 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/30/2007
CHINESE HONEYMOON
A Chinese couple get married and go off on their honeymoon.
The wife is a virgin, and very shy. She climbs into bed fully clothed,
then strips off under the covers.
The husband is gentile and caring and slowly starts getting undressed.
He says to her: 'Don't worry my love, we can do this at your own pace.
You tell what you want and I will do it for you.
If there is anything I can do to put your mind at ease I do it for you, my love.
Absolutely anything...'
'How about a 69?' she asks coyly.
'A 69??' he replies shocked.
'A 69??'
'You want Kung Pow Chicken right now?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/29/2007
GOOD NEWS & BAD NEWS
"I have good news and bad news,"
the defense attorney told his client.
"First the bad news....
The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with
that found at the crime scene."
"Oh, no!" cried the client.
"What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is only 140."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/28/2007
THE WEDDING NIGHT
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick.
So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man planning to
screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem,
in spite of the half-century age difference.
On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him
to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom
to cover his 12 inch erection,
and he was wearing a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked,
"What are those for?"
The old man replied,
"There are two things I can't stand:
the sound of a woman screaming,...
and the smell of burning latex!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/27/2007
BUBBA AND EARL
Bubba and Earl were driving home from a football game when Bubba noticed
that he was almost out of gas.
Just than Earl sees a sign for a gas station that said
"Free Sex With fill up".
So they decided to stop, when they got to the station and the attendant said
"How can I help you?",
Bubba said "FILL IT UP!!".
After the attendant was finished he said "That'll be $18.95",
Bubba said, "Ok, but what about the free sex??"
The attendant said "First you have to pick a number between 1 & 10 and if
you get it right you get the sex."
Bubba and Earl thought that this is going to be very easy so
Bubba looks the guy in the eyes and say's, "7",
the guy said "no, Its 2."
So they leave.
A little way down the road Bubba said,
"Ya know Earl I think that guy played a trick on us."
Earl said "No"
"Well how do you know" asked Bubba,
and Earl said,
"Because my sister was in there twice last week and she won both times"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/26/2007
DOE IN THE WOODS
Q. What did the doe say when she came running out of the woods?
A. I'll never do that for two bucks again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/25/2007
MEDICAL NEWS
The first Viagra baby's been born.
Eight pounds, twelve inches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/24/2007
REDNECKS
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Billy Bob Smith!
He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents raid Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they burst open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at Billy Bob and leave.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house:
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/23/2007
BOY AND GIRL
A little boy and a little girl were comparing things,
each trying to outdo the other.
The little boy said, "I've got five marbles."
The little girl said, "Well, I've got six marbles."
The little boy then said, "Well, I've got eight pennies."
To which the little girl replied, "I've got a dime."
The little boy then dropped his pants and said,
"Well, I've got one of these."
The little girl proceeded to lift up her dress, and said,
"I've got one of these.........
.....and with one of these.......
I can have as many of THOSE as I want."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/22/2007
BLONDE JOKE
Q. What does a Blonde put behind her ears to attract men?
A. Her ankles.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/21/2007ANYTHING YOU WANT
One day, a man came home from work...
...and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightdress.
"Tie me up," she purred,
"and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/20/2007
BLONDE JOKE
Q. Why did the Blonde have a sore belly button ?
A. Her boyfriend was also Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/19/2007THE YOUNG NURSE
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose...
...still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask.
"Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies "I don't know sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet!"
He struggles to ask again "Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from worry....
she overcomes her worry and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand....
and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then she takes a close look and says
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her and says very slowly:
"Thank you very much.
That was wonderful....
but listen very, very closely.
Are-My-Test-Results-Back?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/18/2007
BLONDE JOKE
Q. Whats a Blonde's idea of safe sex ?
A. Locking the car door
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/17/2007BAD BLIND DATE
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered.
"He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car.
What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/16/2007
BLONDE JOKE
Q. What do you give the Blonde that has everything?
A. Penicillin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/15/2007
AIRPLANE
An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers on board,
but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger, George W. Bush said,
"I am the President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility,
being leader of nearly 300 million people and a superpower."
So he takes the first parachute and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger said, "I'm Antoine Walker,
one of the best NBA basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me so
I can't afford to die."
So he takes the second parachute and leaves the plane.
The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said,
"I am New York's Senator, I am running for President,
and I am the smartest woman in the world."
So she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.
