 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DUMB GUYholds out his hand, and says to the bartender, "Look what I almost stepped in..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DUMB GUYHe says, "You're flat and you're tight." She says, "Get off my back." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LIMERICKWho had a magnificent ass: Not pretty and pink, As you probably think..... It was grey, had long ears and ate grass. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEThis beautiful Blonde had gotten herself named as a co-respondent in a divorce case. "So Miss Jones..... you admit that you went to a hotel with this man." "Yes, but I couldn't help it.....he deceived me. He told the clerk at the front desk that I was his wife." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE DOCTORS OFFICE"Doctor, you've got to help me...... I'm sure I'm losing my mind..... I can't remember anything...... not what happened a year ago..... or even what happened yesterday..... I must be going crazy." Doctor, "How long have you had this problem?" The man looked puzzled...... "What problem" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Traveling Salesmanand invited her to his room. As she was undressing, he said, "Say, how old are you?" "Thirteen" "Thirteen? Oh My God! Get those clothes back on and get out of here." As she was leaving, she said, "What's the problem, Superstitious?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEThe Brunette looks in the corner and says, "That looks like a semen stain." The Redhead bends over and touches it and says, "It feels like semen, too." The Blonde reaches down, touches it, and then tastes it. She says, "It tastes like semen, but it's not from any of the guys in this office." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A SALESMAN IN SIN CITYHe is talking to a pretty woman for about a half hour when he realizes she is a hooker. "I'll give you $200 for a painful terrible bj," he says. "Honey," she replies, "for $200 I'll give you the bj of a lifetime!" "You don't understand," he says, "I'm not horny, just homesick." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The DrunkThe bartender asked what was wrong. "I did a terrible thing tonight,....... I sold my wife to a guy for a bottle of scotch" That's terrible, don't you want her back? Oh yes I do.... You still love her, don't you...... No, no, said the drunk, "I wish I had her back because...... I'm thirsty again" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ REJECTED HALLMARK CARDWhat do you say we call it quits?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSSo here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSDid you ever find out who the father was?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSAlmost Lifelike!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSbut not to you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSAfter having met you, I've changed my mind." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSand there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you a bunch, and think of you often." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CLASSROOM"I will grant you absolute wealth or absolute knowledge." The professor says, "Absolute knowledge." The angel disappears, and the professor is speechless for a couple of minutes. Then one of the students says, "So, professor, what are you thinking?" The professor says, "I should have taken the money." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SUNDAY SCHOOLright and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?" A little girl raised her hand, and said, "You'd be his wife." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DIETICIAN'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us knows the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' A 75 yearold couple in the front row stood up and said, ' Wedding cake.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSthat you're not here to ruin it for me." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSToo bad no one likes your wife." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSyou always said you'd die for me......... Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSI can't help but wonder:............. What was I thinking?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSI think of all that you've given me..... Like the need for 10 years of therapy..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDShave such an ugly baby?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSSo we're having you put to sleep." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSI never believed in Hell until I met you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & AA: A Mechanic. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PERFECT DAY8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses. 8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday. 8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants. 9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil. 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer. 10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out. 12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe. 12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs. 13:00 Shopping with friends. 14:00 Nap. 16:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer. 16:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage. 17:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror. 19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing. 22:00 Hot shower. Alone. 22:30 Make love. 23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling. 23:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms. Perfect Day for a Man 6:00 Alarm. 6:15 B.J. 6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section of USA Today. 7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee. 7:30 Limo arrives. 7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport. 8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club. 9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par. 11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens. 12:15 B.J. 12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par. 14:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis. 14:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap. 15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew. 16:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1249 lbs. 17:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked Kathy Ireland. 19:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Bush resigns. 19:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 0z. New York strip. 21:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar. 22:00 Have sex with twin 21 year-old nymphomaniacs. 23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi. 23:45 Go to bed. 23:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room. 23:55 Laugh yourself to sleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE GUYHe rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's wrong?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4- year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. "You bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
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