 
NEW Added on 6/30/2008
VERY BAD FLIGHT (Thanks to MELINDA @ Y-WaitExpress in Dallas)
CLICK HERE
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NEW Added on 6/29/2008
BLONDE Q & A's
Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.
Q: How do you tell if a bleached Blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
Q: What do you call a Blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
Q: What is the best Blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.
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NEW Added on 6/28/2008
THE MID-LIFE CRISES (Thanks to BEN in Dallas)
After being married for 44 years,
I took a careful look at my wife one day and said,
"Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment...... a cheap car.....
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 12-inch black and white TV.
But I
got to sleep every night with a hot 21 -year old babe.
Now I have a $800,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car.....
nice
big bed and plasma screen TV, but.......
I'm sleeping with a 65- year old woman.
It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 21 -year old babe
and she would make sure that I would once again.....
be living in
a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.....
and watching a 12-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great!
They really know how to solve a guy's mid-life crises.
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NEW Added on 6/27/2008
THE SNORING DOG
A couple has a dog that snores.
Annoyed because she can't sleep, the
wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and
he will stop snoring.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.
She goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red
ribbon and ties it carefully around the
dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is
amazed.
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk.
He climbs into bed,
falls asleep and begins snoring loudly,
The woman thinks maybe the
ribbon might work on him.
So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a
piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles
into the bathroom.
As he stands in front
of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached
to his privates.
He is very confused and as he walks back into the
bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,
'I don't know
where we were.. or what we did.
But, by God,
we took first and second place.
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NEW Added on 6/26/2008
NEW AIRLINE CHARGES (Thanks to MELINDA @ Y-WaitExpress in Dallas)
CLICK HERE
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NEW Added on 6/25/2008
CARTOONS
(Thanks to MELINDA @ Y-WaitExpress in Dallas)
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NEW Added on 6/24/2008
Q & A
(Thanks to Craig Ferguson, Late Late Show on CBS)
Q. What does a Scotsman have under his kilt?
A. On a good day.......... Lipstick
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NEW Added on 6/23/2008
HOW TO TEST YOUR AC
(Thanks to BEN in Dallas)
It's that time of the year again...
How to Check Your Car's Air Conditioner
1. Start the engine and roll up the windows.
2. Turn on the A/C put the fan on Hi
3. Place the tester in the car, wait 30 seconds:
Yep... It's working fine!!!
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NEW Added on 6/22/2008
HELICOPTER RIDE(Thanks to MELINDA @ Y-WaitExpress in Dallas)
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and
every year Morris would say,
'Esther,I'd like to ride in that
helicopter.'
Esther always replied,
'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is
fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther,
I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get
another chance.'
To this, Esther replied,
'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty
dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if
you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of
fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks
over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I
did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm
impressed!'
Morris replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when Esther fell out,
but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
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NEW Added on 6/21/2008
CATHOLIC SCHOOL
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning
centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort.....
they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face.
He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word.....
and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for months.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card.
He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise....
little Zachary got an "A" in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said,
"Son, what was it?
Was it the nuns?"
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?
Little Zachary looked at her and said,
"Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign....
I knew they weren't fooling around."
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NEW Added on 6/20/2008
ERNESTO The CARETAKER
(Thanks to BEN in Dallas)
At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
"What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor"
Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky.
He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor!
A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!
What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Senor.
She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief so.....
I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE...................
"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"
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NEW Added on 6/19/2008
Q & A
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A.No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic.
Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party......
A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
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NEW Added on 6/18/2008
PROUD FATHER
A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.
He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six,"
in spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party.
The man decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if
his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
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NEW Added on 6/17/2008
Q & A
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.
Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Q What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
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NEW Added on 6/16/2008
JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE
Q. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment
Q. What do you have, when you have 12 Lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A. Juan on Juan
Q. Why do criminals want to move to West Virginia ?
A. Everyone has the same DNA.
Q. Why do drivers' education classes in Southern schools use the car only on...
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The position of the dirt bag.
Q. Why do Las Vegas strippers have belly button rings?
A. That's where they hang the air freshener.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do you call a smart Blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do attorneys use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
A. They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'
Q. What is an Irish 7 course meal?
A. A six pack and a potato.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe'.
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NEW Added on 6/15/2008
Q & A
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What has four legs and an arm?