The fourth passenger, an old man, says to the fifth passenger,
a 10 year-old Boy Scout,
"I am old and frail and I don't have many years left so as a Christian gesture
and a good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The Boy Scout said,
"It's okay, there's a parachute left for you.
The world's smartest woman took my backpack."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/14/2007
THE SPERM BANK
Q. Did you hear about the girl who was fired from her job in a sperm bank
after she became pregnant.
A. They discovered she'd been embezzling.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/13/2007
THE DRUNK
A drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher.
The minister notices the old drunk and says,
'Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk looks back and says,
'Yes, preacher, I sure am.'
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
'Have you found Jesus?' the preacher asks.
'Nooo, I didn't!' said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says,
'Now, brother, have you found Jesus?'
'Noooo, I have not, reverend.'
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time,
brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone,
'My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?'
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/12/2007
THE DOCTORS OFFICE
An old couple was in the doctor's office when the nurse came in and said,
'Mr. Jones, the doctor told me that he needs you to give a urine sample,
a stool sample and a sperm sample before he examines you.'
The old man looked up at the nurse, cupped his right ear and said,
'What did you say?'
The nurse came a little closer and said very loudly,
'We're going to need you to give a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.
The old man leaned forward and said,
'What did you say, young lady?', then turning to his wife next to him he shouted,
'what did she say?'
His wife leaned over and shouted in his ear,
'She said she wants your shorts!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/11/2007
No Jokes Today. Never Forget Sept. 11, 2001
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/10/2007Q & A
Q. What's the difference between northen zoos and southern zoos?
A. Northern zoos have the name of the animal in English and Latin and
southern zoos have the name of the animal and the recipe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/9/2007
Q & A
Q. How do you know your girlfriend is too hairy?
A. Her Epilady has a grass-catcher.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/8/2007
BATTERIES
A woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two size C batteries.
The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way,"
He heads towards the back of the store.
"If I could come that way," she tells the retreating clerk,
"I wouldn't need the batteries."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/7/2007
THE MONASTERY
A new monk arrives to join the others copying ancient records.
He notices they're copying by hand books that had already been copied by hand.
He says, "Forgive me, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error.
How do we know we aren't copying someone else's mistakes?"
The head monk says, "That is a good point, my son.
I will take one of these new copies down to my vault and study it against
the original document."
The old monk goes into the vault to study.
The day passes, and it's getting late in the evening, and the other monks
start to get worried about him, so one of them goes looking for him.
As he's walking through the catacombs, he hears sobbing.
He says, "Holy Father?"
The sobbing gets louder as he gets near.
Finally he finds the old priest sitting at a table with both the new copy
and the original ancient book in front of him.
He says, "Father, what's wrong?"
The old monk says, "The word is celebrate."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/6/2007
THE FORMER PRES.& AL GORE
Bill Clinton and Al Gore are sitting in a diner.
The waitress says, "Ready to order?"
Clinton says, "Yeah. I'd like a quickie."
The waitress says,
"A quickie?
Mr. President, I don't think that's a real good idea.
I'll come back when you're ready to order from the menu."
Al Gore leans over and says,
"It's pronounced "quiche."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/5/2007
Q and A
Q. What should you do if your ex-wife is staggering across the yard?
A. Reload.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/4/2007
LITTLE JOHNNY
Just as mom walks though the door,
little Johnny comes running over.
He says "Mommy, Mommy, I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in
with the lady next door and they started kissing and then.....
they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed..."
The mother interupts him.
"Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!"
When the father finally returns from work,
the mother promptly goes up to him and says
"I'm leaving you."
The father, bewildered, slowly asks "Why!?! What did I do??"
Mother turns to Johnny and says "till daddy exactly what you told me today!"
"I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door.....
and they started kissing and then they took each others clothes off and....
laid down on the bed.....
just like what you and uncle Joe did last week."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/3/2007
.THE RABBI
A Rabbi is riding in a cab when they see a guy kicking a woman who is
lying on the sidewalk.
The cabbie zooms over, jumps out, and runs to help the lady.
The Rabbi rolls down the window, and starts yelling,
"Stop it!"
"Stop it!"
"Stop the meter!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/2/2007
THE DOCTORS OFFICE
A construction worker says to the doctor, "I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him, and then says, "Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table,
the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat,
and then sends him to the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says,
"Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 9/1/2007
THE FROG
A frog calls a psychic hotline and the psychic says,
"You're going to meet a beautiful young girl.......
She will want to know everything about you."
The frog says,
"Will I meet her at a party?"
The psychic says,
"No, next year...in biology class."
|
Network