 GOLF JOKEShe enters to the pro shop and says, "I have a complaint. I was just bitten by an ant on your course." The pro replies, where did you get bitten, miss? She responds, "between the first and second holes" The pro thinks a second and says, "miss, if I were you, I'd narrow my stance!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEQ. What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a Blonde? A. The prostitute says.... "Aren't you done yet?" The nympho says.... "Are you done already?" The Blonde says..... "Beige.... I think I'll paint the ceiling Beige." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKE"I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is: your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment. "So, what's the catch?" he asked. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CONFESSIONALUpon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice. The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARThe bartender says, 'Get out of here with that dog!' Big Mike protests, 'But this ain't just any dog... this here dog can play the piano!' The bartender replies, 'Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!' So Big Mike sits the dog at the piano, and the dog starts playing ragtime, a little swing, some Elton John. The bartender is amazed and patrons are enjoying the music. Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks Big Mike, 'What the Hell was that all about?' Big Mike replies, 'Oh, that was his mother. The bitch wants him to be a doctor.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ITALIAN BUILDERSThey walked in the office and said, "We need one-a hundred four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" Salvatore said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "At-sa right, am-a need one-a hundred two-by-fours." "Alright", said the clerk. "How long do you want them?" Salvatore paused for a minute and said, "Uh...I'd better go check." After a while, Salvatore returned to the office and said, "We gonna need them a-longa time, we gonna build-a a house." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED!I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that's how the fight started..... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DADDY'S BIG TUMMYbouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her son has seen she dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son asks his mom, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your daddy has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "Your wasting your time," says the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SNOW PLOWOne winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again. The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?" With the love and understanding in his voice..... that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMAN vs MANThis place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now! What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ARGUMENT"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted as he stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. He asked, "What took you so long to answer?" She answered, "I was in bed." He asked, "What were you doing in bed this late?" She answered, "I was getting a second opinion." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GOD'S HOLIDAYHe's had enough of the pressures and stresses of being number one, so he's decided to go on holiday. He calls for St. Peter. 'What about Mars', says St. Peter. 'No, I went there 15,000 years ago', says God. 'It was terrible, no atmosphere and too dusty.' 'What about Pluto', suggests St. Peter. 'No I went there about 10,000 years ago', says God. ' It was freezing'. 'What about Mercury then', says St. Peter. 'It's nice but I went there about 5,000 years ago, It was so hot, never again' says God. 'Well what about Earth then' suggests St. Peter. 'You must be joking' says God. 'I went there about 2,000 years ago, Had my way with a Jewish girl named Mary, and they're still talking about it.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE RABBITapprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BAR"Pour me a stiff one, Eddie, I just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" asked Eddie. "And how'd this one end?" "When it was over, "Harry replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees." "Really?" Now that's a switch! What did she say?" "She said, Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SATISFACTIONthe man asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you are fully satisfied?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED!My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, ' She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split 20 years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And that's how the fight started..... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEN on WOMEN(It's Payback time!)(Submitted by men)Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 90 percent of her intelligence?... A. Divorced! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEN on WOMEN(It's Payback time!)(Submitted by men)Q. If your wife is knocking at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door.......... which one do you let in? A. The dog! Because at least when you let him in he'll shut up! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEN on WOMEN(It's Payback time!)(Submitted by men)Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? A. When the first words out of her mouth are....... "A man once said"! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? A. Because a man's sperm will not stop and ask for directions. . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship? A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers? A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? A. Telling you his real name. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ELDERLY MARRIAGEto marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather hopefully. 'Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently,' she responded. The old guy paused.... then he asked, 'Was that one word or two?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN LOVE WITH MY DENTISTShe confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist ...and she was going to propose to him. Her friend said, " Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why this dentist?" "Because he is the First man that ever said to me......... SPIT, don't SWALLOW." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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