 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/31/2007
Men Seeking Women
Thick glasses, HP calculator, SAT 99th percentile, knows pi to 16 digits.
Great job, big house, pool. SWM, 33, 6'0", 144 lbs.
Better looking than Bill Gates.
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NEW Added on 10/30/2007
OLD FOLKS
A young guy sees an old couple in a diner.
They've got one meal, and an extra cup.
He watches the old guy divide the hamburger in half, then count out the fries,
one for him, one for her, until each of them had half.
Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and put it in front of his wife.
Then the old man began to eat, as his wife sat watching.
The young guy says,
"Can I buy you folks a second meal?"
The old guy says,
"Oh, no. We've been married for fifty years, and everything we have
has always been shared fifty-fifty."
The young guy says to the wife,
"Are you going to eat?"
She says,
"Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."
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NEW Added on 10/29/2007
LOVERS LANE
A guy and a girl are parked, and they're making out.
Just as things are really getting hot, she stops him and says,
"I should have said something sooner, but I'm a hooker and I charge
twenty dollars for sex."
The guy pays her and they get back to business.
After they finish, the guy sits back in the driver's seat and stares out the window.
The girl says, "Why aren't we going anywhere?"
He says,
"I should have said something sooner, but I'm a taxi driver,
and the fare back to town is twenty-five bucks."
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NEW Added on 10/28/2007
THE CLASSROOM
An angel appears in a college classroom and says to the professor,
"I will grant you absolute wealth or absolute knowledge."
The professor says, "Absolute knowledge."
The angel disappears, and the professor is speechless for a couple of minutes.
Then one of the students says,
"So, professor, what are you thinking?"
The professor says,
"I should have taken the money."
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NEW Added on 10/27/2007
Q. & A.
Q. What is the best way to remember your wife's birthday?
A. Forget it once.
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NEW Added on 10/26/2007
THE HONEYMOON
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do.
These walls are paper thin.
In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code.
For example, how about asking,
'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks,
"I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it,"
replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she
nudged her husband and said,
"I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all.
Would you like to do some laundry?"
"No, thanks," said the husband.
"It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
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NEW Added on 10/25/2007
SUNDAY GOLF
One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in.
He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again.
"9.30 Sunday okay?"
George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late, Wait for me."
The following Sunday George showed up right on time.
Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.
They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30.
George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."
The next Sunday there was George, punctual on the dot.
This time he played right-handed and beat them again
. "Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?"
One of the foursome asked.
George said, "Sure if I'm ten minutes late..."
Another golfer jumped in.
"Wait a minute... You always say you may be ten minutes late.
But you're always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed."
George said, "Well, that's true - I'm superstitious.
If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed.
If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed."
"What if she's lying on her back?"
George said, "That's when I'm ten minutes late!"
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NEW Added on 10/24/2007
PLAYING HOUSE
A little girl says to a little boy,
"Hey, Tommy, want to play house?"
He says, "Sure. What do I have to do?"
She says, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
He says, "I have no idea what that means."
She says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
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NEW Added on 10/23/2007
Q. & A.
Q. How are politicians like diapers?
A. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
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NEW Added on 10/22/2007
THE FROG
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away,
and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3-wood and, Boom! Hole-in-one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,
"What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game,
the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says,
"Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful".
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.
So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
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NEW Added on 10/21/2007
THE BREAKFAST
Harry's reading the paper at breakfast and he says,
"Look at this.
Another beautiful actress is gonna marry a football player who's a total dope.
I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives."
His wife says, "Thank you."
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NEW Added on 10/20/2007
THE DRUNK
A drunk is weaving down the road when a cop pulls him over.
The cop says,
"Did you know that a few intersections back your wife fell out of the car?"
The drunk says,
"That's great news.
For a minute, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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NEW Added on 10/19/2007
THE BABY
"My, oh my" exclaims this lady after having gazed at the child sitting in the stroller
of her friend,
"what an extraordinary baby!
Blue eyes, but slant-eyed, curly hair, but blonde, and olive skin......
I've never seen anything like it!"
"Well, yeah" says her friend,
"actually, he's the result of a group sex evening...
Honestly, we're just so happy he doesn't bark!"
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NEW Added on 10/18/2007
IN THE BAR
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.
He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul,
"you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got
an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up,
"I finally got up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff,
"When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul,
"but I was worried I'd get an erection again.
So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell.
She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
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NEW Added on 10/17/2007
BLONDE JOKE
Q: How did the Blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zamboni machine.
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NEW Added on 10/16/2007
THE ZOO
Mindi and Sylvia go to the zoo.
A gorilla breaks out of his cage, grabs Sylvia, throws her down,
rips off all her clothes, and has animal pounding sex with her.
The zookeeper pulls the gorilla off, and takes poor Sylvia to the hospital.
A few days later, Mindi goes to visit her.
She says, "So how you are feeling, Sylvia?"
Sylvia says,
"So how should I feel?
He doesn't call, he doesn't write..."
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NEW Added on 10/15/2007
Q & A
Q. Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
A. They're too bitter.
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NEW Added on 10/14/2007
THE DOCTORS OFFICE
A guy says to his doctor,
"I can't sleep, but I can't take pills, either."
