 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/29/2008
EVEN MORE....YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN:
1. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
2. Your eyes won't get much worse.
3. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
4. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than....
the national weather service.
5. Your secrets are safe with your friends because....
they can't remember them either.
6. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
7. You can't remember where you saw this list .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/28/2008
MORE....YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN:
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/27/2008
THE GENIE
A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the
third hole which was lined with beautiful homes.
The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice.
Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window.
Much to their dismay, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it
into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened.
When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there.
The husband called out and no one answered.
Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch
with a turban on his head.
The wife said, 'Do you live here?'
'No, someone just hit a ball through the window.......
knocked over the bottle you see there and freed me....
for that little bottle was my prison.
I am so grateful,' he answered.
The wife said, 'Are you a genie?'
'Oh, why yes I am.
In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes;
the third I will keep for myself,' the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes:
The First was for a scratch handicap for the husband....
to which the wife readily agreed.
The Second was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded and said , 'Done!'
The genie now said,
'For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife.
I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all....
I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire.'
The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife,
'How long have you been married?'....
She responded, 'Three years.'
The genie then asked,
'How old is you husband?'....
to which she responded, '31 years old.'
The genie then asked,
'How long has he believed in this genie crap?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/26/2008
OLD FOLKS PRAYER
God grant me....
The senility to forget the people I never liked....
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do....
And the eyesight to tell the difference."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/25/2008
THE RABBI
A man goes to see his Rabbi.
'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads,
'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her,
I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,
'Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?'
The man anxiously says, 'Yes.'
'Take the poison!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/24/2008
LAWYER JOKE
Q. How can you tell if a lawyer is well-hung?
A. You can't get your finger between his neck and the rope.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/23/2008
CANDY
Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy
in his mouth.
An old lady came over and said.
"Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth,
give you acne, and make you sick?"
"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.
"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.
"No, said Johnny, but he minded his own damned business."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/22/2008
THE ELEVATOR
A beautiful young woman gets into the elevator, smelling like
expensive perfume.
She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly,
"Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of
very expensive perfume.
She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says,
"Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and
is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around,
bends over, farts and says,
"Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/21/2008
The Cowboy and His Horse!
A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of Indians.
The Indians were all prepared to kill him when the chief announced
that due to the celebration of the Great Spirit,
they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he would die.
"What do you want for your first wish?" asks the chief.
I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy.
He goes over to his horse and whispers in its ear.
The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed.
About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked girl on its back.
Well, the Indians are very impressed,
so they let the cowboy and the girl use one of their teepees.
A little while later, the cowboy comes out of the teepee,
tucking in his shirt.
"What do you want for your second wish?" says the chief.
"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy.
Again, the cowboy whispers in the horses ear.
The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed.
About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked girl on its back.
Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed.
So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees.
The cowboy stumbles out a little while later,
and the chief asks the cowboy
"What do you want for your last wish?"
"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy.
He grabs the horse by the ears and yells,
"You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/20/2008
LINGERIE
A husband was shopping with his wife when she decided to buy something
for their daughter-in-law at an exclusive lingerie shop.
Inside, the husband was feeling very out of place when a beautiful clerk
asked if she could help him.
In a cocky manner, he asked,
"Where are all the men's clothes?"
In a demure voice the clerk replied,
"All of these clothes are for men, sir."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/19/2008
MORE.... STUPID SIGNS:
Sign in London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.
In a laundry, on each washing machine:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
Outside the newest Las Vegas nite spot:
"HOT HOT HOT" IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE NIGHTCLUB IN LAS VEGAS....
EVERYONE WELCOME.
In a cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS.....
WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
In a London office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND......
STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE BY THIS DOOR.
(This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use the side door)
Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE:
$1 PER PRE-PACKED 4lb.BAG or
DO-IT-YOURSELF .25 CENTS per-pound .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/18/2008
STUPID SIGNS:
In a hotel during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
WE OFFER DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
In a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT BE AWARE THAT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(Please knock hard on the door the bell doesn't work)
In a Dry Cleaner's window:
LADIES.....
PLEASE DROP OFF YOUR CLOTHES.......
AND YOU WILL RECEIVE IMMEDIATE ATTENTION!
In an office building washroom:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
Outside a Tattoo Shop:
OUT TO LUNCH;
(If not back by five, Please come back Tomorrow).
In a health food shop:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
In a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/17/2008
MORE....YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN:
You answer a question with "Because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/16/2008
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN:
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"
You have a dream about prunes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/15/2008
THE ACCOUNTANT
An accountant leaves a letter for his wife on a Friday night that says,
"Dear Wife,
I am fifty-four, and by the time you read this I'll be at the Grand Hotel
with my sexy eighteen year old secretary."
