 A GOOD DATE!One Friday night right they had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time. The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up." The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared." The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud! She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE AMOROUS CLERKa pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth.... then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PEANUTSHe'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The mother said to the young man, "That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!" The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's arm behind his back and yelled, "Doctor, my ass! He's going to be our son-in-law. Smell his fingers!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SPEAKING IN CODEthat they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on their sex life. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded telling her young child, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father the bad news. A few days later the mom told her "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father and came back to her mother and gave the father's response, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWO OLD LADIESSuddenly it starts raining so the smoking one takes out a condom from her purse, cuts the tip off and puts it over the cigarette. Her friend asks her: "What are you doing?!?" So she replies: "I don't want my cigarette to get wet so I covered it with a condom" So her friend asks: "What's a condom? Where did you get it?" So she says: "At the pharmacy" So the next day her friend goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk if she can get a condom. The clerk asks: "What size?" So she replies: "I dunno, one that will fit a camel. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ELEVATOROne day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment...... an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a beautiful twenty-four-year old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEThey had a stay-over in another city...... so the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route....... he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He called her room wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captaind asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says..... "Do Not Disturb"! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BODY BUILDERand decided to head back to his place. By the time they got home he saw that the girl was so excited that he rips off his shirt, points to the bulging biceps and says, "See these baby - 1000lbs. of dynamite!" The girl becomes even more excited. Seeing this, he then tears off his jeans, points to his muscular thighs and says, "See these baby - 1000lbs. of dynamite!" The girl can hardly contain herself at this point. So finally, he drops his "fruit of the looms". The girl jumps up and runs for the door, the guy catches up with her and says, "Baby, where are you going?" She replies, "With 2000lbs. of dynamite and such a short fuse I was afraid you were going to explode!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE IRS AUDITfor advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel." The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE NEW SECRETARYOne day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr.. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A SPANISH DELICACYWhile sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TV QUOTE"Sex Is Like Pizza........, Even When It's Bad......, It's Good!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BURGLARShining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you." He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He again heard, "Jesus is watching you." This time, he shone his light all over, and it finally rested on a parrot. He asked, "Did you say that?" The parrot admitted that it had. "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?" The bird answered, "The same folks who would name a Rottweiler "Jesus'.! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The QUARTERBACKand then filed for divorce after spending only one day with her? He said that he thought he was getting a tight-end but... ended up with a wide receiver. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BOTH OF THEM??They talk for a while and then the friend asks, 'My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my slippers please?' The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's wife and college age daughter, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says, 'Hi, ladies! Your dad sent me here to sexually satisfy both of you!' They stare at him and say, 'That can't be!' He replies, 'OK, let's check!' He shouts at his friend down the stairs, 'Both of them?' 'Yes,' comes the reply, 'Both of them!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WILD SEX* Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge. * It takes five minutes to un-knot your bodies. * An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area. * The cat's exhausted from just watching you. * A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs. * You've both gone down one clothing size. * You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust. * You have to breathe into a brown paper bag. * You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE NASTY DRUNK"A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here... and while you're at it, have one yourself." "Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks. Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else." The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?" The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar. About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends." "I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve. "Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 19 BROTHERS AND SISTERS"The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing." "My mom and dad would go to bed at night, and my dad would ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and my mom would say, 'What?'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MARTINISand orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, 'Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.' The customer replies, 'I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ADAM & EVE"It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sex Education'Teacher, can my momma get pregnant?' The teacher asks, 'how old is your mother?' Little Mary says, 'forty'. The teacher says, 'yes, your mother could get pregnant.' The little girl asks, 'can my big sister get pregnant?' The teacher asks, 'how old is your sister?' Little Mary answers, 'nineteen'. The teacher says, 'oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant.' The little girl asks, 'can I get pregnant?' The teacher asks, 'how old are you?' Mary says 'I'm seven years old'. The teacher says, 'no, you can't get pregnant.' Little Johnny, who is sitting behind little Mary, gives her a poke and says, 'see, I told you we had nothing to worry about.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LITTLE JOHNNYThe teacher asked, "Johnny, what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test, and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36" And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Johnny both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnny, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Johnny replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants" Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Johnny: Coconut The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? Johnny: Bubble gum Ms. Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Johnny: "Shake hands" Ms. Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement? Johnny: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHEN I'M DEAD AND GONEThe husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ INSURANCEnew recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, 'If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.' 'Now,' he concluded, 'which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TOP TENTop Ten Things You'll Never Hear From A Southern Boy 1. Oh I just couldn't, she's only fourteen. 2. You can't feed that to the dog. 3. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 4. Please trim the fat off that steak. 5. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 6. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 7. Duct tape won't fix that. 8. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. 9. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. 10. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin'. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SUNBURNsettled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sunburned beyond belief. He could hardly stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looked at his lobster-colored legs and shook his head. 'You must realize that this is only a small village medical facility,' he explained. 'I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this just before bedtime...' The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra. Puzzled, the man asked, 'I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra tablet going to do?' 'Not a thing for the sunburn,' the doctor replied, 'but it might keep the sheets off your legs!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LIFESAVERSa bowl of Lifesavers. He gave the children a Lifesaver and asked them, "What is the flavor, and what color is it?" The children began to say, "Red . . . cherry . . . yellow . . . lemon . . . lime . . . green . . . orange . . . orange." Finally, he gave them all honey Lifesavers. The children suck on them for a while, but can't decipher the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother would call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled: "Everybody spit it out, they're assholes!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARThe bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference..... pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch....... that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and screams at the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it..... Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch." The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge..... pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch." The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. An old drunk from the end of the bar.... who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?" The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust.... violently spits out the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss," The old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NEW DOCTORHe had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly to cover his embarrassment. The young lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He snarled "just what is so funny madam?" She replied, "I'm sorry doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PASTORShe was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ,the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine the shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...! When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl). "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know ... I haven't had a cold all winter." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BLIND MANThey come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
