 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/31/2008
THE BARBER SHOP
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,
"How long before I can
get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,
"About two hours." The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop
and said,
"About three hours." The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
"How long
before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said,
"About an hour and a half." The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor.
Follow
that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for
a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes from laughter and said, "Your house".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/30/2008
BLONDE JOKE
Q: What did the Blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/29/2008
NOAH AND THE ARK
In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah,
who was now living in the
United States, and said,
'Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me'.
'Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans'.
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the
Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard
- but no Ark.
'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'
'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed.
I needed
a building permit.
I've been arguing with the inspector about the need
for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding
the height limitations.
We had to go to the Development Appeal Board
for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for
the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions,
to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
I told them that
the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it'.
'Noah continued, getting the wood was another problem.
There's a ban
on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to
convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to SAVE the owls
- but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd
conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building
crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of
most of the people who want to work.
The trade unions say I can't use my sons.
They insist I have to hire
only union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to
finish this Ark.'
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow
stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
'You
mean you're not going to destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord.
'The government beat me to it.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/28/2008
BLONDE JOKE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The very Blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said
'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered,
'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/27/2008
BLONDE JOKE
A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the Blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The Blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/26/2008
THE VACATION
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica.
They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such....
when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a
Jamaican accent say,
'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!'
So they walked in, and the Jamaican said,
'I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in...
Dey make you wild at sex.
'The wife got really interested in buying the sandals,
but the husband felt he really didn't need them.
The husband asked the shopkeeper,
'How could sandals make you into a sexfreak?
'The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.
You doan haff to do nutting cept try dem on.
'So the husband, after some badgering from his wife,
finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes.
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican,
bent him violently over a table,
yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants,
and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming,
'You got dem on da wrong feet! Mon....
you got dem on da wrong feet!'...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/25/2008
THE CIRCUS
A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus.
The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother,
"What's that?"
"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."
The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.
His father looks and says,
"That's the elephant's penis, son."
"So, why did mom say it was nothing?" asks the boy.
The father draws himself up to his full height and says,
"Son, I've spoiled that woman."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/24/2008
MEDICINE MAN
Al is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform
sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but
nothing seems to work.
So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and
there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful medicine.
You can only use it once a year.
All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
Al asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234,
and it will go down.
But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"
Al rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.
That night he is ready to surprise Donna.
He showers, shaves, and puts on his most
exotic shaving lotion.
He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ...
just as
the medicine man had promised.
Donna, who had been facing away, turns over and asks,
"What did you say 123 for?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/23/2008
THE SILVER ANNIVERSARY
During their Silver Anniversary, a wife reminded her husband:
Do you remember when you proposed to me,
I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
The hubby replied:
"Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/22/2008
GUNS vs WOMEN
(Thanks to Ben in Dallas)
TOP TEN COMPARISONS
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so,
he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask, 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason...
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/21/2008
GRANDMA
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said,
"I'm so happy to see you grandma.
Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious.
"What trick is that my dear, "she asked.
The little boy replied,
"I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls
if you came to visit us again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/20/2008
TOP 10 LIST
COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG TITLES.
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I Woke Up With a Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song title is......
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night, That Were On My Dingus This Morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/19/2008
BLONDE JOKE
Two Blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,
'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second Blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first Blonde hands her the compact.
The second Blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/18/2008
REDNECK JOKES Part 2
"You know you're a redneck when......
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 75.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/17/2008
REDNECK JOKES Part 1
"You know you're a redneck when......
01. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
02. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
03. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
04. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
05. You think "The Nutcracker" is a vice on the work bench .
06. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
07. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
08. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
09. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/16/2008
MEDICAL STUDENTS
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend:
"I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome - those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so.
The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome, he walks just like we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached the old man and one of the students said to him:
"We're medical students and couldn't ignore the way you walk,
but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you but first you'll tell me what you think."
Then one of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
And the old man said: "You thought, but you're wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
And the old man said: "You thought, but you're wrong."
