 THE E-MAILHis wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife.... whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BAD GOLF GAME"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said........ "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!" "You're not kidding...... For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUNKhoping he can get home early enough not to anger his wife for getting drunk after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife. Later, back at the bar, the drunk tells the bartender the story, "Wow, that's awful, what did you do?" "Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hi-tailed it back here. They were just getting started.... so I figure I got time for a couple more beers." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FORTUNE TELLERand sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future." Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend." "That's true," said Paul. "Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?" "Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?" "Love line? No, from the calluses." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CONFESSIONALand not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit.... and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.' The priest asks, 'What did you do?' The woman says, 'I committed adultery.' Priest, 'How many times?' Woman, 'Three times.' Priest, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.' A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.' Priest, 'What did you do?' Man, 'I committed adultery.' Priest: 'How many times?' Man, 'Three times.' Priest, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.' The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.' Rabbi, 'What did you do?' Woman, 'I committed adultery.' Rabbi, 'How many times?' Woman, 'Once.' Rabbi, 'Go do it two more times.... We have a special this week, three for $5.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Getting a Lawyer to Give to the United WayThe person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No." "Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident?" the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her pennyless with three children?" The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MY DADDY....."My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy", replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind.", replied Tommy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MAIDAfter a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid. The maid couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. 'Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam.' 'I suppose my husband told you that?' 'Yes, he did. And furthermore,' the angry maid continued, 'I am better in bed than you!' 'And I suppose my husband told you that, too?' 'No, Madam,' said the maid. 'The butler did.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWO DRUNKSwhen they come across a dog licking its privates. The first drunk says "I wish I could do that!" The other drunk responds "If you pat him on the head he might let you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WAYWARD DAD'Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives only a street away and her name is Susan Hoffman.' After dinner, George's dad took him aside and said, 'Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George..... She and I have been married 30 years, and she's a wonderful wife and mother, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I fooled around with other women a lot. Susan Hoffman is actually your half sister, so I'm afraid you can't marry her.' George was broken-hearted. After eight months, he started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, 'Diane said yes! We're getting married in June.' Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news: 'Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this.' George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. 'Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married,' he complained. 'Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.' 'Hah,' his mother chuckled, shaking her head, 'Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE HANDSOME HANDYMANHe stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil.... then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said.... 'Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand.... put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' Hey, thanks!' the handsome young man said, and off he went. While walking he met a fair young lady. She told him she was lost, and asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?' The handsome young man said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there'. The fair young lady said, 'How do I know that when we get in to the alley.... you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?' The handsome young man said, 'I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose..... How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The young lady said, 'That's easy! Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose..... put the anvil on top of the bucket..... and I'll hold the chickens!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BAD SEXwhen the wife picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins. "Jesus Christ, woman! What the hell was that for?" he yells. "That's for 60 years of bad sex," she replies. A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins. "Ow!!" she yells. "What the hell was THAT for??" The husband looks at her and says, "That's for knowing the difference." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MARTIANSbut the two glowing Martians survived and set out to find a way home. They walked through the forests, through the fields and finally came into the city. They stopped at an intersection.... and began to shake and moan at the mere sight of a green light. Suddenly, the light turned from green to yellow and then to red. Turning to his traveling companion, one Martian said disgustedly, "Let's get out of here. If there's one thing I hate.... it's a woman who's a tease." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWO OLD LADIESOne lady turns to the other and asks, 'Do you still get horny?' The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.' The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?' The second old lady replies, 'I suck on a lifesaver.' After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SEX THERAPISTEvery time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is. In fact, you could take it as a compliment!" "Yeah, I guess so," she complained, "but it almost always wakes me up!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE JEWISH MOTHERHe says, "I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house. He sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" She replies "She's the one I didn't like". