 
NEW Added on 12/31/2009
 HAPPY NEW YEAR
SUPER SEX
A woman, completely fed up with her husband's AOL obsession......
finally takes matters into her own hands.
One night as he is sitting at the computer....
she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes....
puts on a full length fur coat and stands between her husband and his monitor.
She pulls open the coat and yells,
'Time for Super Sex!'
He ignores her.
So, she repeatedly yells,
'Super Sex! Super Sex! Super Sex!'
Finally he replies,
'Okay, I'll take the soup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/30/2009
WOMEN vs MEN
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband
along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror-make mental
note-must do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural
avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red ..
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide
to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you
lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then
sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener
at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you
have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
15. Pee (in the shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because
you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
17. Partially dry off.
18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife,
pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/29/2009
THE WOODPECKER STORY
There were two woodpeckers one Mexican and the other from Canada
who both claimed to be able to peck the hardest wood.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a
hole in the Mexican tree with no problem.
The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck
a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently
used by woodpeckers ).
The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence
that
he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker
successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without
breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the
Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican
woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to
peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently,Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets
harder
when you're away from home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/28/2009
WHO GETS THE COLLECTION MONEY?
A priest, rabbi and televangelist were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf,
and started discussing their weekly collections.
Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection.....
to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.
The rabbi explains:
"I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air.
Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself.
Whatever lands outside the circle, I give to God."
The priest then adds:
"I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I give to God,
and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."
The televangelist then proclaims:
"I also use the same method.
Except, that I toss the money in the air and I figure that whatever God wants....
he can take."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/27/2009
Get The Manager
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to
hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?"
she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands."
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?"
she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't"
breathes the barman - clearly aroused.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is.
I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily,
popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him" she says
"that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/26/2009
"Santas Pickup Lines"
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
2. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
3. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
4. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!
5. Some of my best toys run on batteries.
6. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)
7. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
8. Forget the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!
9. Wanna join My "Mile High" club?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/25/2009
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
A CHRISTMAS STORY
Twas, the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.
No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There'd be no damn reindeer, and no stupid clatter.
There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I'll be alone, just my Dell laptop and me.
I won't race to the window, I'll have no ecstasy.
I'll just sit right here... with Windows XP.
There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.
I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that's about.
As I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.
A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And asked, if I might like to chat for a while.
She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.
She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.
She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight.
He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.
So, she thought she'd use it, "I guess it's all right."
She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How, she was expected to be a good wife.
She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because, she was forced, to do such silly deeds.
She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me...... she was oversexed.
She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.
He's always too busy, and getting too old.
Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her, to have cyber-sex.
I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got *really* good.
After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.
She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.
She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.
She said, only.... on this night, she could be found.
It is only.... this night, her husband leaves town.
She said bye, and signed off... And, I had to pause.
I think I just cybered... with *Mrs.* Santa Claus!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/24/2009
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE XMAS
at The SOPRANO'S HOUSE
'Twas the night before christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin,
Cause I had a gun under da pilla.
When up on da roof,
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window and yelled,
"Yo!, Keep it down."
When what to my wonderin'
eyes should appear,
But the Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer.
Wit' slicked back hair,
and a red silk suit,
Don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought all da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a wack 'side dare heads,
He shouted and swore,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Vinny, Yo Paulie,
Yo Augie, Yo Vito;
Hay Tony, Hay Joey,
Hay Frankie and Guido!"
As I pulled out my gun,
And hid by da bed,
He flew in'da window,
And smacked me in'da head!
"What da hell you doin',
Pullin' a gun on da Don?"
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin moron!"
Den shovin' his finga,
Right under my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he gave dem a beatin'.
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did not expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/23/2009
SANTA AND THE ANGEL
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
It had been a very stressful Christmas Eve for Santa.
Four of his elves were sick, and the trainees couldn't do the work right.
Then Mrs. Claus said that her mother was coming for a visit,
stressing Santa even more.
When he checked on his reindeer.
Three were about to give birth, and two had run off to who knows where.
Santa then decided to get coffee and a shot of whiskey.
But the elves had hit the liquor cabinet and emptied it.
Then the doorbell rang, and Santa cussed under his breath on the way to the door.
There was this little angel carrying a big Christmas tree.
She asked,
"Hey fat man, where would you like me to put this tree?"
And that is the story of how the little angel got to be on top of the Christmas tree.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/22/2009
THE CHRISTMAS DIVORCE
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says,
"I hate to ruin your day,
but I have to tell you that your Mom and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,
so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,
" She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,
"You are NOT getting divorced.
Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says,
"the kids are coming for Christmas and paying their own way."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/21/2009
THE ART EXHIBIT
A Painting at the Museum of Art was questionable........
It depicts three very naked black men....
sitting on a park bench with their penises in plain view.
But while all the men are black,
the one in the middle has a pink penis.
