 
NEW Added on 12/31/2008
 HAPPY NEW YEAR
CROWN ROYAL
A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender to line up ten shots of Crown Royal.
The bartenders asks "What's the happy occasion?"
"It's not so happy," the guy replies,
"I just found out my older son is gay.
"Sorry about that," the bartender replies.
A week later the same guy comes to the bar and asks the bartender
to line up 20 shots of Crown Royal.
The bartender says
"I hope it's a happy occasion this time."
"Not really," the guy replies,
"I just found out my other son is gay."
With that he drinks the shots and leaves.
A month later the guy walks into the bar again and asks the bartender
to give him the whole bottle instead of lining up shots.
The bartender decides to ask the guy a personal question,
"Doesn't anybody like girls in your house?"
The guy replies
"Yes, I just found out my wife does."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/30/2008
THE SMILING CORPSES
Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Alabama,
and a detective goes into the coroner's to find the causes of death.
The coroner points to the first dead man.
'This is Cletus,' he says.
'He died of shock after winning 20 million on the lottery.'
He then moves on to the second smiling corpse.
'This is Bo,' the coroner says with a grin.
'He died having sex with Trudy-May.'
Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse.
'This is Roscoe,' says the coroner.
'He died after being struck by lightning.'
'Well,' asks the detective,
'Why was the fool smiling?'
'Oh,' says the coroner.
'He thought he was having his picture taken.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/29/2008
BLONDE JOKE
There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde.
They all worked together at an office.
Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early.
So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left,
they would all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they.
The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning.
The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date.
The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom.
She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss,
so she shut the door and left.
The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again.
They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.
"No," she says,
"yesterday I nearly got caught!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/28/2008
GOING ON A DATE
"Emily, I don't know what to do,"
Gloria said to her friend at work.
"That good-looking Alan in accounting asked me out for Saturday night.
Should I go?"
"Oh, my gosh," her friend exclaimed.
"He'll wine you, dine you,
and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment.
Then he'll rip off your dress and make love to you all night long!"
"What should I do?"
"Wear an old dress."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/27/2008
THE UNIQUE GIFT
A few days before Christmas,
a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.
The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for!
A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.
He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.
The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty,
but he doesn't seem to be much for singing.
The manager tells him to watch as he pulls out a lighter.
The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot.
Immediately Chet starts singing;
"Silent Night, Holy Night."
The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities....
and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot.
Chet now starts to sing
"Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."
The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.
The husband rushes home to his wife....
and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately.
He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings
"Silent Night."
He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of
"Jingle Bells."
The wife is absolutely impressed,
and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens
if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.
Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs,
and the bird begins to sing.......
Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/26/2008
"Santas Pickup Lines"
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
2. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
3. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
4. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!
5. Some of my best toys run on batteries.
6. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)
7. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
8. Forget the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!
9. Wanna join My "Mile High" club?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/25/2008
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
A CHRISTMAS STORY
Twas, the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.
No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There'd be no damn reindeer, and no stupid clatter.
There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I'll be alone, my Hewlet Packard and me.
I won't race to the window, I'll have no ecstasy.
I'll just sit right here... with Windows XP.
There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.
I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that's about.
As I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.
A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And asked, if I might like to chat for a while.
She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.
She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.
She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight.
He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.
So, she thought she'd use it, "I guess it's all right."
She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How, she was expected to be a good wife.
She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because, she was forced, to do such silly deeds.
She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me...... she was oversexed.
She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.
He's always too busy, and getting too old.
Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her, to have cyber-sex.
I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got *really* good.
After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.
She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.
She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.
She said, only.... on this night, she could be found.
It is only.... this night, her husband leaves town.
She said bye, and signed off... And, I had to pause.
I think I just cybered... with *Mrs.* Santa Claus!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/24/2008
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE XMAS
at The SOPRANO'S HOUSE
'Twas the night before christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin,
Cause I had a gun under da pilla.
When up on da roof,
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window and yelled,
"Yo!, Keep it down."
