 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/31/2008
GOOD REASONS FOR WOMEN TO SAY NO!
For those who already have children past age 10, this is hilarious.
For those who have children nearing age 10, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot
house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough
to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape......
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit.
NOTE: A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man
says they can only do it in the movies.
10. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
11. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
12. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
13. Super glue is forever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/30/2008
Women Seeking Men
.............................SWF Looking for Man:.................
Don't call me if you are uneducated; unemployed; married;
still live with your mother; use drugs; smoker; have STD's; felon;
under 5'10"; over 40 years old; over 6'8"; over 230 pounds; love cats;
attend Star Trek conventions; under 30 years old; love channel surfing;
make less than $80,000 annually; or have body parts pierced.
Others feel free.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/29/2008
NYC GUY
A quiet little man was brought before a judge.
The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then
down at the little man in amazement.
"Can you tell me in your own words what happened?"
he asked the man.
"I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof."
said the little man.
"Yes, go on," said the astounded judge.
"Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted
and went to take them out.
I got in line to check them out and they told me my library card had expired and...
I had to get a new one.
So I went to the registration office and got in another line.....
to get the forms requesting a new card.
I filled out my forms for another card.
And got back in another line for my card."
"And?" said the judge.
"And the man at the counter asked,
'Can you prove you're from New York City?'
So I stabbed him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/28/2008
GOOD OL' BOYS IN TEXAS
Thanks to Ben & Melinda in Dallas
Two good ol' boys in an East Texas trailer park
were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the first guy says to the second,
"If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday night & make love
to your wife while you was off a hunt'in, and she got pregnant,
and had a baby, would that make us kin?'
The second guy cocked his head sideways for a minute,
scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard.
Finally, he says, 'Well, I don't know about kin,
but it sure would make us even!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/27/2008
HOOKERS
Q. Why do hookers have belly-button rings?
A. So you can hang an air freshener.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/26/2008
ANCIENT CHINESE PROVERBS
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/25/2008
BLONDE JOKE
Q: Why won't they hire a Blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/24/2008
HEAVEN OR HELL
While walking down the street one day a US senator is hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter.
"Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem....
We seldom see a high official up here, so we're not sure
what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator..
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.
What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.
Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends
and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress, they ran to greet him, shake his hand
and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich
at the expense of the public.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy
who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up and the door opens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls,
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and, before he realizes it,
24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven..
Now choose your eternity.
"The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:
"Well, I would never have said it before, but I think I would be better off in hell.
"So St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land....
covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator.
"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, we ate lobster
and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.
Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning....
Today you voted."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/23/2008
THE STORK
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents,
"How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent,
"the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy.
"Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!"
said the parent, by now starting to squirm a bit.
The next day, the boy handed in his paper.
The teacher read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that
there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/22/2008
ALZHEIMER RESEARCH
The Government announced today:
That over the past few years,
more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra
than was spent on Alzheimer's Disease research.
It is believed that by the year 2030,
there will be a large number of people wandering around
with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/21/2008
BLONDE ONE LINERS
Q: How can you tell if a Blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/20/2008
FORMER PRESIDENTS
Former U. S. Presidents George Bush, Bill Clinton, a spectacular looking blonde,
and a very fat lady were in a train carriage.
After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel,
and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.
When they leave the tunnel,
Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought,
'that rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand
on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.'
The fat lady thought,
'that dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.'
Bill Clinton thought,
'George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.'
George Bush thought,
'I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/19/2008
BAD NEWS
A man's wife washes away in a scuba diving mishap.
For two weeks, the Coast Guard can't find a trace.
Then one night he answers the door and is greeted by two grim-faced policemen.
The first one says,
"We're sorry to be the ones to tell you, sir, but we have some information
about your wife.
We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"
The man says, "Give me the bad news first."
The cop says,
"We found your wife's body in the bay this morning."
He says, "My God!!. What's the good news?"
The second cop says,
"When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters on her."
The man says,
"So, what's the great news?"
The first cop says,
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/18/2008
THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO A NAKED WOMAN
1. Are those real?
2. Would you like to borrow my razor?
3. I would really enjoy you putting your ankles behind your neck.
4. Care to taste my Italian Sausage?
5. Let's play choo-choo train.....
I'll be the train and you be the tunnel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/17/2008
LAWYER JOKE
There were these three professionals sitting around talking
about the oldest profession.
The Doctor says,
"Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman.
Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine."
The Engineer shakes his head and replies,
"No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos.
To do that, God must surely have been an engineer.
Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession."
The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward.
"Ah," he says,
"but who do you think created the Chaos?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/16/2008
PILOTS
Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms.
Both are wearing dark glasses.
One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way
up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit,
the door closes, and the engines start.
The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is
just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows
realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow
into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin.
