 
NEW Added on 10/31/2009
THE DRESSER DRAWER
A young couple gets married....
and the groom asks his bride....
if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open.
The bride agrees.
After 30 years of marriage....
she notices that his drawer has been left open.
She peeks inside and sees 2 golf balls and $1,000.
She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation.
He explains....
"Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer."
She figures 2 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks....
"But what about the $1,000?"
He replied
"Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/30/2009
TOP TEN LIST
Top Ten Slogans Being Considered by Viagra
10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
9. "Here's the beef!"
8. "Get a piece of the rock"
7. "You've come a long way, baby"
6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"
5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman"
4 ."Tastes great, more filling"
3."Viagra, built ram tough"
2. "Just do her"
1."This is your penis........ This is your penis on Viagra........ Any questions?" ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/29/2009
MAY - DECEMBER
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, 'It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26!
What kind of a wedding is that?'
The other says, 'Well, we have a name for it in my family.'
'What do you call it?'
'We call it a football wedding.'
The first asks, 'What's a football wedding?'
The other says, 'She's waiting for him to kick off!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/28/2009
CAMELS
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks,
'Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?'
The mother replies,
'Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand.'
'OK,' said the son. A few minutes later the son asks,
'Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?'
'They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert.'
'Thanks Mom,' replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks,
'Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??'
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies,
'They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert,
so we can go without drinking for long periods.'
'That`s great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking,
and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and
these humps to store water, but Mom...'
'Yes, son?'
'Why the hell are we in the Central Park Zoo?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/27/2009
MARRIED A NUN
Not long after his marriage, Ernie Junior and his father Ernie senior, met for lunch.
"Well son," asked Ernie senior,
"How is married life treating you?"
"Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior.
"It seems I married a nun."
"A nun?" his father questioned.
"That's right," moaned Ernie junior.
"None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!"
Ernie senior nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times.
"Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?"
Young Ernie smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"
"Fine," replied Ernie senior,
"I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/26/2009
MACHO MAN
A macho man married a good-looking sexy young lady.
After the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want...
and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you otherwise.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin', and card-playing when I want and
don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night....
whether you're here or not."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/25/2009
THE TELEPATHIC WATCH
A guy walks into a bar and sits down beside an attractive woman.
He sits there for awhile intently staring at his watch as the woman becomes curious.
The woman leans over and says "that is a nice watch you're wearing."
"Thanks," he says. "It's a new top of the line watch."
She asks, "what it can do?"
He says that it tells him things telepathically.
"Oh yeah," she says. "What is it telling you now?"
He says that it says she's not wearing any panties.
She replies that's wrong because she is.
He looks at his watch as says, "damn, it must be an hour fast."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/24/2009
BILL, MONICA & HILLARY
It seems that after Bill Clinton got caught with Monica,
Hillary took charge of hiring new interns for the White House!
She offered Lorena Bobbitt the job!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/23/2009
THE MAGICAL FROG
One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole.
The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before.
But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop and said,
"Because you are the only two animals I have seen,
I will grant both of you three wishes.
Bear, you can go first."
The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said,
"I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.
The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish.
"Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine.
The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items,
because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said,
"I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said,
"I wish that the bear was gay."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/22/2009
THE DRUNK
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and after staring for a long time at
a woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her,
placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him.
He immediately apologized and explained,
"I'm sorry, I thought you were my wife.
You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.
"That's funny," he muttered,
"You even sound exactly like her."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/21/2009
BLONDE JOKE
Question: How do you know if a Blonde has been sending e-mail?
Answer: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into your Zip Drive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/20/2009
SAINT PETER
Three friends-two straight guys, a gay guy and their significant others were on a cruise.
A tidalwave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and now,
they're standing before St.Peter.
First came one of the straight guys and his wife.
St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much.
You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."
Then came the second straight guy and his wife.
"Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much,
you even married a woman named Candy!"
The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously,
"It doesn't look good, Dick."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/19/2009
SNEAKING HOME LATE
Two married buddies are out drinking one night....
when one turns to the other and says,
"You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking,
I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.
I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house,
I sneak up the stairs,
I get undressed in the bathroom.