When what to my wonderin'
eyes should appear,
But the Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer.
Wit' slicked back hair,
and a red silk suit,
Don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought all da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a wack 'side dare heads,
He shouted and swore,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Vinny, Yo Paulie,
Yo Augie, Yo Vito;
Hay Tony, Hay Joey,
Hay Frankie and Guido!"
As I pulled out my gun,
And hid by da bed,
He flew in'da window,
And smacked me in'da head!
"What da hell you doin',
Pullin' a gun on da Don?"
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin moron!"
Den shovin' his finga,
Right under my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he gave dem a beatin'.
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did not expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/23/2008
SANTA AND THE ANGEL
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
It had been a very stressful Christmas Eve for Santa.
Four of his elves were sick, and the trainees couldn't do the work right.
Then Mrs. Claus said that her mother was coming for a visit,
stressing Santa even more.
When he checked on his reindeer.
Three were about to give birth, and two had run off to who knows where.
Santa then decided to get coffee and a shot of whiskey.
But the elves had hit the liquor cabinet and emptied it.
Then the doorbell rang, and Santa cussed under his breath on the way to the door.
There was this little angel carrying a big Christmas tree.
She asked,
"Hey fat man, where would you like me to put this tree?"
And that is the story of how the little angel got to be on top of the Christmas tree.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/22/2008
THE CHRISTMAS DIVORCE
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says,
"I hate to ruin your day,
but I have to tell you that your Mom and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,
so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,
" She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,
"You are NOT getting divorced.
Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says,
"the kids are coming for Christmas and paying their own way."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/21/2008
A NIGHT OF PASSION
A stagecoach bounced down a rutted road, heading for Dallas.
In the coach were a Texan, a very busty lady, and a greenhorn from the East.
The greenhorn kept eyeing the lady.
Finally he leaned forward and said,
"Lady, I'll give you one hundred dollars for a night of passion."
The Texan was appalled.
He pulled out his pistol.....
shot the greenhorn right between the eyes.....
and shoved his body out the door.
The lady gasped and said,
"Thank you, sir, for defending my honor!"
The Texan holstered his gun and said,
"Your honor, hell!
Just trying to keep down inflation.
Around here, a night of passion goes for twenty dollars."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/20/2008
THE WALMART STORE
John worked for a while at a WalMart store, selling sporting goods.
As an employee of WalMart you are sometimes required to make store wide pages,
e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."
One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message:
"I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/19/2008
PAYDAY
A man left work one Friday afternoon, but because it was payday....
instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys.....
and spending his entire pay check.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night,
he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours
with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him,
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied,
"That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Wednesday went by and he didn't see his wife.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough.....
where he could see her a little....
out of the corner of his left eye.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/18/2008
SATAN AND THE OLD MAN
A few minutes before the church services started,
the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church......
except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,
seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said,
'Don't you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY
for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope.'
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked,
'Well, why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for over 48 years.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/17/2008
SISTER MARGARET DIED
Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell.
She immediately called Saint Peter and said,
"This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!"
She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on it.
The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter and called him back.
"Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged.
"There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!"
"Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."
Apparently, her plight slipped his mind......
and the following morning he received another phone call from hell.
He picked up the receiver and heard,
"Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. NEVER MIND!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/16/2008
THE MAGIC FROG
One day, down in a mystical forest,
a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole.
The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before.
But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop and said,
"Because you are the only two animals I have ever seen,
I will grant both of you three wishes.
OK, bear, you can go first."
The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said,
"I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet,
and immediately put it on.
The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish.
"Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine.
The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items,
because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said,
"I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."
The rabbit grinned,
roared the engine,
and said,
"I wish that this bear was gay."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/15/2008
THE ADVICE COLUMN
DEAR MARRIAGE ADVISOR,
My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our
entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters.
They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue.
He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him.
Every time he gets caught, he denies it all.
Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been
going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat.
I don't know what to do.
Signed Frustrated
Dear Frustrated:
You should dump him.