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GOD BLESS.......'God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy... Goodbye Grampa.' Well, the father thought it was strange, but dismissed it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or so later, the father heard his son saying his prayers again... 'God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy.... Goodbye Grammy.' The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers.... 'God Bless Mommy..... Good bye Daddy.' This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally, after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. 'I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today.' 'You think you've had a bad day? the wife yelled, 'The mailman dropped dead on our doorstep this morning!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PINOCCHIOLater, as they were cuddling, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, "What's the matter, baby?" Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love, you give me splinters." This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice from his creator, Gepetto. When Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering Pinocchio, and asked him what was the matter. As Pinocchio revealed his dilemma, Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way. Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems. A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town picking up supplies when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying packs of sandpaper, Gepetto remarked, "So Pinocchio, things must be going pretty good with the girls." To which Pinocchio replied, "GIRLS? WHO NEEDS GIRLS???" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THREE MICEThe first mouse drank a shot and said, "I play with mousetraps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he drank another shot. The second mouse drank a shot and said, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets........ cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he drank another shot. The third mouse drank a shot, got up and walked away. The first two mice looked at each other........ turned to the third mouse and asked, "Where are you going?" The third mouse stopped and replied, "I'm going home to screw the cat." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEShe explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says, "Open wide". "I can't," replies the Blonde, "there are arms on this chair." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOCTORS OFFICEThe doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce some excitement into the process. He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan. "Well," he says to the doctor, "I did everything you suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early. I sped home and skidded up the driveway. I charged into the house and found Shirley in the living room. I stripped her naked and had her right there on the coffee table!" "And did you enjoy it!?" asked the doctor enthusiastically. "Well," says the guy slowly and thoughtfully, "Yes, but her Bible Study group was horrified!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARI don't think you can pay for it.' The guy says 'You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?' The bartender says 'Only if what you show me ain't dirty or pornographic.' 'Deal!' says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. The bartender says, 'You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.' The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. 'Money or another miracle else no drink,' says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says 'It's a deal.' He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, 'Are you crazy?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. 'Not so,' says the guy. 'The hamster is a ventriloquist!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEto the curb. When he walked up to the drivers window, he was surprised to find a very attractive Blonde behind the wheel. "Ma'am," he said ."I'm afraid we're going to have to give you a Breathalyzer test to see whether or not you've been drinking." The test was taken and as the officer eyed the results, he said, "Lady, you've had a couple of stiff ones." "That's amazing!" the Blonde cried."You mean it shows that,too!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 300 SHEEPwith 300 sheep on board. Neil went back to see how they were doing and came back. "Bruce, we've just lost the starboard engine, what shall we do?" "That's alright Neil, we've got another one on the other side, it'll just take us longer to get there." Well, after a bit, Neil was getting bored, and went to see how the sheep were doing. When he came back he said, "Bruce, we've just lost the port engine, what shall we do?" "That's alright Neil, we've both got parachutes, and the plane will glide on autopilot for long enough for us to get out." "Yeah, but what about the sheep?" "Aw, screw the sheep!" "You reckon we got time?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE VIRGINso his friend told him that he'd take him to a girl that would teach him a few things. He agrees. Later that week, he's in a room with the girl. She takes off her clothes, and asks him, "Do you know what I want?" He says, "No.". She lies down on the bed, and asks him the same question again. Again, he answers "No." Now, she's not sure exactly what to do, so she spreads her legs wide. She asks, "Now do you know what I want?" He answers, "Yeah. You want the whole bed to yourself." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BUYING A BARBIE DOLL"Could you please show me your Barbie dolls? My daughter's birthday is today and I have to get something she will love!" She says, "Certainly, sir. Here, we have: *Fashion Barbie @ $15.95 *Vacation Barbie @ $15.95 *Housewife Barbie @ $15.95 and *Divorcee Barbie @ $215.95!" The guy asks in astonishment, "Why is "Divorcee Barbie so much? She looks the same to me." The clerk answers, "Well, sir, Divorcee Barbie comes complete with: Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's yacht, Ken's golf clubs, Ken's Gold MasterCard, his season tickets to the Lakers, and his summer home." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MADAMthe madam was surprised to see a multiple amputee. "Look at yourself," the madam said, "no arms, no legs, what could you possibly do?" The amputee replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUNKand there is a horse behind the bar serving the drinks. The Drunk is staring at the horse, when the horse says: 'Hey mister - what are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?' The Drunk says, 'No, no, it's not that... it's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWO REDNECKSThey took the dog out to give it a try. After a long while one Redneck said to the other, "Well, we'll throw him up in the air one more time. If he doesn't fly, we'll shoot the son of a bitch!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
