 What Can I Get for Ten Bucks?He decides to go and see the madam at the local brothel. When he tells her of his lack of funds.... she shows him to a small room and points to a chicken in the corner.... he decides to accept and it turns out to be the best sex he has ever had. About a week later he returns with 20 bucks in his pocket.... and asks what she can do for him this time. He is shown to a large room with several benches and a two way mirror, through which he is invited to watch two lesbians having sex. After half an hour he nudges the guy next him and says "What a great show for 20 bucks." The guy replies, "Yeah! But you should have been here last week. We had some guy having sex with a chicken! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CINDERELLAshe happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man". Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DISEASE'Well? What's the news?' 'Not good I'm afraid' replied the doctor 'You've got a disease that can't be treated.' The man broke down crying 'What am I going to do?' he sobs. 'Well I'm afraid, it's even worse than that, you have a new and highly contagious form of the disease.... and we're going to have to put you into quarantine straight away. Then we can start the special diet' 'What special diet?' the guy asks 'Pancakes and flat fish - sole, stuff like that' 'And this special diet, will it help me get well?' 'Sorry, no.... but it's the only stuff we can slide under the door!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Saint PeterSt. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big...... what kind of car you get will depend on your answer." The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?" The first guy says, "24 years." "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asked. The guy says, "Yeah, 7 times... but you said I was forgiven!" Peter says, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto." The second guy says, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good." Peter says, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln." The 3rd guy walks up and says, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" Peter says, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!" A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto see the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they ask him what's wrong, he says, "I just saw my wife, and she was on a skateboard!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PRAYING PARROTSI have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say,'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying such terrible things, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman exclaimed. The next day the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots ... and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, dude! Our prayers have finally been answered!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE WISDOM OF HOMER SIMPSONThat's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs." "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen." "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine." "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel." "If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers." "To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!" "I saw a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city.... keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'" "I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life: Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'" "Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda." "Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'" "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get." "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else.... and it hasn't.... it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such." "Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way." "Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?" "Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!" "Maybe, just once.... someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE TORRID AFFAIROne afternoon they couldn't contain their passion..... so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night. They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, 'I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love... and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late.' The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, 'I can see those grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LITTLE RED RIDING HOODHer mother tells her, "Little Red Riding Hood, don't walk through the forest, you know the Big Bad Wolf is going to try to pinch your boobies." Little Red Riding Hood says, "Oh no, he's not!" and she leaves. Farmer Brown sees Little Red Riding Hood and says, "Little Red Riding Hood, don't walk through the forest, you know the Big Bad Wolf is going to try to pinch your boobies." Little Red Riding Hood says, "Oh no, he's not!" and walks on. Finally, she gets to Grandmother's house and the Big Bad Wolf jumps out and says, "Little Red Riding Hood, why are you in the forest, you know I'm going to pinch your boobies." Little Red riding hood pulls a gun out of her basket and says, "Oh no you're not, you're going to eat me, just like the story says!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BLONDE NURSE'She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards.' said one doctor. 'Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!' The second doctor said, 'That's nothing.... Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!' Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall,: 'Oh my God!' said the first doctor, 'I just realized I told her to prick Mr. Smith's boil!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Right and Wrong!right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said.... "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money..... what would I be?" A little girl raised her hand, and said, "You'd be his wife." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEabout how dumb she was. So her friend tells her "why don't you do something to prove everyone wrong? Learn all 50 States Capitals or something." The Blonde thinks this is a great idea so she locks herself up in a room to study for 2 weeks. The next weekend she was at a party and someone was teasing her about how dumb Blondes are. So she said "I am not dumb! I can name the capital of all 50 states." So the other person says "ok smarty, what's the capital of Montana?" The Blonde was very excited because she knew this answer! "I know this, I know this! The capital of Montana is M!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BAD DAY!!The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp. "Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened." "I came home early today," answered the guy....... "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend." The bartender poured the dude another triple shot..... "This one's on the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?" The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. ‘Pack your bag's and get out!’ I told her." "What about your friend?" asked the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said........ ‘Bad dog!’" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HOWARD'S GUILTNo matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him: "Howard, don't worry about it..... You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients.... and you won't be the last. And, you're single.... Just let it go." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Howard, you're a veterinarian...." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ REDNECK WIFEso she bought a pair of crotchless panties. That night, as he came into the house.... she lay sprawled on the couch spread-eagle. "Hi honniee," she purred sexily. "Y'all want some of this?" "Hell, no!" he hollered....... "Look what it's done to your panties!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Professor's Dirty JokesAfter one particularly vulgar story, all the women decide to leave the next time he starts telling a joke. The next day the Professor comes into the class and says, "Did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?" With that all the women got to their feet and headed toward the door. "Wait," cried the Professsor, "the boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKESt. Peter asks the first blonde, 'What is Easter?' The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful...' 