Now that you are finally becoming Secretary of State, you don't
need him anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/14/2008
THE DUMB BLONDE
Behind a billboard on a highway a police officer was clocking speeders.
A gorgeous Blonde went zooming by at about 110 Mph.
So he pulled her over .
He asked for her drivers license and she said
' drivers license what's that?'
He said that's usually in your purse and it has your picture on it.
She said Ok she looked and found it then gave it to him.
Than he asked for her registration and she said
' registration, what's that?'
He said that it was the paper that is usually kept in your glove compartment and
it proves that you own the car.
She said Ok and looked and she found it and gave it to him.
He said ok just wait here and he went back to his car and radioed the information
in to the dispatch and the dispatcher says:
wo wo wo wo wo, Is that a drop dead gorgeous Blonde?
The cop says yes.
The dispatcher asks if she is dumb as a door nail?
The cop says yes why?
He says ok this is what you have to do........
go back to her car and just drop your pants,
The cop says WHAT???
The dispatcher says trust me just do it.
The cop says ok........
So he goes and drops his pants and the Blonde says
"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/13/2008
THE MOTH EXTERMINATOR
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together.
The woman heard a noise,
"Quick! My husband's coming through the front door!
Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.
Her lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed.
Her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you,"
she replied with a knowing smile.
"Great," he said,
"I'll just step into the bathroom and I'll be with you in a minute."
Before she could stop him........
he went into the bathroom where he found a naked man clapping his hands together in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company.
Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths,"
the lover replied.
"But.. but you've got no clothes on?"
stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said,
"The little bastards!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/12/2008
THE PROUD MOM
My proudest moment came during the children's Christmas pageant.
My daughter was playing Mary, two of my sons were shepherds
and my youngest son was a wise man.
This was their moment to shine.
My five-year-old shepherd had practiced his line,
"We found the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes."
But he was nervous and said,
"The baby was wrapped in wrinkled clothes."
My four-year-old "Mary" said,
"That's not 'wrinkled clothes,' silly.
That's dirty, rotten clothes."
A wrestling match broke out between Mary and the shepherd
and was stopped by an angel, who bent her halo and lost her left wing.
I slouched a little lower in my seat when Mary dropped the doll
representing Baby Jesus, and it bounced down the aisle crying, "Mama-mama."
Mary grabbed the doll, wrapped it back up and held it tightly
as the wise men arrived.
My other son stepped forward wearing a bathrobe and a paper crown,
knelt at the manger and announced,
"We are the three wise men, and we are bringing gifts of gold,
common sense and fur."
The congregation dissolved into laughter,
and the pageant got a standing ovation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/11/2008
GIRL SCOUTS
While leading a party of girl scouts through the woods in silent Indian fashion.......
the troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where......
a young couple was engaged in an indecent act.
"Back ladies, back!" cried the leader.
"There's a very dangerous beast out there!"
But it was too late, several of the girls had more-or-less seen all.
They asked their leader what was happening.
"Well, if you... er... must know,
they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration."
"WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group.
"I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/10/2008
BLONDE JOKE
Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/9/2008
Q & A
Q. What do Japanese men do when they have an erection?
A. Vote.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/8/2008
THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
A man driving down a deserted stretch of highway notices a sign
out of the corner of his eye:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
Thinking it was just a figment of his imagination he drives on without a second thought.
Soon, he sees another sign:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
He begins to realize that these signs are real. He then drives past a third sign:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
'What may we do for you, my son?'
He answers,
'I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.'
'Very well, my son. Please follow me.'
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man,
'Please knock on this door.'
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a plate.
This nun instructs,
'Please place $50 in the plate, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.'
He gets $50 out of his wallet, places it in the plate, trots eagerly down the hall,
and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/7/2008
FIRST DATE
One night this guy and his date were about to go into his apartment.....
and before he could open his door his date said.......
'Wait a minute.......
I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.'
The guy says......
'Well, give me some examples.'
The girl proceeds to tell him.....
'Well the first way is........
