 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HEF
HAPPY 82nd BIRTHDAY
Wednesday April 9th
NEW Added on 4/30/2008
THE COW
A small village in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk.
The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from
Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles.
So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow:
had a wonderful disposition,
and gave lots of milk and lots of cream.
Everybody loved it dearly.
The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it,
and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture.
When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow,
the cow moved to the left.
When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left,
the cow moved to the right.
This went on all day.
Finally, in desperation,
the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do.
After all he was very wise.
They told him the story:
"Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow.
When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and
when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right.
What do we do?"
The Rabbi thought a moment and asked,
"Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"Rabbi!" they replied as one,
"You are so wise!
We never said we bought the cow from Minsk.
How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said, sadly,
"My wife is from Minsk."
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NEW Added on 4/29/2008
TRIBUTE TO RODNEY DANGERFIELD
"I DON'T GET NO RESPECT!
It's tough to stay married.
My wife kisses the dog on the lips, but she won't drink from my glass!
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen....
the roaches hang themselves.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
Last night my wife met me at the front door.
She was wearing a sexy negligee.........
The only trouble was, she was coming home.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex;
she called me from Chicago last night.
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NEW Added on 4/28/2008
AT THE VET'S
There are three Labrador retrievers sitting in the waiting room at the vet's,
a black lab, a brown lab and a yellow lab.
The black lab turns to the brown lab and says,
"Why are you here?"
The brown lab says,
"I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.
I pissed on my owners sofa, their carpets, their drapes,
but the last straw was when I pissed in the middle of their bed."
The black lab says,
"What is the vet going to do to you?"
And the brown lab says, sadly,
"Lethal injection."
Then the brown lab asks the black,
"Why are you here?"
The black lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences,
I dig up the flowers, the bushes.
When I'm inside,
I dig up the carpets but the last straw was when I dug a big hole in my owner's sofa."
The brown lab says,
"What's the vet going to do to you?"
And the black lab says sadly,
"Lethal injection."
Then the black and brown labs turn to the yellow lab and ask,
"Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, "I'm a humper.
I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, the dining room table, a fire hydrant.
Whatever I see, I want to hump.
Last week, my owner had taken a shower and was drying her toes and I couldn't help it,
I just hopped on her back and humped her."
The black lab says,
"So you're here for a lethal injection, too?"
"No, I'm getting my nails clipped."
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NEW Added on 4/27/2008
THE QUICK MARRIAGE
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married.
They went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
While they were lying by the pool one morning, he climbed the ten- meter board,
and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, followed by three rotations in
the jackknife position.
When he straightened out, he cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion.
You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.
After about thirty laps, she climbed back out and laid down on her towel,
hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible!
Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said,
"I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
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NEW Added on 4/26/2008
TRIBUTE TO RODNEY DANGERFIELD
"I DON'T GET NO RESPECT!
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger.
That's when you put a bag over your head in case....
the bag over her head comes off.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy,
I wouldn't of had anything to play with.
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NEW Added on 4/25/2008
BLONDE JOKE
Q: How does the Blonde turn on the light after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
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NEW Added on 4/24/2008
THE GENIE
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up
out of his ashtray.
'And what will your third wish be?'
The man looked at the genie and said, 'Huh?
How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?'
'You have had two wishes already,' the genie said,
'but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was
before you made your first wish.
Thus, you remember nothing,
because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes.
You now have one wish left.'
'Okay,' said the man,
'I don't believe this, but what the heck.
I've always wanted to understand women.
I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads.'
'Funny,' said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever,
'That was your first wish, too!'
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NEW Added on 4/23/2008
TRIBUTE TO RODNEY DANGERFIELD
"I DON'T GET NO RESPECT!
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home."
I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
I know I'm not sexy.
When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
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NEW Added on 4/22/2008
IN THE BAR
An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands.
Jill, the barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent.
Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit.
At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him.
Although she is attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed.
Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again
after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if
she will sleep with him again for $200.
She figures why not - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.
This goes on for 5 nights.
On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar.
But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner.
The girl is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention.
She goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him what part of Australia he's from and he tells her Melbourne.
'So am I,' she says.
'What suburb in Melbourne?'
'Glen Iris,' he says.
'That's amazing,' she says, 'so am I - what street?'
'Cameo Street,' he says.
'This is unbelievable,' she says, 'what number?'
He says 'Number 20' and she is astonished.
'You are not going to believe this,' she says,
'I'm from number 22 - my parents still live there!'
'I know,' he says
'your father gave me $1,000 to give you.'
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NEW Added on 4/21/2008
The Marriage Counselor
After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be,
the marriage counselor suggested they vary their position.
'For example,' he suggested, 'you might try the wheelbarrow.
Lift her legs from behind and off you go.'
The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.
'Well, okay,' the hesitant wife agreed, 'but on two conditions.
First, if it hurts you have to stop right away,
and second...' she continued,
'you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house.'
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NEW Added on 4/20/2008
TRIBUTE TO RODNEY DANGERFIELD
"I DON'T GET NO RESPECT!