I ease into bed
and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says,
"Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway,
slam the door,
storm up the steps,
throw my shoes into the closet,
jump into bed,
slap her on the butt and say,
'You as horny as I am?' . . .
and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/18/2009
BLONDE JOKE
A young ventriloquist is away traveling on a road tour.
One night he finds himself doing a gig at a nightclub in a small Arkansas town.
With his dummy on his knee,
he's going through his usual routine of dumb blonde jokes.......
when a Blonde stands on her seat and starts shouting...
'I've heard enough of your stupid Blonde jokes!
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected not only at work
but also in the entire community!
You keep us from reaching our full potential and all because of you and your kind
continuing to perpetuate discrimination against, not only us Blondes,
but women in general...
all in the name of humor!'
The ventriloquist is so embarrassed and begins to stammer out an apology,
when the Blonde yells,
'You stay out of this, mister!
I'm not talking to you!
I'm talking to that smart mouth little bastard on your knee!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/17/2009
THE MISSIONARY
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and
build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English,
so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief,
"This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says,
"This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of Heavy sexual activity.
The padre is really flustered and quickly responds,
"Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe
how to be civilized and kind to each other....
so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/16/2009
BLONDE JOKE
A guy spent the day walking around town looking for a job.
He finally walked into an adult store.
"Do you have any work for me?" he asked the owner.
The owner smiled and responded,
"You come as if you have been sent from heaven.
I just opened another store and I need for someone to mind this store for me."
"When do I start?" the guy asked.
"Now. I'm leaving for the other store shortly."
The owner explained all the ins and outs and then left.
First to enter the store was a Caucasian woman.
She walked around and stopped at the dildo rack.
"How much for the white dildo?"
"Forty dollars," he said.
"How much for the black dildo?"
"Forty dollars."
"Give me the . . . uh, black one.
I've never had a black one before." She paid and left.
Soon an African-American woman walked in.
She too walked around and stopped at the dildo rack.
"How much for the black dildo?" she asked.
"Forty dollars."
"How much for the white dildo?"
"Forty dollars."
After thinking a moment, the woman said, "Give me the . . . uh, white one.
I've never had a white one before." She paid and left.
Then a Blonde woman walked in.
She walked around and stopped at the dildo rack.
"How much for the white dildo?" she asked.
"Forty dollars."
"How much for the black dildo?"
"Forty dollars."
"And how much for the checkered one on your counter there?"
"Two hundred dollars."
"Give me . . . uh, the checkered one.
I've never had a checkered one before." She paid and left.
Closing time came around and the owner returned.
"How was your first day?"
"Great!" the guy responded.
"I sold a white and a black dildo for forty bucks each,
and I sold your thermos for two hundred."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/15/2009
VIAGRA HI-JACK
Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities....
the first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport....
but was hijacked on the way to the pharmacy distribution warehouse.
Scotland Yard has warned the public to be on the lookout....
for a gang of hardened criminals.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/14/2009
WHAT'S NEW?
There were three men in a bar.
All three were sitting at the bar and one got up to use the bathroom.
The other two men started talking.
One man said,
"So what's new in your life"?
He responded,
" Well I just found out my son got a promotion.
He used to be a janitor at the bank and now he is an executive.
On top of that, he just bought his new lover a brand new Lexus.",
The other man says.
My son also got a promotion and he has decided to settle down.
He bought his new lover a new house on the beach.
The third man comes back from the bathroom.
He looked kind of upset so the other two men asked what's eating him.
He responded,
"I just found out that my son is gay.
The good part is.......
his two lovers bought him a new Lexus and a new house on the beach.",
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/13/2009
THE WASHCLOTH
This little boy walked in on his mom in the bathroom and noticed the hair on
her private area. The little boy asked, "Mommy, what is that?"
She replied, "this is my washcloth."
The little boy went on his way.
One evening the woman and her husband were beginning to make love and he asked
her to do something different and shave her hair off. She agreed.
The next day the little boy walked in on his mother again but this time she didn't have
any hair. So the little boy asked with concern,
"Mommy, what happened to your washcloth?"
She replied, "I lost it."
Later that day the little boy came running up to his mom and said,
"Mommy, I found your washcloth."