When he gets to the hotel, there's a telegram waiting for him that says,
"Dear Husband, I'm fifty-four, too, and by the time you read this,
I'll be at the Breakwater Hotel with luscious eighteen year old boyfriend.
And I don't have to explain to you, an accountant,
that eighteen goes into fifty-four a lot more times than
fifty-four goes into eighteen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/14/2008
THE DUMB GUY
Q. Did you hear about the dumb guy whose wife had triplets?
A. He went looking for the other two guys.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/13/2008
THE DOCTORS OFFICE
It was horrible rainy day.
A lady midget walks into the doctor's office and says,
"Doc, every time it rains, I get this terrible pain in my crotch."
He says, "Leap up on the table."
In just a moment he says,
"Okay, leap down."
She says,
"Doc, I feel great. What'd you do?"
He says,
"I cut two inches off the tops of your galoshes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/12/2008
GOLF
Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman runs across
the fairway and into the woods.
Two men in white coats and another guy carrying a two buckets of sand
are chasing her,
and a little old man is bringing up the rear.
One of the golfers grabs the old man and says,
"What the hell is going on?"
The old guy says,
"She's a nymphomaniac from an asylum,
she keeps trying to escape,
and us attendants are trying to catch her."
The golfer says,
"What about the guy with the buckets of sand?"
The old guy says,
"He caught her last time,
That's his handicap".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/11/2008
THREE LEGGED CHICKEN
A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken
running down the road.
He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he
noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.
Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run.
So he sped up and the chicken did too!
They were now moving along the road at 45 mph!
The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running
ahead of him at 60 mph!!!
Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway
leading to a farmhouse.
The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard with
dozens of three legged chickens.
The man in the car called out to the farmer
"How did you get all these three legged chickens?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em.
Ya see, it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg.
Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety
so we could all eat our favorite piece."
"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"
"Don't rightly know,
I ain't caught one yet!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/10/2008
THE PRIEST
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road.
He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a sexy leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and said,
"Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized.
He removed his hand, but he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on down the road, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said,
"Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized.
"I am sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest opened a bible and looked up psalm 129.
It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/9/2008
NAME THAT ANIMAL
Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked,
"What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good! Now what animal is this?"
she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent.
After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,
"It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/8/2008
BLONDE JOKE
Two Blondes went to the country market.
While they were there, they each bought a horse.
When they got home, they discussed how to tell their horses apart.
They decided to cut the tail off of one.
That worked for a while, but soon the tail grew back,
so they decided that they would tie a red bow around one of the horses' necks.
One of the Blondes said,
"Which of the horses should we put the red bow on,
the brown one or the white one?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/7/2008
MORE......COMMENTS MADE IN THE YEAR 1955:
1. "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.
They are even making electric typewriters now."
2. "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day....
when the Government takes half our income in taxes.
I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
3. "There is no sense going to New York City for a weekend anymore,
it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."
4. "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 8 cents,
just to mail a letter?"
5. "If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00,
nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
6. "Who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon.
Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
7. "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."
8. "No one can afford to be sick anymore.....
at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood."
9. "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon.
They even have some guys they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/6/2008
COMMENTS MADE IN THE YEAR 1955:
1. "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are,
it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.
"
2. "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?
It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one."
3. "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit.
A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
4. "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone.....
to watch their kids so they can both work."
5. "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more,
those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
6. "I'm afraid that the Volkswagen is going to open the
door to a whole lot of foreign businesses."
7. "Kids today are impossible.....
Next thing you know....
the boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
8. "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.....
Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND,
it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it."
9. "Did you see where a baseball player just signed a contract for....
$75,000 a year just to play ball?
It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/5/2008
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS-MEN
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT'-
He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER'-
He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME'-
He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING'-
He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS'-
He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants-
It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/4/2008
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS-WOMEN
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK'-
She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not 'EASY'-
She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE'-
She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND'-
She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
5. She does not 'NAG' you-
She is 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER'-
She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'
(NOTE: Don't be upset ladies, Tomorrow is "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS - MEN")
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/3/2008
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as
'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/2/2008
THE BARBER SHOP
A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up,
he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
"Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest
shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech,
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber.
"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 2/1/2008
YARD WORK
A husband and wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work.
The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over,
weeding flowers from the flower bed.
The man says to his wife,
"Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill."
She ignored the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill,
then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps,
"Geez, your butt really IS as wide as the grill!"
She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky.
The wife calmly responds,
"If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener,
you are sadly mistaken."
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