'Wrong!,' replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, 'What is Easter?' The second blonde replies, 'Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.' St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, 'What is Easter?' The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, 'I know what Easter is.' 'Oh?' says St. Peter, incredulously. 'Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.' St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, 'Every February the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Physical TherapistThe first of the twosome tees off and watches in horror as her ball hurtles directly towards a group of men playing the next hole.... hitting one of the men full-on.... who immediately crumples to the ground, both hands clenched firmly between his legs. The women rush over... 'I'm really, really sorry,' says the woman who teed off. 'Please allow me to help you ...... I am a physical therapist and I can ease the pain if you'd allow me.' 'Oooh - ahhh - oooooh!' screams the man, writhing around on the floor with his hands still firmly entrenched between his legs. 'I'll be all right in a couple of minutes' Persistent the woman pins him down and unbuckles his belt. Then she loosens his trousers, slips her hand inside and massages his groin. 'How does that feel?' the woman asks. 'It feels absolutely great,' says the man, smiling, 'but my thumb still hurts like hell!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Things NOT to Say To a Police Officer2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are you Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10. Do I know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic and yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son . . . your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Clinton's ClockHillary is struck by a car and killed. Soon, Hillary finds herself at the gates of Heaven. She sees St. Peter and asks "Can I get into heaven now?" he says "Soon, I have some things to take care of." So St. Peter leaves and Hillary sees millions of clocks lying around. Every once in a while, a clock would turn ahead 15 minutes. Hillary wondered why. Soon, St. Peter came back and Hillary asked... "St. Peter, What are all these clocks for?" St Peter replies "Each clock represents a man. Every time a man commits adultery, the clock turns ahead 15 minutes. Hillary asks "Where's my husbands clock?" St. Peter replies.... "Oh, it's in God's office, he uses it for a fan." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 8th Anniversary SEPTEMBER 11th Don't ever forget 9/11! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Relationship with GodAll of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Cohen said, "Morris everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with yourself, and have a good relationship with God?" Morris replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, *poof* . . . the light goes on when I go to the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off!" "Wow," commented Dr. Cohen, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Cohen called Morris's wife. "Becky," he said, "Morris is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom.... and then *poof* the light goes off?" Becky replied, "The darn fool!... He's peeing in the fridge again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NEVER HIRE A MAN TO DO A WOMAN'S JOBhighly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman....... She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SIX COWSThey watch as a bull comes over the rise and services six cows in a row, one after the other. His wife says, "It's a shame a man can't perform like that." He says, "We could, if we got to change cows every time." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SINGLE WOMAN'S PRAYERPlease don't send me no more creeps. Please just send me one good man. One without a wedding band. One good man who's sweet as pie. Who brushed his teeth and doesn't lie. Who dresses neat and is never bad. And is sexy like my man Brad. If I should die before I wake, that would truly take the cake; No matrimony or honeymoon. No fancy reception planned for June. No throwing of the wedding bouquet. Please, God, don't let me go out that way. If I die before I meet Mr. Right I won't go out without a fight. But then again with my luck, He'd probably be just some schmuck. The single life is not that bad I know it's just a passing fad. I won't be blue. I will not frown. Besides, I like my toilet seat down. No more makeup, won't comb my hair. So never mind this stupid prayer. The single life will do just fine. So what's up, girlfriend? IT'S PARTY TIME!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ONE UPMANSHIPretirement community, were getting acquainted at poolside. Inevitably, their conversation turned to children. "My son is the most successful doctor on Park Avenue," announced one. Not to be outdone, the second remarked, "My son is the most successful lawyer on Wall Street." The third remained conspicuously silent. Sensing easier game, the first matron inquired, "And you, dear, do you have a son?" "And is he a professional?" demanded the second. "Well, not exactly," answered the third. "Actually, he's a plumber. And not only that, he's gay." Beaming, one of the poor woman's interrogators offered consolation: "Ah, he's not doing so well." This time it was the third woman who smiled. "He's not doing too badly," she explained. "He goes out with the most successful doctor on Park Avenue and the most successful lawyer on Wall Street." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GHOST STORYAt one of the daily sessions the speaker asks if anyone has ever seen a ghost. A few hundred people raise their hands. The speaker is quite pleased with the reaction. He next asks whether anyone has ever touched a ghost? Much to his surprise, at least a dozen people raise their hands, claiming to have actually touched a ghost. The speakers then asks whether anyone has ever had sex with a ghost. There is silence in the room. A few moments pass and then suddenly..... an East Indian gentleman sitting in the back raises his hand and exclaims, "I have." The speaker cannot believe what he has just heard. "You sir? You have actually had sex with a ghost?" Embarrassed, the East Indian replies, "Omigod, stupid, stupid me..... Very, very bad mistake..... I am thinking you say goat." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ OLYMPIC CONDOMSUpon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily. "Gold of course," says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver.... it would be nice if you came in second for a change!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWO WHALESlooks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father 5 years ago. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales." The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!" Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "HEY!", she says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing the seamen!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CHRISTMAS BIKEwas riding down it down the street for the first time! He was so proud! He stopped at a red light and smiled up at a Police Officer on a horse. The Police Officer asked the boy "Did Santa bring you that new bike?" The boy replied "Yes! Sir" "It looks like Santa forgot to put reflectors on the back of your bike" said the Police Officer, "The next time I see you there better be reflectors on your bike!" said the Police Officer. The little boy replied "Yes Sir". "Officer, can I ask you a question?" said the little boy. "Yes", said the Officer. "Did Santa bring you that horse?" asked the boy. "Yes he did!" said the officer. Then the boy said... "Oh, if I ever get a horse I'm going to ask Santa to put the ass hole behind the horse instead of on top". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE STOP SIGNCop says, "License and registration please." Guy says, "What for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Guy says,"I slowed down, and no one was coming." Cop says,"You still didn't come to a complete stop, license and registration, please." Guy says, "What's the difference?" Cop says, "the difference is, you have to come to a complete Stop. License and registration, PLEASE!" Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop I'll give you my license and registration." Cop says, "Exit your vehicle sir." At this point, the cop takes out his Night Stick and starts beating the guy over the head and says, "NOW, Do you want me to slow down or stop?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