She replied confused, "Where did you find it?"
He said, "The lady next door was washing Daddy's face with it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/12/2009
SAM MEETS LEON
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.
He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Wyoming as far from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation....
he's just finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Leon...
Your neighbor from four miles away...
Having a party Saturday...
thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam.
"After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Leon is leaving he stops,
"Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem...
after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
As he starts to leave Leon stops again.
"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says,
"Well, I get along with people.
I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Leon turns from the door.
"I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem," says Sam,
"I've been all alone for six months!
I'll definitely be there...
by the way, what should I wear?"
Leon stops in the door again and says,
"Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/11/2009
20 YEARS IN PRISON
A man is crying in the basement.
In comes his wife.
"WHAT ARE YOU CRYING ABOUT?"!!!!!!!
He replies,
"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were 16?"
"YES, SO WHAT?"
"He said I could marry you or do 20 years in prison."
"YEAH, SO WHAT?"
He wept,
"Today is the day I would have gotten out!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/10/2009
MA AND PA
Ma and Pa are sitting on the front porch swing, rocking.
Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma."
A minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa."
Again, a minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma."
Another minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa."
Yet another minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma."
A minute later, Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa."
A couple of minutes go by, and Pa says to Ma,
"I don't know about you Ma.....
but I just don't get too much out of this oral sex stuff!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/9/2009
IN-FLIGHT MEALS
It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/8/2009
Grandma Buys a Bumper Sticker
Grandma writes:
The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a
"Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did.
What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed.
That bumper sticker really worked!
I found lots of people who love Jesus.
Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy.
He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled,
"Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could.
Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"!
Everyone else started honking too....
so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people.
There must have been a guy from Florida back there....
because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach....
and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant.
They kind of squirmed, looked at each other....
giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign.
So I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that....
they got out of their cars and were walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed,
and I stepped on the gas.
It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection.
I looked back at them standing there.
I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile,
and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love ya all,
Grandma
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/7/2009
VIAGRA Q&A
Q. Did you hear about the guy who choked on viagra?
A. He got a stiff neck!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/6/2009
VIAGRA Q&A
Q. What do you get when you cross Viagra with Rogaine?
A. Don King.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/5/2009
BLONDE'S
~~~~~~ MORE Politically Correct Descriptions ~~~~~~~
1 . She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" .....
She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" ....
She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" ....
She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
4. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" ....
She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
5 . She does not "NAG" you....
She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/4/2009
SCHWARTZ IS DEAD!!
A mortician was working late one night.
It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated......
he made an amazing discovery:
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' said the mortician....
'I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity.'
And with that the mortician used his tools to remove the huge phallus.
The mortician stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife.
'I have something to show you that you won't believe,' he said,
He opened his briefcase.
'Oh my God!' she screamed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/3/2009
BLONDE'S
~~~~~~ NEW Politically Correct Descriptions ~~~~~~~
1. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE".......
She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
2. She is not an "AIRHEAD"......
She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
3. She has not "BEEN AROUND"........
She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
4. She is not a "TRAMP"......
She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/2/2009
THE FROG
A woman is shopping for a pet, as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned
that the prices this pet shop are charging seem very high.
She goes to the clerk and explains her concern.
"Well, I have a frog in the back, that I can let you have for $50,"
the clerk says.
"$50?" the woman replies.
"That seems terribly expensive for a frog.
Well, this frog is worth it.
It's been trained to give oral sex."
The woman is stunned....
but as her husband loves this sort of sex...
and she is not particularly fond of it....
she decides the frog might be a good investment.
She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband,
and explains its special value.
The husband is skeptical,
but promises he'll give the frog a try that night.
The woman goes to sleep...
happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night.
She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen.
She goes downstairs...
and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans,
and pouring over cookbooks.
"What are you doing down here?" she asks.
Her husband responds,
"If I can teach this frog to cook,
you're out of here!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 10/1/2009
The Piggy Bank
As a painless way to save money....
a young couple decided that every time they have sex....
the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank.
One night while being unusually athletic....
he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashes.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins....
there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills.
He asks his wife what's up.
"Well," she replied,
"Not everyone is as cheap as you are."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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