes on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public." "You're right - said the husband.... but it was a moment of weakness. We didn't see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too.... and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me." "Don't worry, you're on the force and it is your first time. But this is the third time this week I caught this nympho screwing on the beach, and she's under arrest." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THREE NUNS"I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!" "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them all in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms." "Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them," she replied. The third nun said, "Oh God." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLASS PICTUREThe children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ... she's dead." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HEAVY LOADA man’s driving down the road behind an 18-wheeler. At every red light, the truck-driver gets out of his cab.... runs back and bangs on the truck door. After seeing this at several sets of lights in a row.... the car driver follows him until he pulls into a rest stop. When they’ve both come to a stop the truck driver once again jumps out.... runs to the back and starts banging on the truck door. The motorist goes up to him and says, "I don’t mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?" To which the truck-driver replies, "I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NUDIST COLONYA man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection. The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, did you call for me?" The man replied, "No, what do you mean?" She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool.... laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her.... and happily let him have his way with her. Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer. "You must be new." answered the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer. The newcomer staggered back to the colony office.... where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked. "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But, Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities." "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month.... but I fart 15 times a day." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ UGLY LADYA very ugly woman walks into a supermarket with her two kids. The supermarket security guard asks, "Are they twins?" The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?" "No," replies the guard. "I just can’t believe you got laid twice." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKESQ & A Why do Blondes have more fun? They are easier to keep amused. What does a postcard from a Blonde's vacation say? Having a wonderful time. Where am I? Why don't Blondes make good pharmacists? They can't get the bottle into the typewriter. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BITING NUTSThe Russian wrestling team and American wrestling team are having a 5-on-5 exhibition match. Both teams are down to their final wrestlers, tied at two wins apiece. The remaining American wrestler is 5'10", 175lbs., and his Russian counterpart is 6'7", 300lbs and all muscle. The American coach sends his wrestler into the match with little hope of winning. As expected, the Russian has his way with the American. Suddenly, the American explosively turns the match around.... pins the Russian, and gains the victory for the American team. The American wrestler returns to the sidelines where the coach asks him, "Son, how were you able to defeat that big Russian? Honestly, I didn't give you much of a chance." The wrestler says, "Well, coach, when he had me down on the ground all rolled up.... I saw a pair of nuts dangling in front of my face.... and I just bit them as hard as I could." The coach is shocked. "That's how you beat him?!" "Hell yeah!" the wrestler says. "You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own nuts!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LOVE POTIONA young man was smitten by a very lovely young lady. Unfortunately she did, not return the feeling. In desperation he went to a group of witches.... searching for a love potion. They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It was highly unethical to administer a potion to someone.... without her permission. But, they did have an alternate solution. They sold him a bottle of small white pellets. He was to bury one in her yard every night at midnight for a month. He returned to the witches six weeks later excited and thankful. He and the young lady were to wed in a month. The witch told him, "Nothin' says lovin' like something from a coven and pills buried say's it best." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DEAR TECH SUPPORTDear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting rules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. Desperate in Des Moines Dear Desperate in Des Moines, Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3. Tech Support ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEif she can use the store's baby scale. "Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight.. if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first." "Oh, that won't work," says the Blonde. "Why not?" asks the clerk. "Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKE"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to Blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Blonde?" "Because",he replied, "that's a microwave. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BURGLARsleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!" "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAST WISH'Can you give me one last wish?' She says, 'Anything you want.' He says, 'After I die, will you marry Larry?' She says, 'But I thought you hated Larry.' With his last breath, he says, 'I do.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LITTLE BOYso one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a policeman. The policeman asks the boy, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!" The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched girls undress, I'd turn to stone... and all of a sudden I felt something hard! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKEHe sees a good looking lady sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, 'Hi there, how's it going?' She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says 'I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere! He says, 'No kidding? What firm do you work for?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MATH LESSONThe counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change.... when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I tried to tell her to just give me two quarters.... but she called the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s: Teaching Math In 1950 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math In 1960 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math In 1970 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? Teaching Math In 1980 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math In 1990 A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate.... and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.) Teaching Math In 2007 Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100.! El costo de la produccisn es $80. