 LAWYER JOKENot enough sand. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEThe mechanic asks, 'What's the matter? She says, 'It just conked out.' After he we works on it a few minutes, it's purring like a kitten. 'What's the story?' she asks. 'Crap in the carburettor,' he replies. 'How often do I have to do that?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LITTLE BOY"Dad, what's a penis?" The dad stutters for a minute and then unzips and says, "Well, son, this, is a penis, a perfect penis." The boy goes out to his friends and says, "Guys, this is a penis. A perfect one would be two inches shorter." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEShe wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with one of the shopkeepers, the Blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator........ so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the Blonde turned and headed for the swamps....... set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home.... when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water.... shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim and kills the creature.... and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the Blonde flips the alligator on it's back..... and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRAGON MANhe asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter. He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter. He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest daughter. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN AND SEXThey are never sure how long it is going to last..... or how many inches they are going to get. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEeven though she had no prior experience. She mounted the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately sprang into motion. It galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the Blonde began to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabbed for the horse's mane, but couldn't seem to get a firm grip. She tried to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slid down the side of the horse anyway. The horse galloped along, ignoring its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leapt away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot became entangled in the stirrup...... She was at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves.... as her head struck the ground over and over. As her head was battered against the ground, she was mere moments away from unconsciousness. Then, to her great fortune, the WalMart manager saw her and shut the horse off. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOCTOR Q & AA: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride' AND..... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ EARLY WINTER FORECAST"Say, What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck. "It's Snow----Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?" "Me, I'm June----June Hansen," she said. After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?" "Can you imagine what it might be like," he replied, "...having nine inches of Snow in June?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SEW ON A BUTTON"Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants. " "Oh Angus ... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it." About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a lot of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. His wife looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?" "Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did. Everything was goin fine until she bent down to bite off the wee thread..... Then Mr. MacDonald walked in... " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NEW NEIGHBORSHe was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. 'Excuse me', our man stammered, 'but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is.' 'Yeah? So?' his hulking neighbor replied. 'Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts.' The burly husband is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. 'OK,' the husband says gruffly, 'for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts.' At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire burst free. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. 'Well, come on already, kiss 'em!' he growls. 'I can't.' replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away. 'Why not?' demands the husband, getting really angry now. 'I don't have ten thousand dollars!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ JEWELSShe told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you're not wearing any of those things," replied the artist. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CHOKERa young woman at the next table having trouble breathing. One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said, 'Kin ya swaller?' She shook her head 'no.' 'Kin ya breathe?' Again she shakes her head 'no.' The Texan grabs her around the waist with one of his big Texan hands, turns her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her right on the bottom! Of course the young woman was so shocked that she coughed, causing the food to dislodge. The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls up her skirt, turns her right side up, tips his hat and returns to his seat. His companion is sitting there stunned. 'I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!' he says to his heroic friend. 'Yep, I tell ya, that Hind Lick maneuver works every time!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DUMB GUYBefore the manager can correct the price to ten dollars, the dumb guy has twenty turkeys in his cart. The manager says to a stock boy, "Do whatever you can to keep him from buying all the turkeys." The stock boy says to the dumb guy , "Sir, these turkeys are all infected with AIDS." The dumb guy says, That's okay, I'm not gonna have sex with 'em, I'm gonna cook 'em and eat 'em." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LOVERS LANEHe sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He gets closer to the car & sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine & a young woman on the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car & knocks at the window. The young man lowers his window... 'Yes, officer?' 'What are you doing?' asked the officer. 'Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine...' Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?' The young man says: 'I believe she's knitting a sweater...' The cop is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening! 'What's your age, young man?' 'I'm 25, sir...'.. 'And her, what's her age?' The young man looks at his watch & says: 'She'll be 18 at midnight...' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FROGShe puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box...and it says.... "Oral Sex Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions)" She looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers to the man behind the counter... "I'll take one." He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog food and is on her way home. She gets home, takes out the instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do. 1. Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume. 2. Put on a very sexy teddy. 3. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there." To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog. So, she showers again and tries another perfume. She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and...nothing. She's totally frustrated and upset at this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper is says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, she does. The man from behind the counter says, "I've had a few complaints earlier today, I'll be right over." After the man got to her house the woman says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says, "I'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE TAXIDERMISTSurprised, the bartender looks around and says 'You ain't from around here... where you from, boy?'. The guy says, 'I'm from Ohio' The bartender asks, 'What do you do up in Ohio?' The guy responds, 'I'm a taxidermist.' The bartender asks, 'A taxidermist... what the hell is a taxidermist?' The guy says 'I mount dead animals.' The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, 'It's OK boys, he's one of us. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ INDIAN'S LANDIndians were running it. There were: - No Taxes - No Debt - Plenty buffalo - Plenty beaver - Medicine man free - Women did all the work and all the farming - Men hunted and fished all the time The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAMhas ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a "Guaranteed" weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck" he thinks to himself. "But let's see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3-day, 10-pound weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike's and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Well, without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to mention the method of "treatment," he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5-day, 20-pound weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their "workout" schedule might be like this time. As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it, there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reebok's and a sign around her neck. She is simply stunning and the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. "I love this company," he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun!" Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7-day, 50-pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years!" The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him an 800-pound gorilla with a huge erection and a sign around his neck. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TOP 101. -You have more fingers than you do teeth 2. -You cut your grass and find a car 3. -You consider Denny's a Fancy Restaurant 4. -Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors 5. -Your age is higher than your I.Q. 6. -Your favorite pickup line is "Does this look infected to you?" 7. -You ask your wife whether the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies "Its a gummy bear." 8. -You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up. 9. -You say "Watch this" every time just before you go to the hospital. 10. -Your wife and ex-wife are sisters. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AMERICAN HOLIDAYgoes to consult a psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer. "You will die on an American holiday." "Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously. "It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BUBBAWithin a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Bubba, a part timer, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Bubba had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy any hairy female. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Bubba was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Bubba showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Bubba announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. 'First,' he said. 'I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want to wear protection.' The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. 'Well,' said Bubba. 'You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SOCIAL WORKERSThey heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and beaten," he pleaded. The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague, "You know, the person who did that really needs help." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PICKLE FACTORYHe had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE VETERINARIANAfter about five weeks of this, the pastor takes the lady on the side and says, "I really appreciate what you're doing, but how can you afford to do this?" To which the old lady replies, "It's not a problem, because every week my son sends me $2,000" Well, the pastor is flabbergasted, and tells the woman that she is truly blessed to have a son who takes such good care of her. "What does he do for a living?" he asks. "He's a veterinarian," she replies. "A veterinarian?!? My word, where is his practice?" The little old lady answers, "Well, he's got one cathouse in Reno, and another just outside Las Vegas." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ KING ARTHURHe was worried about leaving beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said.... come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something. A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory..... where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt..... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect the Queen?" "Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin..... He then produced a large orange carrot........ He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt ........ whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and....... ordered them to drop their trousers for an informal inspection. Sure enough! Every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" But Sir Galahad was speechless. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWO BLONDESOne day, they decided to take a different route. One of the Blondes remarked, "I never came this way before." To which her friend replied, "Must be the cobblestones!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEThe brunette asks, "Did you hear about the new blonde paint?" The redhead answers, "No" The brunette says, "It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEwondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the desk clerk asked, "Why not?" "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed. "One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BEAR HUNTINGHe spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder...... and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said 'You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex.'...... Bob decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks.... Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said 'That was a huge mistake, Bob. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex.' Again, Bob thought it was better to comply. Although he survived...... it would take several months before Bob finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods........ managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said 'Admit it, Bob, You don't come here for the hunting do you?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