So they asked him: "So what do you have?"
And the old man said:
"I thought I needed to fart, but I was wrong."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/15/2008
BILL CLINTON JOKE
A Mormon was seated next to Bill Clinton on a flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
Clinton asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores.....
than let liquor touch my lips."
Clinton then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/14/2008
BLONDE JOKE
Bambi, a Blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman,
sat in her US Government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said,
'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/13/2008
THE HONEYMOON
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they
go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny , Fred's little brother,
gets up and has his
breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks
his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
"Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
"Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, go ahead... tell me what you think?"
He says: "Well, last night Fred came to my room.......
and asked me where the Vaseline was......
and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/12/2008
BLONDE JOKE
A Blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The Blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/11/2008
THE COMPLIMENT
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
"I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly.
Give me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's perfect."
He never even heard the shot....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/10/2008
Q & A
Q. What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A. Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/9/2008
NEW CORVETTE
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new
Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through his hair.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75,
pushing the pedal even more.
But looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper
behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, what am I doing? I'm too old for this.
And pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the
Corvette, looked at his watch and said,
'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've
never heard before, I'll let you go.'
The old gentleman paused then said,
'Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State-Trooper.
I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/8/2008
BLONDE JOKE
A woman walks into the doctors office and says,
'Doctor I hurt all over.'
The doctor says, 'That's impossible.'
'No really! Just look, when I touch my arm, ouch! it hurts.
When I touch my leg, ouch!, it hurts.
When I touch my head, ouch!, it hurts.
When I touch my chest, ouch!!, it really hurts,' she replies.
The doctor just shakes his head and says,
'You're a natural blonde aren't you?'
The woman smiles and says,
'Why yes I am. How did you know?'
The doctor replies,
'Because your finger is broken.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/7/2008
THE FLU BUGS
A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon.
When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule.
So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day
they would go to bed at 5:15.
In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15.
This went on for months, never missing a day until
the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.
The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three.
These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over
their survival plans.
One germ said,
"I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot.
I don't think the antibiotics will find me there".
A second exclaimed,
"I am going to hide behind her right ear.
I don't think they'll find me there."
The last germ said,
"I don't know about you guys, but when the 5:15 pulls out tonight,
I'm gonna be on it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/6/2008
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A BIRD (Thanks to Joyce in Dallas)
Until now I never fully understood how to tell the difference between Male and Female Birds.
I always thought it had to be determined surgically.
Until Now!
Which of the two Birds Is a Female???
Below are two birds. Study them closely...
See If You can spot Which of the two Is the Female.
It can be done even by one with limited bird watching skills.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/5/2008
PLEASE LORD..
A woman was driving down the street very upset because
she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, she said,
'Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place.....
I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and......
give up sex and tequila.'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
She looked up again and said,
'Lord, Never mind. I found one.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/4/2008
BLONDE JOKE
Q. How do you tell when a Blonde waitress is having a bad day?
A. There is a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/3/2008
GETTING EVEN - Part 2
Q. How do you get even with a lying cheating bitch?
A. "Live Well And Prosper!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/2/2008
ITALIAN HONEYMOON
(Thanks to Ben in Dallas)
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia......
Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, 'Hey Luigi, how wasa you treep?'
Luigi said, 'Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.
'Whata you mean, Luigi?' asked Giovanni.
'Wella, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station.
My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food She broughta vino and....
some nice cigars for me.
We were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket.
The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car.
Musta use a dining car.'
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and.....
starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say,
'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.'
So, we go to cluba car.
Whila we drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.
The conductore, he waga his finger again and say,
'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.'
We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to go "boombada" and the conductore, he walka through da hall.....
shouting at a top of his a voice 'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'
Nexta time, I'ma justa gonna taka da bus!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/1/2008
GETTING EVEN - Part 1
Q. How do you get even with a lying cheating bitch?
A. Pour a bottle of Champagne on her grave,
after passing it through your kidneys.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
Network