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CINDERELLAHer fairy God-mother was very distraught. "Cinderella," she said, "Why are you crying? You have a beautiful gown, a shiny pair of glass slippers, and you're about to have one of the best evenings of your life!" But Cinderella continued to cry. "I know," she said, sobbing, "but I've looked everywhere and I can't find my diaphragm! What am I going to do!?!" she cried again. The fairy Godmother thought for a moment, and then said, "I'll make you a diaphragm, but only for tonight and you HAVE to be back by midnight or it will turn into a pumpkin." "Thank you! Thank you!" she shrieked, and she went hurrying out the door so she wouldn't be late. The fairy God-mother smiled, happy to have pleased Cinderella so much. She settled down in front of the fire to await Cinderella's return. The fairy God-mother waited. And she waited. And she waited, until finally 12 o'clock rolled around and there was still no sign of Cinderella. The fairy God-mother started to get worried. One o'clock rolled around and then came two and then three and the fairy God-mother had worked herself into a frenzy thinking about all of the horrible things that could have happened to her. Suddenly, the door swings open and Cinderella comes sauntering in in a daze with a lazy smile painted on her face, a little drunken swagger in her walk and a kind of breathless tired hello. The fairy God-mother's eyes got big and she jumps up. "What happened? Are you ok?" she said with a frantic voice. "I'm just fine," she murmured. I was on my way home when I met the most lovely man.... Peter, Peter something or other." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUNKCheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons to..... the exceptionally attractive blonde serving drinks. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "I am." The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CHOKING'My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!' A man from a nearby table stood up and announced..... that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's testicles..... and squeezed...... Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. 'Thank you! Thank you!' the father cried. 'Are you a paramedic?' 'No,' replied the man. 'I work for the IRS.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ $5000 LOANHe said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, 'We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?' The business man replied: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ INTELLIGENCEOne said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun while you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean?" The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree, immediately clutching his hand in agony. The boss said, "That's intelligence!" The ditch digger went back to his hole, still in pain. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICETwo men are sitting in the doctor's office. One looks at the other and says, "What are you here for?" The man replies "I have a red ring around my pecker, What are you here for?" The other man says, "I have a green ring around my pecker." The doctor calls in the man with the red ring first and examines him. As he walks out he tells the other guy it was no problem. The doctor calls the man in with the green ring around his pecker and examines him. The doctor says, "Your pecker will fall off and you will die". The mans says, "What?? You told the man with the red ring he was ok, but I'm gonna die??" The doctor replies, "Yes, but there's a big difference between lipstick and gangrene!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Gone Fishingat a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says,Yes! lots of Walleye, some Blugill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do? The wife replies; I did, they were in your tacklebox! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PUMPKINAs he was passing a pumpkin patch, his mind started to wander. He thought to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around for miles. He pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a nice, juicy looking pumpkin, cut the appropriate size hole in it, and began to have sex with the pumpkin. After a while he really got into it, and didn't notice the police car pulling up. The cop walked over and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are making love to a pumpkin?" The man looked at the cop in complete horror, thought fast and said, "A pumpkin? Cindy, is it midnight already?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Smugglerwhere he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams. 'What's in here?' he asked. 'Dirt,' the driver replied. 'Take them out,' the guard instructed, 'I want to check them.' Obliging, the man removed the bags, and, there was nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go. A week later the man came back, and, once again, the sentry looked in the trunk. 'What's in the bags this time?' he asked. 'More dirt,' said the man. Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and once again, he found nothing but soil. The same thing happened every day for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender. Then, one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, 'Listen, pal, drinks are on the house if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time.' Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered...... 'Cars.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MARYLOUwife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name MaryLou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, MaryLou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?" She replied "Your horse called." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE YOUNG COUPLEHe drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the light on. The policeman walked over to the car where he saw young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cracked the window and said, "Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she is knitting a sweater." Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BUCKWHEAT AND DARLA"How do you spell 'dumb'?" Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb." The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." She says, "Buckwheat is dumb." The teacher says, "Now spell 'stupid'." Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid." The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid." When the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate." Buckwheat stands and says, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate." The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." Buckwheat ponders for a few seconds, then spurts out, "I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LIFE IS BACKWARDSLife is tough. It takes up all of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young... you get a gold watch... then you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating . . . and then finish off as an orgasm!! |
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