If a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard.......
then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.
'The second way is........
if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the keyhole.......
that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either.'
Then she said.......
'Honey, how do you unlock your door?'
He answered........
'Well, first.......
before I do anything else........
I get down on my knees.....
and proceed to lick and kiss the lock.......'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/6/2008
DRIVER'S LICENSE
A man went to get his driver's license renewed.
The line inched along for almost an hour until the man finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk,
"I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The clerk looked at his picture closely.
"It's okay," he reassured the man.
"That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/5/2008
THREE NUNS IN HEAVEN
There were these three nuns that were killed in a traffic accident,
and immediately sent to the Pearly Gates.
As St. Peter was looking over their files, he said,
"You ladies have been very good, but before I can let you in....
you have to answer a question."
So he asks the first nun,
"What was the name of the first man that God created?"
"Adam," she replied.
The lights started flashing, music started playing,
the angels started singing,
and then two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings,
and off she went into the Pearly Gates.
Then St.Peter asked the second nun,
"What was the name of the first woman that God created?"
"Eve," said the nun.
And the lights started and two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings,
and off she went into the Pearly Gates.
Then St. Peter asked the third nun,
"What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"
The nun, clearly confused, started scratching her head, and replied,
"Gee, that's a hard one."
And the lights started flashing, the music started playing..........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/4/2008
BIRBAL and AMIT
An Arabian Folk Tale
Amit was a high ranking official in King Akbar's court.
He had one long-standing wish -
to suck the Queen's voluptuous breasts until his heart was content.
Every time he passed the Queen he got frustrated.
One day, he revealed his desire to the King's chief adviser, Birbal,
and begged him to do something about it.
Birbal, after much thought, agreed on the condition that, afterward,
Amit would have to pay Birbal 1,000 gold coins for arranging things.
Amit agreed.
The next day Birbal prepared an itching lotion and poured it into the Queen's bra
which she had left out while she was taking a bath.
Soon the itching started and grew in intensity, much to the King's anxiety.
Consultations with doctors and Birbal revealed that only a special saliva,
if applied for four hours, would cure it.
Birbal also added that such a saliva was only to be found in Amit's mouth.
King Akbar summoned Amit, and for the next four hours Amit violently sucked the Queen's breasts.
Licking, biting, pressing, playing, he got what he always desired.
Satisfied, he returned and met Birbal, but since his mission was over and his lust satisfied,
he refused to pay Birbal anything, and in fact he shooed him away.
Amit, of course knew that Birbal could never report this matter to the King.
But Amit had underestimated Birbal.
Next day, revengefully, Birbal put the same itching lotion in King Akbar's underwear . . . .
and Amit was again summoned by the King....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/3/2008
THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG
Once upon a time in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent self-assured princess happened upon a frog
as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an
unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said:
Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you,
and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am........
and then my sweet we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle.
You will bear my children and take care of them until they are grown.
You will happily clean the castles 100 rooms, and wait on me and my friends,
for whatever makes me happy makes you happy.
You will prepare my favorite meals,
clean my clothes and accede to my every whim and demand....
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night as the princess dined on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't think so........ asshole!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/2/2008
DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL
A man comes home with his little daughter,
whom he has just taken to work.
The little girl asks,
'I saw you in your office with your secretary.
Why do you call her a doll?'
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him,
the man explains,
'Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl.
She types like you wouldn't believe,
she knows the computer system and is very efficient.'
'Oh,' says the little girl,
'I thought it was because she closed her eyes......
when you laid her down on the couch.'
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NEW Added on 12/1/2008
AMISH STORY
One cold blustery day,
an Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old Buggy.
The daughter said to her mother,
"My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied,
"Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."
So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and he said
"My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied,
"Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."
So he did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said,
"My nose is cold."
The girl replied,
"Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."
So he did and warmed his nose.
Seeing the pattern, the boyfriend quickly said to the daughter
"My penis is frozen solid too."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother,
and she says to her mother,
"Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said,
"Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies
"Well they make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
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