A. A happy pit-bull.
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NEW Added on 6/14/2008
BLIND CUSTOMER
A blind man walks into a little restaurant and sits down.
The owner, walks up to him and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a fork
used by a previous customer.
I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a
greasy fork.
He returns to the man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah,yes,
that's what I'll have--meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen and tells his
wife Gladys, the cook, what just happened.
The blind man eats and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him
A menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry! I didn't recognize you.
I'll go get you a fork."
The owner retrieves a
dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says,
"That smells great.
I'll take the
macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around
with him.
He tells his wife Gladys that the next time the blind man comes in
he's going to test him.
The man returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and
runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Gladys, rub this fork on your panties
before I take it to the blind man."
Gladys complies and hands her husband
the fork.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I have your fork ready
for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says,
"Hey, I didn't
know Gladys worked here!"
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NEW Added on 6/13/2008
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
(Thanks to BEN in Dallas)
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
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NEW Added on 6/12/2008
Q & A
Q. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A. Mace will do that to you.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 10 years and 45 lbs
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NEW Added on 6/11/2008
Q & A
Q. How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A. A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
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NEW Added on 6/10/2008
Q & A
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time ..'
and a southern fairytale begins...
'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
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NEW Added on 6/9/2008
BLONDE JOKE
Returning home from work, a Blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
the Blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,
then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call t he police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman!'
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NEW Added on 6/8/2008
THE TOUR BUS
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway...
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again.....
and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,
'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks,
'Why do you buy them then?' The old lady replied,
'We just love the chocolate around them.
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NEW Added on 6/7/2008
IMPORTANT THINGS I HAVE LEARNED(Thanks to MELINDA @ Y-WaitExpress in Dallas)
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NEW Added on 6/6/2008
Q & A
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. The one who can eat the last donut.
Q. What is a Jewish dilemma?
A. Free Pork.
Q. The three words men hate to hear most during sex:
A. 'Are you in?'
Q. The three words women hate to hear most during sex:
A. 'Honey, I'm home!'
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NEW Added on 6/5/2008
THE TOAST
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here's to spending the rest of
me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary,
"I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said.......
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the prize the
other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep.......
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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NEW Added on 6/4/2008
SNIFFER
(Thanks to MELINDA @ Y-WaitExpress in Dallas)
A man had just settled into his seat next to the
window on the plane when another man sat down in the
aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the
middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very
quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was
allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and
the dog was a 'sniffing dog.'
'His name is 'Sniffer' and
he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get
airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the
agent said, 'Watch this.'
He told 'Sniffer' to'search.'
'Sniffer' jumped down, walked along the aisle, and
finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for
several seconds..
'Sniffer' then returned to his seat and
put one paw on the agent's arm..
The agent said, 'Good boy,' and he turned to the man
and said,
'That woman is in possession of marijuana,
so I'm making a note of her seat number and the
authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent 'Sniffer' to search the
aisles.
The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man
for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time
he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so
again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the
police.'
I like it!' said his seat mate.
The agent then told 'Sniffer' to 'search' again.
'Sniffer' walked up and down the aisles for a little
while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing
back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and
proceeded to poop all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behavior
and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog
would behave like that, so he asked the agent ,
'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replied,
'He just found a bomb.'
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NEW Added on 6/3/2008
WOMEN on MEN
Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
A. 45 minutes
Q. Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. Because they can't stand criticism.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife
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NEW Added on 6/2/2008
THE BITCH
(Thanks to BEN in Dallas)
Well, sometimes life is a bitch!
You come home after a long, hard work day.
You really hope that your wife at least has cooked some dinner for you.
You struggle to get up the steps, find the key and open the door to your residence,
and then, you find your wife sitting there on her ass,
eating dinner that she has cooked for HERSELF ONLY!
Unbelievable. She has been home the whole day and she couldn't even make you dinner.
You think to yourself, why the hell did I marry her?
Oh Yes!,
Now I remember!
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NEW Added on 6/1/2008
LAST YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES (Thanks to MELINDA @ Y-WaitExpress in Dallas)
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash..... Expert Says No
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery: Hundreds Dead
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