 SAM AND BECKYSam says to Becky, "So, Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..." "Well, all right, three times..." "three, hmmm, well when were they?" "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted...... to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?... Remember, one day the bank president himself came over the house...... and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?... Well..." "Oh, Becky, you did that for me?! I love you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me... So when was number 2?" "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and....... you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you?... Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself.... and then you were in good shape again?... Well...." "Oh my god!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, you must really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the school board.... And you were 67 votes short...." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE GENIEThe genie informs him that he gets three wishes, but whatever he gets his ex-wife gets double. "How about $1,000,000?" he asked. "Your ex-wife now has $2,000,000 in her account as well," said the genie. "I've always wanted a Jaguar, how about that?" "Your wife now has two of those cars." For the last wish he had to think for a minute, "...could you beat me half to death?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SOUTHERN BELLESOne of them had just returned from a shopping trip to New York City. In her sweetest, southern voice she said: 'Do you know, that in New York City, there are men who have sex with other men. One replied: 'And what do they call them'... The Belle replied, 'They call them homosexuals' The Belle went on... 'And did you know that in New York City, there are women who have sex with other women?' The other Belle said... I do declare, whatever do they call them? The Belle replied, 'They are called, 'Lesbians.'' Finally the returned Belle said: 'And did you know, there are men in New York City who "French" kiss a girls most private parts.' 'Oh my goodness, and what do they call those men?' The Belle blushed and replied, 'I'm not sure what the women of New York call them, but I called them SWEETHEART.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE 4th GRADER"Dad, everyone in class can count to 100, but I can only count to 10. How come?" His father says, "Well son, that's because you're from West Virginia." The next day, the 4th grader came home from school and says. "Dad, today everyone in class recited the entire alphabet. I only know up to the letter 'L'. How come?" Again, his father replies, "Well, that's because you're from West Virginia." Then one day, the 4th grader came home and was all excited, wearing a smile from ear to ear. He says, "Dad! Dad! Today, we were in gym class, and all the boys had little weiners, but mine was huge! Is that 'cause I'm from West Virginia?" His father replies, "No son, that's because you're 28 years old!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Man And The Rabbi'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.' The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.' The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?' The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?' The man anxiously says, 'Yes.' 'Take the poison!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jokes overheard at Glamourcon in LA GAY GEORGEThe doctor comes back and says, "George, I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS." George is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." George asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jokes overheard at Glamourcon in LA THE HORNY MOUSEwent down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this." "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jokes overheard at Glamourcon in LA THE 40th ANNIVERSARYDuring the celebration, a fairy appeared. "Because you have been such a loving couple all those years, I would like to give you each one wish." The wife quickly said, "I want to travel around the world." The fairy waved her wand and, POOF! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and, POOF!... He was 90. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jokes overheard at Glamourcon in LA The Cowboy and His Horse!The Indians were all prepared to kill him when the chief announced........ that due to the celebration of the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he would die. "What do you want for your first wish?" asks the chief. I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He goes over to his horse and whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked girl on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy and the girl use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy comes out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt. "What do you want for your second wish?" says the chief. "I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. Again, the cowboy whispers in the horses ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked girl on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later, and the chief asks the cowboy "What do you want for your last wish?" "I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He grabs the horse by the ears and yells, "You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE!!!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jokes overheard at Glamourcon in LA THE FROGHe is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong...... puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life. He asks the frog, "OK what's next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table..... The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win..... but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 92 YEAR OLD MANA few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DAMN INCOME TAXESSt. Peter tells him that he cannot enter yet because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a dumb, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Ray decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So, off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Marcus up ahead with an even uglier woman. When he asks what's going on, Marcus replies 'I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.' They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now Marcus, Ray, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Russell up ahead. This man is with an absolutely gorgeous woman. Stunned, Marcus and Ray approach the man and discover it is their friend Russell. They ask him how it is he's with this unbelievable goddess, while they're stuck with these god-awful women. Russell replies, 'I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Every time we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, 'Damn income taxes!'.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THREE OLD MENThe doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply. The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday" replies the second man. The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BIRTH CONTROLThe patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked...... "Did I just see you swallow something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill." said the driver. "Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your lights, I knew I was gonna get screwed." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The American Diplomatwas being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his man-servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand Emir. " A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "American Diplomat sit on well." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE WIDOWThey loaded up Bob's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house..... and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. 'I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Not to worry,' Alex said, 'we'll be happy to sleep in the barn.' A year later, Alex got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?' 'Yes, I do.' 'Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house....... and have sex with her?' 'Yes, I have to admit that I did.' 'Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?' Bob's face turned red and he said, 'Yeah, I'm afraid I did.' 'Thanks Buddy! She just died and left me everything!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEfor a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First they called the brunette in and asked her a question. "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why? After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars..... because it seems so interesting about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet." They said, "Well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her. Next the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply she said, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Also saying, "thank you" and that they would get back to her. Next the Blonde entered the room and they asked her the same question. "What planet would you like to go to?" She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun." The people from NASA replied, "Why? don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?" The Blonde smirked and put her hands on her hips, and said........ "Boy, are you guys dumb? I'd go at night." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE GARDEN OF HEDONa guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance. He went inside a building marked "Registration" and....... saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked. "It's quite simple," said the receptionist. "This is a nudist camp..... We take off all our clothes and commune with nature." "Great," said the guy. "Count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his clothes and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing...... which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry, you've had two warnings!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKESaint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The lawyer said, "Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this also. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARan exceptionally gorgeous, sexy, young woman entered. The man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his stare and walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, with one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and handed her five $20 bills. He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly said, "Paint my house." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ONCE A JERK, ALWAYS A JERK!His only companions are a pig and a dog. After a few weeks, he's been pretty successful........ built himself a shack and doing OK for food. The only problem, is that he's really starting to miss sex. He looks at the options open to him....... the dog and the pig. "Got to be the pig", he thinks. So, he starts to have sex with the pig and all of a sudden, the dog bites him on the ass. Damn, he thinks - this is no good!. The next day, he tries again....... the dog bites him on the ass again. He then goes for walk on the beach.... trying to think what he's going to do about this. and he comes across a beautiful young woman..... half drowned, lying on the beach. He carries her back to his shack and spends the next week...... taking care of her and getting her back to health. After a week, she finally comes around and says to him "I am just so grateful for what you've done...... I will do anything for you, just name it". "Hmmm, he thinks", looking at this beautiful young thing lying in his bed. "Well, there is something", he says nervously. "Yes, name it - anything at all - I'm yours" "Can you take this dog for a walk ?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICEAs he approached the desk, the receptionist asked: 'Yes sir, may we help you?' 'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that.' 'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you.' he said. 'We do not use language like that here,' she said. 'Please go outside and come back in........ and say that there's something wrong with your ear or something.' The man walked out, waited several minutes and re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked' 'Yes?' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?' 'I can't pee out of it,' he replied. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEShe left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons,...... so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The Blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The Blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?" The Blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEN vs WOMENabout who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with sex?" "That doesn't prove anything, think about this"...... the woman countered. "...When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it, wiggle it around and then pull it out, which feels better -- your ear or your finger?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEHe wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead..... who would it be?" The Blonde quickly responded, "The living one." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FORTUNE TELLERJennifer went to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball...... the mystic delivered grave news. 'There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.' Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face.... then at the single flickering candle.... then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She met the fortune teller's gaze.... steadied her voice.... and asked her question.... 'Will I be acquitted?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ITALIAN GRANDMOTHER"Youa comma to the front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. Witha you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Comea inside, the elevator is ona the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I'ma on the left. With you elbow, push my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but............. why am I pushing all these buttons with my elbow? "Whats-a-matter witha you??????????.... You comma empty handed? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LITTLE OLD LADY"I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. The farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts - although still silent - stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED!When I got home last night,...... my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station..... and that's how the fight started.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WILD HAIRAn old guy sitting on the bus stares at him, and the punk says, "What's the matter, old man, didn't you ever do anything wild in your life?" And the old man says, "Yeah, one time I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED!I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's how the fight started. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