The doctor says,
"No problem. Here's a suppository with a sleeping pill in it."
The next day the doctor calls the guy and says, "Did it work?"
The guy says,
"It worked too well,
I woke up with my finger in my ass."
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NEW Added on 10/13/2007
THE CHRISTMAS PRESENT
Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas.
The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were,
to say the least, rude.
Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words,
playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse.
He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming
and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly
opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said,
"I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and
I ask your forgiveness.
I will endeavor to correct my behavior".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask
what had changed him.....
when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the Chicken did?"
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NEW Added on 10/12/2007
SUNDAY SCHOOL
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class about the difference between
right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take another example," she said.
"If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money,
what would I be?"
A little girl raised her hand, and said,
"You'd be his wife."
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NEW Added on 10/11/2007
IN THE BAR
A guy walked into a bar and noticed a beautiful blonde sitting at the bar.
He walked up to her and said
'Can I buy you a drink?'
She replied
'Yes you may, but you won't get to first base with me.'
'And why not?' replied the guy.
'Because I'm a lesbian.' she replied.
'Oh, so you're from Lebanon.'
'You don't know what a lesbian is, do you?'
'No, I can't say I do.' replied the guy.
'Let me try to explain.' said the blonde.
'You see that girl at the end of the bar?
Well, I would like to make passionate love to her, and kiss her
all over all night long.'
She looked aside and saw the guy with his head down sobbing uncontrollably.
'What's the matter with you?!'
The guy slowly looked up at her and said
'My GOD... I think I'm a lesbian, too!'
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NEW Added on 10/10/2007
THE DIETICIAN
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful.
Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us knows the long term harm
caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have,
or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
for years after eating it?'
A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said,
' Wedding cake.'
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NEW Added on 10/9/2007
THE CHOKING VICTIM
Two Texans were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they noticed
a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing.
One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his
big Texan hands and said,
'Kin ya swaller?'
She shook her head 'no.'
'Kin ya breathe?'
Again she shakes her head 'no.'
The Texan grabs her around the waist with one of his big Texan hands,
turns her over, pulls up her skirt,
pulls down her panties and licks her right on the bottom!
The young woman was so shocked that she coughed, causing the food to dislodge.
The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls up her skirt, turns her right side up,
tips his hat and returns to his seat.
His companion is sitting there stunned.
'I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!'
he says to his heroic friend.
'Yep, I tell ya, that Hind Lick maneuver works every time!'
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NEW Added on 10/8/2007
THE BARBER SHOP
A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up,
he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
"Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest
shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech,
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber.
"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does..."
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NEW Added on 10/7/2007
YARD WORK
A husband and wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work.
The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over,
weeding flowers from the flower bed.
The man says to his wife,
"Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill."
She ignored the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill,
then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over,
measures her rear end and gasps,
"Geez, your butt really IS as wide as the grill!"
She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky.
The wife calmly responds,
"If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener,
you are sadly mistaken."
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NEW Added on 10/6/2007
BLONDE JOKE
Two Blondes went to the country market.
While they were there, they each bought a horse.
When they got home, they discussed how to tell their horses apart.
They decided to cut the tail off of one.
That worked for a while, but soon the tail grew back,
so they decided that they would tie a red bow around one of the horses' necks.
One of the Blondes said,
"Which of the horses should we put the red bow on,
the brown one or the white one?"
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NEW Added on 10/5/2007
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN:
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with "Because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
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NEW Added on 10/4/2007
THE FLASHER
Three little old ladies are sitting on a park bench,
when a man in a trench coat walks up to them, opens the coat,
and flashes them!
The first woman is so shocked, she immediatly has a stroke.
The second lady is also pretty shocked, and also has a stroke.
The third lady has a really bad case of arthritis,
so she can't get her hand high enough to have a stroke.
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NEW Added on 10/3/2007
RYE BREAD
Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other
about his sex life.
The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active.
The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age
so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.
"Well," answered the man,
"I eat rye bread everyday.
That is my secret.
If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."
The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby.
He tells the baker that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock...
...The baker then asks the man,
"do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?"
The man looks puzzled and asks the baker,
"what is the difference?"
The baker responds,
"Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."
To which the man responded,
"How come everyone knew about this but me......?"
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NEW Added on 10/2/2007
PHYSICAL THERAPIST
Two women are playing golf on a sunny Saturday morning...
The first of the twosome tees off and watches in horror as her ball hurtles
directly towards a group of men playing the next hole
hitting one of the men, who immediately crumples to the ground,
both hands clenched firmly between his legs.
The women rush over...
'I'm really, really sorry,' says the woman who teed off.
'Please allow me to help you
I am a physical therapist and I can ease the pain if you'd allow me.'
'Oooh - ahhh - oooooh!' screams the man,
writhing around on the ground
his hands still firmly entrenched between his legs.
'I'll be all right in a couple of minutes'
Persistent the woman pins him down and unbuckles his belt.
Then she loosens his trousers, slips her hand inside and massages his groin.
'How does that feel?' the woman asks.
'It feels absolutely great,' says the man, smiling,
'but my thumb still hurts like hell!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/1/2007
BLONDE JOKE
Q. Why can't a Blonde dial 911?
A. She can't find the eleven.
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