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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DUMB GUYHis wife gets naked, sits on the bed, and says, "Do you know what I want?" He says, "No." She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says, "Now do you know what I want?" He says, "Yeah... you want the whole damn bed to yourself." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE RABBIsending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid. When he walks into his room, there's a nude girl lying on the bed. He picks up the phone, calls his temple, and says, "Where is your respect? As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with you." The girl gets up and start to get dressed. He says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry at you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Ten Commandments in Cajun...1. God is number one... and das' All. 2. Don't pray to nuttin' or nobody... jus' God. 3. Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord. 4. When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by God's House. 5. Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem. 6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No! 7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her. 8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else. 9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff. 10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEThe first Blonde says "Oh cool, deer tracks." The other Blonde says "No those are bear tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE HITCHHIKERShe was barely wearing REALLY low cut short shorts and a tiny halter top that showed all of her tanned tummy. "Say, what's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck. "It's Snow ... Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?" "Me, I'm June ... June Hansen," she said. After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?" "Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered, ....having eight inches of Snow in June?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The American Diplomatwined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his man-servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand Emir. " A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "American Diplomat sit on well." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THEIR FIRST FIGHT"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & AA. Because it scares the hell out of the dog. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & AA. The one that's labeled "IDAHO" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 50TH ANNIVERSARYtheir 50th anniversary. The man says "Honey, do you remember what we were doing at this exact moment 50 years ago"? To which she replied "Yes dear we were sitting here naked eating breakfast." He looks at her and says "So how 'bout it". And she said "ok"....so they strip naked and are eating their breakfast when all of a sudden the woman says "Damn, after all these years you still make my nipples hot" Her husband replies "That's because one is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICEThe doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is about 4 months pregnant" The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walk's over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & AA: She realizes that she given her last B J. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GARDEN OF EDEN"I've got some good news and some bad news," God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate these organs one at a time." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARand she gets a little tipsy. The guys at the bar notice, so they escort her to a booth and "do" her. She comes back the next day, orders another Bud, and another, and another, and the same guys do the same thing. The next day, she comes in and orders a Coor's. The bartender says "I thought you drank Bud?" She says, "I had to give it up, it hurt my privates." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARLooking around the bar he sees a woman sitting in a booth by herself reading a book. He asks the bartender, when he gets his beer, "What's the deal with her over there?" The bartender replies, "I don't know, she came in here ordered that drink and has been reading her book ever since." The man thinks to himself that she looks VERY fine and saunters over to the booth. He sits across the table from the woman and says, "Hello, what are you reading?" "I am reading this book about sex facts." "That's interesting... Like what?" He asks. "For example, it says here that the myth about the black man having the biggest penis is a myth, but really Native Americans have the biggest penises. " She replies, "another one says that the French are not the best lovers, it is really the Latin men." "That's interesting, by the way, what is your name?" He asks. "Laura, What is yours?" He replies slowly, "Tonto Rodriguez!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEThe bartender pointed to a large man at the end of the bar and said, ``He's a Blonde.'' Then the bartender pointed to a burly policeman near the door and repeated, ``He's a Blonde.'' The bartender finished, `Now think about whether you want to tell that joke, because I'm Blonde, too.'' The customer replied, ``I guess I won't tell that joke after all. I'd have to explain it three times.'' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ZOOHowever, within a few weeks, the female gorilla had become extremely agitated and difficult to handle. A vet was called in, and upon examination, he determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. And to make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the same species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Dave, a trainee zoo-keeper who was responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Dave, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy ANY species. On realizing this, the park administrators thought they might have found a solution. Dave was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Dave showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Dave turned up for work and announced that he would accept their offer, but only on three conditions. 'First,' he explained, 'I don't want to have to kiss her. And secondly, you must promise never to tell anyone about this.' The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. 'Well,' pleaded Dave, 'you gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DONALD AND DAISYbut the first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?" Donald squawked, "No!" and headed downstairs to find one. In the lobby, he asked the desk clerk if he had any. "Why, yes, we do, Mr. Duck," said the clerk, as he inconspicuously pulled one out of a drawer. "Would you like me to put it on your bill?" "Hell, no!" squawked Donald. "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TALKING DOG"Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The man goes to the back yard where he finds the dog just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." the dog replies. "So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking as a young pup and I wanted to help society, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of medals. Had a wife, a few pups, and now I'm just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten bucks." The man says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Cause he's a damn liar. He's never done any of that stuff ..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CAUGHT IN THE ACTWhen she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ COSMETIC SURGERY"down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and tuck there. Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them." "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks." "Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy. "The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home." "Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?". "That's from Eric in the burns unit", said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TRAFFIC STOPdown Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding.... so he'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GOING TO VEGASwith her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas." He asked her why she was going. She told him, "I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free." He went into the house, packed his bags and returned. His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?" "I''m going too!" he replied. "Why?" she asked. "I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DONATIONSIt went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her. "My dear, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need, I give to the church." "That's wonderful, but how much does he send you?" the priest asked. "He sends me $2,000 every week," she replied proudly. "Your son must be very successful," said the priest. "May I ask what does he do for a living? "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is a very honorable profession," the priest assured her. "Where does he practice?" "Well," she replied, "he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in New Orleans." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TODAY IS (7/7/07- or- 7/7/7)
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