 THE RANCH HANDShe was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day. He knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o' clock;came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did so, slowly. 'Now take off my skirt.' He did. 'Now take off my bra.' Again with trembling hands he did as he was told. 'Now,' she said, 'take off my panties.' He slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, 'Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HALLOWEEN TALEIt happened about a month ago just outside of Owensboro, Kentucky, a small town on the banks of the Ohio River, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale..... it is indeed real........ An out of state traveler was walking along the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghost like in the rain. It silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride very badly, the guy jumped into the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of the engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. He saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, he started to pray and beg for his life. He was certain the ghost car would go off the road and into the river, and he would surely drown! But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a ghostly hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window Finally the guy, frightened nearly to death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car.... and ran through the storm to the nearby town. Wet and in shock, he went into a lighted tavern and with voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey. Shaken, he told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence came over those listening and everybody got goose bumps. They realized the guy was sober and was telling the truth. And the sounds of the storm continued outside. About half an hour later, two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, 'Look Billy Bob, there's that idiot.... that got into our broken-down car while we was a pushin' it in the rain.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEN vs WOMENARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. LOOKS Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DIARY OF A DOG AND CATExcerpts from a Dog's Diary….8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Excerpts from a Cat's Diary…My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They delight in taunting me with that bright spot on the carpet..... that I always catch and it always disappears. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about..... what a 'good little hunter' I am...... the Bastards. There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded . The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe......... for now....... meow.....meow.....meow..... ;-) Purr...Purr... I'm waiting!! ;-) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HONG KONG DONGJoe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Geisha Girl. Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird green, festering sore growing on his penis. He went to the doctor..... After hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, He told him he had Hong Kong Dong and....... the only cure was complete amputation. Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion. Joe showed the second doctor the green growth. The doctor said "I am sorry but the first doctor is correct. We must amputate right away." Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an oriental doctor. They must deal with this all the time. He went to Dr. Wong. Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said "These American Doctors.......... so quick to Chop Chop Chop. Amputation not necessary." Joe was relieved. Dr. Wong said "You Save Money..... Wait three weeks and it fall off on its own." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BLIND DATEBut Michael is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night." "Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack." So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awestruck at how beautiful she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts..... "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BANK TELLER"I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So without saying anything the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!" "I see," says the manager excitedly, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Going Fishingmade my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio...... and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back..... now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 20 years replied...... 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?' I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but...... I've stopped fishing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKEShe told him that her husband prefered anal intercourse, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. The doctor asked, 'Do you enjoy it?' She said that she did. He asked, 'Does it hurt you?' She said that it didn't. The doctor then told her, 'Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't continue, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.' The woman was mystified. She asked 'You can get pregnant from anal intercourse???' The doctor replied, 'Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE VIRGINSurprised at her choice, the friend exclaims, "you can't be serious, how can you wear white?" The woman asks why not? "Well", said the friend, "this is your FOURTH wedding and you're not a virgin!" "Oh, but I am" replied the woman. "My 1st husband was a Gynecologist, and all he wanted to do was look at it. My 2nd husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My 3rd husband was a contractor & never showed up. But this time I'm marrying a Lawyer & I know I'll get screwed!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. & A.A. Because there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CAT & THE ROOSTERA rooster, a mouse, a worm, and a cat. In the middle of them is a pond. Every time the rooster tries to go around the pond to get the worm everyone moves around. If he goes the other way the same thing happens. So he decides to go over the pond. He gets a big run, jumps, and flaps his wings and gets over and gets the worm. He is very happy. The cat (who really wants to get the mouse) decides to try the same trick. He gets a big running start and SPLASH, right in the middle of the pond. The Moral of this story is.......... "Whenever there is a happy cock there is a wet pussy." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LION TAMERSOn the day of the auditions two people showed up. One was a young man, of 25, the other was a beautiful young woman of about the same age. The ringmaster led the two up to the cage and said, 'I won't lie to you, this is the most dangerous lion I have ever seen. He ate the two lion tamers I had before you. You have the choice of a pistol, whip, or chair to tame him, If you can do it you have the job. Who wants to go first?' The young lady says 'I will.' She walks past the pistol, whip, and chair and into the cage. The lion immediately sees her and charges. When the lion is halfway to her she throws open her robe....... revealing her luscious, nude young body. The lion stops dead in its tracks, purrs, then slowly walks toward her. It proceeds to lick her feet, ankles, and legs....... It then goes to sleep with it's head on her feet. The ringmaster exclaims 'Good lord, I have never seen anything like that! He then looks at the young man and says 'Do you think you can top that?' The young man says 'You bet I can, just get rid of that lion !' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LESBIANHe walked up to her and said 'Can I buy you a drink?' She replied 'Yes you may, but you won't get to first base with me.' 'And why not?' replied the guy. 'Because I'm a lesbian.' she replied. 'Oh, so you're from Lebanon.' 'You don't know what a lesbian is, do you?' 'No, I can't say I do.' replied the guy. 'Let me try to explain.' said the blonde. 'You see that girl at the end of the bar? Well, I would like to make passionate love to her, and kiss her all over all night long.' She looked aside and saw the guy with his head down sobbing uncontrollably. 'What's the matter with you?!' The guy slowly looked up at her and said 'My GOD... I think I'm a lesbian, too!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WAITING FOR ST. PETERa couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting for St. Peter. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.' and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months... and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?' St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informed the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.' 'Great,' said the couple, 'but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?', asked the frightened couple. St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKESA: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters. Q: How can you tell if a Blonde works in an office? A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces. Q: How can you tell if a Blonde writes mysteries? A: She has a checkbook. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Applying For Social SecurityAfter waiting in line for quite a long time he arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home. 'Will I have to go home and come back now?' he asks. The woman says, 'Unbutton your shirt.' He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' as she processes his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She says, 'You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ KINDERGARTENHe says, "Ma, I can't go back to that school. Everybody calls me big head, fat head, you got a big fat disgusting head. I can't go back to that school." His mother says, "Johnny, don't be ridiculous. You're beautiful. You're the best looking kid in your class. Now run down to the deli and get me three six-packs of beer." He says, "How am I gonna carry 'em?" She says, "Put 'em in your hat." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NEW NEIGHBORHe was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. 'Excuse me', our man stammered, 'but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is.' 'Yeah? So?' his hulking neighbor replied. 'Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts.' The burly husband is about to deck the guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. 'OK,' the husband says gruffly, 'for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts.' At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire burst free. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. 'Well, come on already, kiss 'em!' he growls. 'I can't.' replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away. 'Why not?' demands the husband, getting really angry now. 'I don't have ten thousand dollars!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE TRUCKERJust as he was starting down the steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making wild and passionate love. In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. He realized that they were not going to stop or get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck. He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, 'What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!' Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said, 'Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.........' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & AA. Erotic is using a feather..... ....kinky is using the whole chicken. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DISGRUNTLED HUSBANDmy wife asked me what was on the T V and I said "dust"!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEwhen they found a magic genie's lamp and the Genie said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said, "I wish I were smarter." So she became a redhead. The second Blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette. The third Blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than both of them." So she became a man. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONSTRUCTION SITEa guy working at the top accidentally knocked a brick off the 50th story, when looking down he saw that his boss was in line to get hit by the brick, and yelled, "Falling Brick". The boss looked up after hearing the yell and moved to one side as the brick crashed to the ground. The boss looked up at the worker and yelled, "A $100 bonus for you!". Another guy working a floor below had observed what happened with the brick and decided he wanted a $100 bonus too. Unfortunately, he was a bit of a stutterer, as he kicked the brick off the side of the building he looked down and yelled with a loud voice, f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f..... "Forget it, your Dead" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEA: It's too hard to re-train them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKEAn intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, 'Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place.' So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons. One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, 'So, how's it going down there in hell?' Satan laughed and replied, 'Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.' God's face clouded over and he exploded, 'What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.' Satan shook his head, 'No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him.' God was as mad as he had ever been, 'This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue.' Satan laughed uproariously, 'Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DELIVERY ROOMHe looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Yes, I am," said the doctor. The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth." He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, I am," she said. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said. He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father answered. The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger seven times saying, "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICEThe doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, It is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKESA: Because she loved children. Q: Why did the Blonde print TGIF in all her Shoes? A: So she could remember that "Toes Go In First"! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CONSTRUCTION SITEThe foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ... Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells......  |