 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ OLD FOLKSThey've got one meal, and an extra cup. He watches the old guy divide the hamburger in half, then count out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each of them had half. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and put it in front of his wife. Then the old man began to eat, as his wife sat watching. The young guy says, "Can I buy you folks a second meal?" The old guy says, "Oh, no. We've been married for fifty years, and everything we have has always been shared fifty-fifty." The young guy says to the wife, "Are you going to eat?" She says, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LOVERS LANEJust as things are really getting hot, she stops him and says, "I should have said something sooner, but I'm a hooker and I charge twenty dollars for sex." The guy pays her and they get back to business. After they finish, the guy sits back in the driver's seat and stares out the window. The girl says, "Why aren't we going anywhere?" He says, "I should have said something sooner, but I'm a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is twenty-five bucks." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSI would like you to take this knife out of my back..... You'll probably need it again." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More...REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSI never knew what evil was before this!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ REJECTED HALLMARK CARDSIt's almost like you're here." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. & A.A. Forget it once. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE HONEYMOON"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?" So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some laundry?" "No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SUNDAY GOLFHe was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again. "9.30 Sunday okay?" George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late, Wait for me." The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them. They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me." The next Sunday there was George, punctual on the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again "Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" One of the foursome asked. George said, "Sure if I'm ten minutes late..." Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute... You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you're always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed." George said, "Well, that's true - I'm superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed." "What if she's lying on her back?" George said, "That's when I'm ten minutes late!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PLAYING HOUSE"Hey, Tommy, want to play house?" He says, "Sure. What do I have to do?" She says, "I want you to communicate your feelings." He says, "I have no idea what that means." She says, "Perfect. You can be the husband." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. & A.A. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FROGHe is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3-wood and, Boom! Hole-in-one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BREAKFAST"Look at this. Another beautiful actress is gonna marry a football player who's a total dope. I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives." His wife says, "Thank you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUNKThe cop says, "Did you know that a few intersections back your wife fell out of the car?" The drunk says, "That's great news. For a minute, I thought I'd gone deaf." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BABYof her friend, "what an extraordinary baby! Blue eyes, but slant-eyed, curly hair, but blonde, and olive skin...... I've never seen anything like it!" "Well, yeah" says her friend, "actually, he's the result of a group sex evening... Honestly, I'm so happy he doesn't bark!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARHe walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally got up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" (Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEA: She was run over by the zamboni machine. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ZOOA gorilla breaks out of his cage, grabs Sylvia, throws her down, rips off all her clothes, and has animal pounding sex with her. The zookeeper pulls the gorilla off, and takes poor Sylvia to the hospital. A few days later, Mindi goes to visit her. She says, "So how you are feeling, Sylvia?" Sylvia says, "So how should I feel? He doesn't call, he doesn't write..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & AA. They're too bitter. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICE"I can't sleep, but I can't take pills, either." The doctor says, "No problem. Here's a suppository with a sleeping pill in it." The next day the doctor calls the guy and says, "Did it work?" The guy says, "It worked too well, I woke up with my finger in my ass." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CHRISTMAS PRESENTThe parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior". Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him..... when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ QUESTIONS ABOUT EVEAdam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful? God: So you would always want to look at her. Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft? God: So you would always want to touch her. Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good? God: So you would always want to be near her. Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid? God: Sadly it was necessary, so that she would love you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARHe walked up to her and said 'Can I buy you a drink?' She replied 'Yes you may, but you won't get to first base with me.' 'And why not?' replied the guy. 'Because I'm a lesbian.' she replied. 'Oh, so you're from Lebanon.' 'You don't know what a lesbian is, do you?' 'No, I can't say I do.' replied the guy. 'Let me try to explain.' said the blonde. 'You see that girl at the end of the bar? Well, I would like to make passionate love to her, and kiss her all over all night long.' She looked aside and saw the guy with his head down sobbing uncontrollably. 'What's the matter with you?!' The guy slowly looked up at her and said 'My GOD... I think I'm a lesbian, too!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AT THE DENTISTThe Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is. The wife turns to her husband and says.... "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MOLE FAMILYOne beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEA: A deaf and dumb Blonde nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARThey get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. Afterwards, the girl says, "You must be a very good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Yes, I am, how did you figure that out?" She replies, "I didn't feel a thing!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ JOE & JOHNJoe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." "Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off.... was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARand asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet, since he had no arms... The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and.... wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms.... and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?" The bartender quickly replies, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEThe brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord, and nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The Blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LIMERICKWhose virtue was largely a myth, "Try as hard as I can, I can't find a man, That it's fun to be virtuous with." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NASTY COP JOKEFinally, the policeman says: "O.K. I'll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I'll forget about the ticket!" "Go ahead!", answers the speeder. "You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you. What is it?" "That's easy! It's a car!" "Sure! But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a VW?", replies the policeman, and proceeds to write the ticket. "Wait! Give me another chance!", begs the guy. "Ok. But,this is your last chance! You fail to answer - you get the ticket!" "Fair enough" . "You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?" "That's easy! It's a motorcycle!" "Sure! But, what kind of motorcycle? Is it a Honda? Is it a Suzuki? Is it a Harley? Sorry, you're getting the ticket!" "Yeah, ok.. but let me ask you a question too!" "Go ahead", answers the policeman. "You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curb, bargaining with clients, what is it?" asks the guy. "Oh, that's a hooker!" replies the policeman. "Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your sister? Is it your daughter?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
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