I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"
She said, "No, I hate myself now."
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.
Last night she used me to time an egg.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked.
I asked him, "Why?"
He said, "Because you came home early."
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NEW Added on 4/19/2008
WARNING SIGN
Sign seen in a new fancy Las Vegas suburb:
~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING ~~~~~~~~~
TRESPASSERS
WILL BE
VIOLATED!
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NEW Added on 4/18/2008
Q & A
Q. WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet.
But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
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NEW Added on 4/17/2008
Q & A
Q: Why do girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
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NEW Added on 4/16/2008
BLONDE JOKE
Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb Blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a liquor store.
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NEW Added on 4/15/2008
LIMERICK
Said a swinging young lady named Lyth,
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
"Try as hard as I can,
I can't find a man,
That it's fun to be virtuous with."
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NEW Added on 4/14/2008
LAWYER STORY!!
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client.
He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory
title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.
The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months
to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.
(actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application,
we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title.
While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented
the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title
to the proposed collateral property back to 1803.
Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title
back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
(actual letter)
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received.
I note that you wish to have the title extended further than the 194 years
covered by the present application.
I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working
in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased,
by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats,
the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France,
which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.
The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery
made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus,
who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India
by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.
The good queen Isabella,
being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA,
took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels
to finance Columbus' expedition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know,
is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God; and God,
it is commonly accepted, created this world.
Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part
of the world called Louisiana.
God, therefore, would be the owner of origin,
and His origins date back to before the beginning of time,
the world as we know it, AND the FHA.
I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our damned loan?"
.............The loan was approved.
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NEW Added on 4/13/2008
THE VACATION
Bob says to Lester,
"You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year
I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go.
Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant.
Last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas,
and Marie got pregnant again."
Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."
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NEW Added on 4/12/2008
THE PILL
Doc, you've gotta help me, my wife isn't interested in sex anymore.
Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe..."
"My life is going to Hell! You've got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this.
These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful.
Don't give her more than ONE, understand? JUST one."
"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay."
That evening after dinner, he pulls the pills from his pocket and
drops one into his wife's coffee, then drops in a second pill.
And then he begins to worry.
The doctor did say they were powerful.
Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee.
His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.
Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little.
She sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes.
In a deep, throaty, near-whisper,
in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says,
"I... need...a man..."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies,
"Me... too.."
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NEW Added on 4/11/2008
THE TRAIN
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl.
The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young girl proposes,
"If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my sexy legs."
The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says,
"If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00,
I'll show you my beautiful thighs,"
Men being men, all pull out a ten dollar bill.
The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men are a bit excited.
Then the young girl says,
"If you each give me $100......
I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money.
The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing.
"See there in the distance.
That's the hospital where I had it done!"
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NEW Added on 4/10/2008
THE JUDGE
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
April 9, 2008
HAPPY 82nd BIRTHDAY
HEF
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NEW Added on 4/8/2008
THE DENTIST OFFICE
A husband and wife entered the dentist's office.
The husband said,
"I want a tooth pulled.
I don't want novocaine or gas because I'm in a terrible hurry.
Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave man," said the dentist.
"Now, show me which tooth it is."
The husband turns to his wife and says,
"Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is."
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NEW Added on 4/7/2008
ONE NIGHT STANDS
A very rude guy, obviously drinking much too much at the local bar said......
What's the deal with sex these days?
Nobody wants to cuddle.
They just want to get paid and get out of the car......
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NEW Added on 4/6/2008
DUMB GUY
Q. How can you tell the Dumb Guy guy at the airport?
A. He's the one throwing bread to the planes.
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NEW Added on 4/5/2008
DEATHBED CONFESSION
John was on his deathbed.
His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
'My darling Susan,' he whispered.
'Hush, my love,' she said. 'Rest. Shhh. Don't talk.'
He was insistent.
'Susan,' he said in his tired voice.
'I have something I must confess to you.'
'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Susan.
'Everything's all right, go to sleep.'
'No, no. I must die in peace, Susan.
I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother.'
'I know,' she replied.
'That's why I poisoned you.'
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NEW Added on 4/4/2008
COMPUTERS HAVE GENDER?
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns,
unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated
as masculine or feminine.
Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil', she described, would have a gender
association although in English these words were neutral.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked,
'What gender is a computer?'
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups
and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine.
One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men.
Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to
in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you decide on one, you realize that,
if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to
in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you decide on one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
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NEW Added on 4/3/2008
QUICK COMBACK
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says,
"Would you like to dance?"
The girl says,
"I don't like this song........
but even if I did.........
I wouldn't dance with you."
The guy says,
"I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me.......
I said you look fat in those pants.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 4/2/2008
BLONDE JOKE
Q. What goes " vroom-screech-vroom-screch-vroom-screech... "
A. A Blonde at a flashing red light.
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NEW Added on 4/1/2008
BLONDE JOKE
At a pharmacy, a Blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby
she held in her arms.
The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said
that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby
together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting
the second amount from the first.
"That won't work," countered the Blonde.
"I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."
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