“Excuse me,” the woman says to the exhibit’s curator.
“I am curious about this painting of three African-Americans.
Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?”
“I’m afraid you’ve misinterpreted the painting,” says the curator.
“These men are not African-American;
they’re coal miners,
The middle one went home for lunch."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/20/2009
THE CLOCK SHOP
A man goes into a repair shop to get his watch fixed.
But when he sees that the girl running the store is extremely hot....
he unzips his pants and lays his huge member on the counter.
“Sir, what are you doing? This is a clock shop!”
the shocked girl shouts.
“I know,” he replies.
“I’d like to get a pair of hands and a face put on this.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/19/2009
IN THE BAR
A burly Irishman is drinking in a bar.
A tiny gay fellow sits beside him.
After a few beers, the gay guy whispers,
“Do you want a blow job?”
The gigantic man flips out, roars in anger,
and tosses the little guy out of the bar, then returns to his stool.
The shocked bartender says,
“I’ve never seen you react like that.
What did that guy say?”
“I Dunno, Something about a job.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/18/2009
IN THE HOSPITAL
A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation....
is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.
A man in a white coat approaches her....
he lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body.
He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat.
The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination.
When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently,
“These examinations are fine,
but when are you going to start the operation?”
He shrugs and says,
“Your guess is as good as mine, lady.
We’re just here to paint the halls.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/17/2009
VINTAGE WINE
A guy tries to impress his date with his knowledge of wine.
He tells the wine steward to bring a bottle of....
1985 Sterling Cabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros district.
After tasting it, the young man berates the steward.
"This is a 1992 from the Diamond Creek vineyard in the Mayacamas range.
Please bring me what I ordered."
Watching from the bar....
an old drunk comes up to the table with a glass in his hand and says,
"Can you tell me what this is?"
Winking at his date, the young man sips from the drunk’s glass.
"Christ, this tastes like piss!" he exclaims, spitting it out.
"Yeah," says the drunk,
"but what year?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/16/2009
COUNTRY STYLE
A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country.
As he’s retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him,
claiming that since the duck is on his farm,
it technically belongs to him.
After a few minutes of arguing,
the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."
"What’s country style?" asks the city boy.
"Out here in the country," the farmer says,
"when two fellers have a dispute,
one feller kicks the other one in the groin as hard as he can.
Then that feller, kicks the first one as hard as he can.
And so forth.
Last man standin’ wins the dispute."
Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself.
The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might.
The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he’s ever felt,
coughing up blood.
Finally he staggers to his feet and says,
"All right, n-now it’s–it’s m-my turn."
The farmer grins.
"Aw, hell, you win.
Keep the duck."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/15/2009
IN THE NAVY
A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy.....
he’s going to be stationed a long way from home.....
on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years.
A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife,
so he writes her a letter.
"My darling," he writes,
"it looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time.
Already I’m starting to miss you....
and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls.
The temptation’s terrible.
I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."
His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading,
"Why don’t you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife.
"Darling" he says,
"I can’t wait to get home so that we can make passionate love!"
But she stops him with a wave of her hand.
"First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/14/2009
MORE BLONDE JOKES
Q: Why do Blondes wear ponytails?
A: To hide the valve stem!
Q: How do you change a Blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.
Q: What is it called when a Blonde blows in another Blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: What do you call 10 Blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: How do you change a Blonde's mind?
A: Buy her another drink.
Q: What does a Blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
Q: What's the mating call of a Blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of an ugly Blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: Why do Blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why do Blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/13/2009
HORSE AND BUGGY
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when
she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning.
You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across
the horse's back and around one of his testicles.
I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals.
Have your husband take care of that right away."
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
"I'm not sure, Jacob,... something about the emergency brake."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/12/2009
MORTGAGE PROBLEMS
One day little Johnny went to his father....
and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday...
Johnny's father said,
"Johnny, we have a $200,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle?
Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.
The father said,
"Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that....
Ask me again some other time."
Well, about two days later....
the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.
The father asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said,
"Yesterday I was walking past your room....
and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said....
that you should wait because she was coming too....
and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $200,000 mortgage!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/11/2009
BLONDE ONE LINERS - Part 2
Q: What do you call a dead Blonde in a closet?
A: The 1999 Hide and Seek World Champion.
Q: How does a Blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: What do you do when a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Q: What is the Blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why did the Blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for two hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: Why did the Blonde bake a chicken for three and a half days?
A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed
125.
Q: Why did the Blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.
Q: What's the difference between Elvis and smart Blondes?
A: Elvis has been sighted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/10/2009
THE VACUUM CLEANER SALESMAN
A little old lady answered a knock on the door,
only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner...
"Good morning," said the young man.
"If I could take a couple minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady.
"I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said.
"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure all over her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet.....
Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said,
"I hope you've got a good appetite....
because the electricity was cut off this morning."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/9/2009
BLONDE ONE LINERS - Part 1
Q: Whats a Blonde's idea of safe sex ? .......
A: Locking the car door.
Q: What do you call a Blonde virgin?...........
A: Non existant.
Q: Why did the Blonde have a sore belly button ? ...........
A: Her boyfriend was also Blonde.
Q: What does a Blonde put behind her ears to attract men?........
A: Her ankles.
Q: What do you give the Blonde that has everything?...........
A: Penicillin.
Q: How can you tell if your Blonde wife is dead ?.........
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Q: How do you fit four Blondes on a bar stool?................
A: Flip it over.
Q: Whats the difference between when a guy talks dirty to you and when a Blonde talks dirty to you?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: Did you hear about the new paint called Blonde?..........
A: It's not very bright but spreads easily.
Q: Why was the Blonde disappointed with her trip to England?........
A: She found out that Big Ben is just a clock.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/8/2009
CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods.
As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages,
e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."
One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message:
"I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/7/2009
THE UNIQUE GIFT
A few days before Christmas,
a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.
The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for!
A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.
He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.
The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty,
but he doesn't seem to be much for singing.
The manager tells him to watch as he pulls out a lighter.
The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot.
Immediately Chet starts singing;
"Silent Night, Holy Night."
The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities....
and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot.
Chet now starts to sing
"Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."
The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.
The husband rushes home to his wife....
and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately.
He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings
"Silent Night."
He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of
"Jingle Bells."
The wife is absolutely impressed,
and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens
if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.
Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs,
and the bird begins to sing.......
Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/6/2009
THE BARTENDER
Stuck in a strange city by bad weather, the drinker was bored.
He sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to bartender and said,
'Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . . '
'Stop -- I don't permit talk about politics in my bar!' interrupted the bartender.
A few minutes later the gent tried again, 'People say that the Pope ... '
'No religion talk, either,' the bartender cut in.
One more try to break the boredom...' I thought the Yankees would...'
'No sports talk... That's how fights start in bars.' the barman said.
'Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?'
'Sure.'
'Then go screw yourself !'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/5/2009
THE FIVE FLOORS
A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-story hotel
with a sign that reads "For Women Only".
Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to go in.
The Doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works,
"We have 5 floors.
Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there.
It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside.
The only rule is, once you leave a floor, you can't return to it."
The women talk it over and decide to go for it.
They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads
"All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind".
The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the Second floor reads
"All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly".
This wasn't going to do so again they head for the stairs.
The friends move up to the Third floor where the sign reads
"All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women."
This was good but there were still two more floors...
So on to the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect.
"All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women;
are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight"
The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see
what the fifth floor has to offer.
When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads:
"There are no men here.
This floor was built only to prove that there is simply no way to please a woman."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/4/2009
HOW TO DRIVE YOUR WIFE CRAZY
Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.
Answer all her questions with a question.......
preferably one on a totally different subject.
Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
Shrink her jeans and when she thinks that she's gaining weight......
give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.
Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia....
when your original destination was California.
Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.
Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.
Never give her a straight answer.
Take up yodeling and practice a lot.
Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments....
(Argh! Argh! Argh!)
Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
Answer every question with "Yes, dear."
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NEW Added on 12/3/2009
White Child
One day the African chief's wife gave birth to a white child.....
the chief was absolutely stunned.
He suspected some hanky panky....
and went to the white Jesuit missionary father
and looked at him suspiciously.
"You have been sleeping with my wives,"
he accused the white father,
who looked very uncomfortable.
The Jesuit, tried to wriggle out of the difficult situation....
by trying to explain Mendel's laws of genetics to the wrathful chief.
"You see that herd of sheep," he said pointing to the chief's herd,
"Most of them are white; but you will also notice 2 black lambs among them."
"OK! OK!" said the chief.
"You keep your mouth shut and so will I."
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NEW Added on 12/2/2009
BLONDE JOKES
Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
Q: Why did the Blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: Why did the Blonde nurse bring a red marker to work?
A: In case she had to draw blood!
Q: Why should Blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: Why aren't Blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!
Q: What did the Blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
Q: Why are only 2% of Blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.
Q: How can you tell which Blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
Q: What did the Blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her name tag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute....
What did you name the other one ?"
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NEW Added on 12/1/2009
BILLY BOB
One day Billy Bob goes to town wearing nothing but his boots.
The sheriff spots him and asks,
"What the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy Bob. replies, "Well sheriff, it's a long story.
Me and Mary Lou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin'.
Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did.
Inside the barn we started a-kissin' and a-cuddlin' and things got pretty hot.
Then, all of a sudden, Mary Lou took off all her clothes and said I should take off mine, too.
So I took off all my clothes, 'cept for my boots.
Mary Lou lay on the haybale and opened her legs and then, she said,
"Billy Bob, Now you can go to town!"
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