But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says,
'You know, Bob, one of these days,
they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/15/2008
Q & A
Q. Why was the Blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A. She found out that Big Ben is just a clock.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/14/2008
Q & A
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/13/2008
Q & A
Q. Why did God create man before woman?
A. Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before
creating your masterpiece.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/12/2008
BLONDE JOKE
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage.
A Blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked,
"What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied,
"You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine,
I have lost it and need a new one.."
She said that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece
had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to
draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked
"is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said,
"Of course, its right there."
If your not sure what a 710 is...........
Turn the 710 upside down......
It now say's...... OIL!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/11/2008
LIMERICK
The was a man named Sir Lancelot
Who went to parties and danced a lot
When making a pass at a young pretty lass
The front of his pants would advance a lot!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/10/2008
BLONDE JOKES & ONE LINERS
A Blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm.
She passes a person who asks
"Where did you get that pig?"
The pig says,
"I won her in a raffle!"
A Blonde opened a box of Cheerios® and exclaimed
"LOOK!, A box of donut seeds!"
Q: How do you make a Blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
Q: What's the first thing a Blonde does in the morning?
A: She introduces herself.
Q: What did the Blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/9/2008
Q. & A.
Q: Whats the difference between a guy looking for a golf ball and......
a guy looking for the G-Spot?
A: He'll look all day for the golf ball.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/8/2008
APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
(Note: This application will be considered incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history,
lineage, and current medical report from your physician.)
1. What is your name, age, social security number, IQ
and boy scout rank? ____________________
2. Do you have one male and one female parent? _________
If "No", explain:________________
3. Do you own or have access to a van? ____
4. A truck with oversize tires? ____
5. A waterbed? ____
6. Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring or
is any part of your body pierced ? _______
7. Do you have a tattoo? ____
*If you have answered YES to #3, #4, #5, #6, or #7, discontinue application
and leave immediately.*
8. In fifty words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_____
9. In fifty words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?____
10. In fifty words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?______
11. In fifty words or less, what does REAL PAIN mean to you?______
12. Church/Temple you attend: ____________________________
13. How often do you attend: ____________________________
14. When would be the best time to interview your mother,
father and priest/rabbi? ____________________________
15. Please fill in the blanks:
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded
would be my ____________________________
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be
my ____________________________
A woman's place is in the ____________________________
The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask
is ____________________________
When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her
first is ____________________________
*Note: If answer to last question begins with "T" or "A",
discontinue application and leave premises
keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised*
What do you want to be IF you grow up?__________
I swear that all the above information is correct to the best
of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm,
dismemberment, torture and or mental abuse.
Signature of applicant _________________________________
Signature of father _____________________________________
Signature of mother ____________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi ___________________________________
Signature of State Representative _________________________
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow 4-6 years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if approved.
If denied, you are not permitted to apply again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/7/2008
THE WEDDING
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the couples families
had a storming fight and begin wrecking the reception hall
and generally kicking the crap out of each other.
The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court.
The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm
with the use of his gavel,
shouting "Silence in Court."
The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says,
"Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and
I think I should explain what happened."
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.
Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional
in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.
The judge says "OK."
"Well", said Paddy,
"After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going,
so I continued dancing to the second song......
and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song..
when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table,
ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."
The Judge instantly responded...
"Wow.. that must have hurt!"
Paddy replies "HURT!..
He broke three of my fingers!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/6/2008
Q. & A.
Q. Did you hear about the 97 year old man who attempted to molest a 19 year old Hollywood Starlet?
A. He was charged with "Assault with a dead weapon".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/5/2008
Q. & A.
Q. Do you know why eating oysters will improve a man's sex life?
A. Because a women knows, if he'll eat one of those things, he'll eat anything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/4/2008
VIAGRA NEWS
Today the Food and Drug Administration has finally released the
ingredients in Viagra.
2% aspirin
2% ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
95% Fix-A-Flat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/3/2008
RYE BREAD
Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other
about his sex life.
The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active.
The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age
so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.
"Well," answered the man,
"I eat rye bread everyday.
That is my secret.
If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."
The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby.
He tells the baker that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock...
...The baker then asks the man,
"do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?"
The man looks puzzled and asks the baker,
"what is the difference?"
The baker responds,
"Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."
To which the man responded,
"How come everyone knew about this but me......?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/2/2008
BLONDE JOKE
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a Blonde?
A: The prostitute says,
"Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says,
"Are you done already?"
The Blonde says,
"Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 3/1/2008
BLONDE ONE LINERS
Q: How do you know when a Blonde has been making chocolate
chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: How do you get a one-armed Blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: Do you know why the Blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: She kept throwing out all the "W"s
Q: What is the Blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly
over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why did the Blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for two hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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