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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARTwo of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet. After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife? The third fellow said, I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees. The first two guys were amazed. Wow! What happened then? they asked. The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed, and uttered, She said, Get out from under the bed and fight like a man. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE NEW BABYUnfortunately, the baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the new parents invited Little Johnny's family over to see the new baby. Little Johnny's parents being very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. They said, 'Now son, that poor baby was born without any ears. We want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or you're really going to get your bottom spanked when we get back home.' 'Okay,' said little Johnny, 'I promise not to mention his ears at all.' So off they went to see the new baby. At the neighbors home Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand gently. He looked at it's mother and said, 'Oh what a beautiful little baby!' The mother, who had braced herself for what Johnny might say, was pleasantly surprised and said, 'Thank you very much Johnny.' He then said, 'This baby has perfect little hands, and perfect little feet. Why just look at his pretty little eyes... Did the doctor say he can see good?' The mother said a bit bewildered, 'Why yes... the doctor said he has 20/20 vision, Why do you ask?' Little Johnny said, 'Well, it's a good thing, 'cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!!!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LITTLE JOHNNYHis little brother Billy hears him and gets up, too. On the way to the kitchen, they hear noise coming from their parent's bedroom and decide to peek through the keyhole. Little Johnny goes first. "Oh, my!" he says, backing away. Billy takes a look. After a few seconds, he says angrily, "I can't believe it." What can't you believe" asks his brother. "I can't believe Mom has the nerve to yell at me for sucking my thumb!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE GAME WARDENof fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?' The man replied to the game warden, 'No, sir. These are my pet fish.' 'Pet fish?!' the warden asked. 'Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home.' 'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!' The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, 'Here, I'll show you. It really works.' 'O.K. I've GOT to see this!. 'The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, 'Well ?' 'Well, What?' the man responded. 'When are you going to call them back?' the game warden prompted. 'Call who back?' The man asked. 'The fish.' replied the warden. 'What fish?' The man asked. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THIRD MARRIAGEOn their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a virgin." The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before." The bride responds... "Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it." "My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it." "And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was... God I miss him!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE TOAST"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "What was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the top prize the other night, with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "I was a bit surprised! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEHe slaps $10 on the bar and says, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom." The Blonde knows the bathroom is around the corner, so she accepts the bet. He takes out his glass eye, places it beside his drink and goes to the bathroom. When he comes back, he pockets the money and makes another challenge. "Betcha I can bite my own ear," the guy says. She accepts, and he takes out his false teeth and nips his ear. Once more, he scoops up the money. "OK," he says, "I'll give you a chance to win back your money. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly that you won't feel a thing." The Sexy Blonde knows this bet is a sure thing, so she accepts. The guy climbs behind the bar, lifts her skirt and begins. "I can feel you," she giggles. "Oh well," he says, "You win some, you lose some." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SPEEDINGHe walks up to the driver and says, "I clocked you doing over 80 mph, sir". "Gee officer," says the driver," I had it on cruise control at 60". "Don't be silly dear," the wife chimes in. "This car doesn't have cruise control." As the cop begins to write the ticket, the husband growls to his wife, "Can't you just shut the hell up?" The wife smiles and says, "You should be happy the radar detector went off when it did." "A radar detector?" says the officer, "That's illegal!" He starts to write up a second ticket. "Damn it woman," screams the husband, "keep your damn mouth shut!" The officer bends down, looks at the woman and asks, "Does he always talk to you like that?" "Oh heavens no," she replies, "only when he's been drinking." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LITTLE JOHNNYMolly said, "My family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we saw all his sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see New Your City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word 'fascinate'." Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated, but decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate". Johnny said, "My cousin Mary has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big, she can only fasten-eight..........." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEAN BLONDE JOKEA. You can park in handicapped zones. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEA: Last year's hide and seek champion. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BRIDE WEARS WHITEThe little girl asks her mother, why brides always wear white? The mother tells the little girl it is because white represents happiness.... and the wedding day is the happiest day of her life. The little girl asks: Then why do grooms wear black?........ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SKINNY-DIPPINGShe decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited. "You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him. He replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & AA. You can always unscrew a lightbulb. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NEW WORDS"Mom I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are. He tells her "Well, pussy and bitch." She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy." He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning." Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch. Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle is pussy." "OK, dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son," he says, "everything outside that circle." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEA: It takes too long to retrain them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEA. The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE COLD WARcontinued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years they came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were two inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years........ to make an alligator look like a Dachshund." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEwhere they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat. "NO!" said the Blonde. The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again. "NO!" the Blonde said again. Things got even hotter and the Blonde was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped. "Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?" asked the guy. "For the last time, NO!" said the Blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, "Well, why the hell not?" The Blonde looked at him and said, "Because I wanna stay up here with you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q and AA: A pimp. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ELEVATORwere visiting a mall on their first trip to the city of Atlanta. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is that?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life -- I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as the small circles of light with numbers above the wall lit up. They continued to watch and the circles of light started moving in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father kneeled and whispered to his son, "Go get your mother." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE GUYHe rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4- year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. "You bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BE HONEST"Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?" To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm." "Really?" he said excitedly. "Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word 'warm'." John was pleased until he went home and, checked his dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARSome guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home. So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times. They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEshe ran to the phone and called the fire department and said, "HELP!! you have to get here now my house is on fire!" And the fireman on the other end said "How do we get to your house??" She just kept saying "you have to get here now, my house is on fire". Again the fireman asked "how do we get to your house??". And then she said "DRIVE YOUR BIG RED TRUCK!!" and hung up! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HEAVENThey vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, and sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat a good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven is really like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a rabbit in Arizona." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEShe drives all the way to apply for a passport. In the passport office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling her passport application. The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees the Blonde trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'. The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'." "Doesn't matter," the Blonde answers. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MINISTERWhile they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," Little Johnny replied. "Goat?" said the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said Johnny "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ //--> ADAM & EVE"It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth. I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SUCCESSA successful woman is one who can find such a man. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GRANDMAOne day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the girls line up along the sidewalk when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not wanting to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the hookers. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it? " Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry." The policeman fainted. |
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