 AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED!After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing; my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.' When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And that's how the fight started..... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEWhen the man tells her it will be $300 She exclaims... "I don't have any money...... but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland !!!! " To that the man asks.... "Anything"?? And the Blonde says "yes.... Anything"!! With that, the man says "Follow me"..... He walks into the next room and tells her "Come in and close the door"....She does!! He then says "Get on your knees"..She does!!.. He then says take down my zipper"..She does!!... He then says "Go ahead... Take it out" With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands!! The man then says "Well.. Go ahead"!!... She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips.... She says "HELLO, MOM"???? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Eggs Benedict???Q. What's the similarlarity between Eggs Benedict and Oral Sex. A: You can't get either at home. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND, ..... THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED!I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's how the fight started..... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE NURSEShoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast........ and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems O.K. but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again, she seems O.K. but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEBreast Stroke Competition. The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the Blonde finally arrived. The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died down.......... she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to sound like a bad loser but, I think those other girls used their arms." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CANNIBALWhile enjoying the soup, the friend said, "Your wife sure makes a delicious soup!" The cannibal replied, "Yes, and I'm really going to miss her." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IRVING YOU PIGHe was a loathsome pig of a man! She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, 'Irving You Pig....... remember that fur coat you promised me?' She answered by saying, 'I bought it with the insurance money!' She then said, 'Irving You Pig......... remember that new car you promised me?' She answered again saying, 'Well, I bought it with the insurance money!' Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, 'Irving You Pig......... remember the night you said you wanted me to blow you? Well......... Here it comes.....' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MONKEYThere was no evidence of another vehicle being involved. Both the driver and passenger were dead. As he looked upon the wreckage, a tiny monkey skipped out of the bush and sat at the cops feet. The cop looked down at the little monkey and said, "boy I wish you could talk." The monkey looked at the cop and motioned his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" the cop asked. Again the monkey nodded his head affirmative. "Well, did u see what happened?" "yes" motioned the monkey. "Tell me what happened." The monkey pretended to open and drink a beer. "They were drinking?" asked the cop. "Yes" nodded the monkey, who then pinched his finger and thumb together and held it to his mouth. "And smoking marijuana?" The cleaver monkey again nodded yes. "What else." asked the cop? The monkey made a circle with his thumb and index finger on one hand, and with the other hand, inserted the middle finger in and out, "You mean they were having sex, too?" "Yes" nodded the monkey, "So you're telling me they were both drunk and stoned and otherwise occupied before crashing." "Yes" nodded the monkey, "And what were you doing during this time?" "Driving" the monkey motioned. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE RESTAURANTwhen the waitress asks for his order, he says "I want a quickie" She slaps his face and says, "Now would you please give me your order?" Again, he says, " I want a quickie" She slaps him again and says, " I'll give you one last chance, what do you want?" Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man, "I think it's pronounced QUICHE." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FROG STORY"help me, help me." She looks around and follows the quiet voice to a bush near the path. Looking under the bush she spies a little green frog trapped under a log. The girl moves the log and picks up the frog. "Oh, thank you, thank you," says the frog. "Take me home and put me on your pillow and in the morning I'll be a handsome Prince." So the girl takes the frog home and puts him on the pillow and there in the morning is a handsome prince. You don't believe this story? Neither did her mother! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEA: Third Grade. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUG STORE'Excuse me, ma'am,' he stammered, 'may I speak to the pharmacist?' 'Son,' the old woman said, 'I am the pharmacist. It's just my sister and me here. What can I do for you?' The customer said, 'Ah, well, it's rather embarrassing.' 'Young man, we've heard everything,' she assured him. 'Please, don't be nervous.' 'Well, I've had this huge erection for three days and can't get rid of it. What can you give me for it?' 'Wait here. I'll be right back,' she said, walking into the office. A few minutes later, she stepped back to the counter... 'My sister and I can give you twenty percent of the business and $4000 cash.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The G SPOTA man will spend hours looking for the golf ball! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWO WHALESThe male whale recognized it as the same ship that harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female: "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. This they tried and, sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. Enraged, the male whale told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore. At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FOUR SINNERSSt. Paul says to the the first one, "Have you ever touched a penis before." The nun says "Yeah, with my finger." St. Paul says, "Dip your finger in the holy water efore you enter." The second one says, "With my hand." And she has to dip her whole hand in. The third one's about to answer, but the fourth one pushes her out of the way and shouts, "IF YOU THINK IM GOING TO GARGLE THAT WATER AFTER SHE'S STUCK HER ASS IN IT, YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUG STOREI was waited on by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked how big I was and I said, "Compared to what?" She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that." Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that." Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm about that big." She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ REMEMBER??and naturally they have got to know each other pretty well. One day, during a game of cards, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, "I realize we've known each other for many years, but for the life of me, I just can't remember... would you please tell me your name again, dear?" There is dead silence for a couple of minutes, then the other lady responds, "How soon do you need to know?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BLONDE AND THE LAWYERThe lawyer asks if she would like to play a game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says,"Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUG STOREHe said, "Daddy, what are those?" His father replied, "those are condoms son and they are used for safe sex". The boy said,"oh, I've heard of that in school". He noticed the three pack and said to his father, "Daddy, who uses those". His father replied, "those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday" Then the boy looked at the six pack and said, "Daddy, who uses those". His father replied, "son, those are for college boys. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday". "Oh" the boy says. Then the boy looks at a big twelve pack and says, "and Daddy, who uses these". His father looks at him one last time and says, "Son, those are for married men, One for January, one for February, one for March....... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE HAREMOne day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FERTILITY DOCTORThe man started to get suspicious of the activities of his wife at the local fertility clinic. He decided the next day to follow her on her way to the clinic. He stood there watching as she went inside and she closed the door. He slowly went up to the door and peeked through the keyhole. What he saw was shocking, sure enough his wife was having sex on the floor with their fertility doctor. He barged into the room and started screaming at them. The doctor remained very calm, even when the police showed up, he was still cool as ice. The couple had wanted the fertility treatments, the doctor explained in his court defense. “I was giving his wife her last doses of pregnancy medicine for that day”. He also mentioned that he didn’t even charge her for his services! Unless the result happened to be pregnancy! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FORMER PRESIDENTSFord says: What do we do? Bush says: Man the lifeboats. Reagan says: What lifeboats? Carter says: Women first. Nixon says: Screw the women........ and Bill Clinton says: You think we have time? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NURSE JENNY'She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards.' said one doctor. 'Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!' The second doctor said, 'That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!' Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall, 'Oh my God!' said the first doctor, 'I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MIMEUnfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that its a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people.... and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lions cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, 'Help, Help me!', but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, 'Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ITALIAN VIRGINSHowever, they have no idea what there supposed to do once they get to their hotel room. The newlyweds decide to call the groom's mother and get some advice on what to do. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there. The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens. He calls his mother back to find out what to do next. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed, and nature should takes its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice but still nothing. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation she says, 'Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!' and hangs up on him. A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back, 'Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DRUNK TESTHe goes up to the guy's window and says, 'Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube.' The man says, 'Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack.' 'Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.' 'I can't do that either. I am a haemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.' 'Well, then, we need a urine sample.' 'I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic..... If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar.' 'All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.' 'I can't do that, officer.' 'Why not?' 'Because I'm drunk.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Wit and the Wisdom of Homer SimpsonIDs." *"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen." *"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine." *"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel." *"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers." *"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!" *"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'" *"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life: Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'" *"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda." *"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'" *"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get." *"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such." *"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way." *"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?" *"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!" *"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'" |
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