 THE WELFARE OFFICEabout her Welfare claim on the basis that she has 8 children and no job. The social worker asks for the childrens' names. "OK," says the mother, "There's Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne." "Heavens," cries the social worker, "isn't that a bit confusing?" "Not at all, it's very simple, when I want them all to do something I just call out WAYNE...... and they all come running." "But what about when you want one to do something individually?" "Simple, I just use their last names..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LOTTERYruns into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!” The wife says, “Ohmigod! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” The husband yells back, “It doesn’t matter….. just get the hell out!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARThe man walks straight up to the bar while his monkey companion jumps on a nearby pool table grabs a pool ball and swallows it whole. The bartender, shocked, asks the man “Why in the hell did he do that?” The man replies, “He always eats things whole.” Two days latter the same man with his monkey go into the same bar. This time the monkey follows the man to the bar. The monkey grabs a peanut off the bar.... sticks it up his ass and then eats it. The bartender shocked at this asks, “Why did he stick it up his ass first?” The man replies, “Ever since the pool ball he makes sure everything will fit.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SALES CONTESTand so the owner summons his two-man sales force into his office. “Things aren’t going too well, guys,” he announced grimly. “So to perk up sales I’m announcing a Sales Contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job.” “What does the loser get?” asked one of the salesmen. The owner looked at both men and said, “The loser gets to give it.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Thanks to Ben & Melinda in Dallas) WOMEN & SHOPPINGShe began her day finding the most perfect shoes at the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale at the second. At the third shop everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and was in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get to a couple more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!” The woman was feeling so guilty, she broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, “I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICEThe doc tells him to wait in the examination room. Once inside, the man notices three items on the desk: a tube of K-Y Jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. When the doctor comes in, the man says, “Look, Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for … but what’s the beer doing there?” The doctor looks at the beer and turns red with anger. “Nurse,” he screams. “I said a butt light!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE HONEYMOONready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.” The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.” The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?” “Tiger Woods.” “Tiger Woods the golfer?” “Yeah.” “Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.” The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. “What are you doing?” asks his wife. The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that!” she says. “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?” “He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.” The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “What are you doing?” she asks. The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that,” again she claims. “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?” “He’d come back to bed and do it a third time.” The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed. When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?” “No! I’m calling Tiger Woods..... to find out what’s par for this damn hole!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MONDAY SICKNESSOn Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today, I'm sick." He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday.... he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend.... and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries.... one thing leads to another.... and the next thing you know.... I'm making love to her." The boss says, "You are having sex with your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE"Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." The doctor pauses to think.... and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. The Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life." Probing as to the causes of possible stress.... the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week.... and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago.... I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job.... and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason. But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!" So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch some porno flicks and munch on.... Cheetos!!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE NURSING HOMEand the old man says, "I bet you can't guess how old I am." The old woman says, "Okay, unzip your pants." The old man unzips his pants.... and the woman sticks here hand in and plays around for a minute, she pulls her hand out and says, "you're 89." The old man looks at her increduously and asks, "how did you know that?" The old woman says, "you told me yesterday!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE NEW FERRARIa brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there sonny?” The young man replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!” “That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “ Why does it cost so much?” “Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?” “No problem,” replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right — but I’ll stick with my moped!” Just then the light changes.... so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him, going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror.... and sees the old man gaining on him again! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal.... and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh, my word! Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man whispers with his dying breath, “Unhook…my…suspenders…from…your…side-view mirror.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUNKA cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?” “I’ve been to a bar,” slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.” “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PORCHin the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. “Grandpa, what are you doing?” he exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance without answering. “Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asks again. The old man slowly looks at him and says, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE APPOINTMENT“Not tonight, dear,” she says. “I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow.” The husband rolls over and tries to go to sleep. A few minutes later, he turns back and again starts caressing her back. “Honey, stop,” she says. “I told you I have to go to the gynecologist in the morning.” “I know," he answers. “But you don’t have to go to the dentist, do you?” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CEOwhen he finds the CEO standing in front of the shredder.... with a piece of paper in her hand. "Listen," says the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," says the young executive. He turns the machine on, puts the paper in, and hits the start button. "Thanks." says the CEO as her paper disappears inside the machine. "I just need one copy." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE WITCH DOCTORThe witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, “I have placed a powerful spell on you.... but it will only work once a year. Just say ‘one, two, three’ and you’ll get the largest erection you’ve ever had. After your wife’s been satisfied.... simply say ‘one, two, three, four’ and it will disappear for 12 months.” Later that night as the man is lying in bed.... he says to his wife, “Watch this! One, two, three!” His schlong becomes larger and stiffer than ever before. His wife is amazed. She smiles and says, “That’s great! But what did you say ‘one, two, three’ for?” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 5 ALARM FIREand the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour..... the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!" The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck.... filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig..... and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas. The company president walks over to reward the volunteers. "What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group. The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "The first thing we’re going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SUICIDE!!Down at the docks, a handsome young sailor notices her tears and says, "Hey, you’ve got a lot to live for. All you need is a new start. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slips his arm around her shoulders and adds, "I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy." She agrees...... The sailor brings her aboard that night and hides her in a lifeboat. Every night he brings her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit.... they then make passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she is discovered by the ship’s captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asks. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explains. "He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me." "He sure is, lady," says the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DIVORCEDand they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska.... and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies, he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys asked, "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this." They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you.... and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left. The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?" "Yeah," said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I shot him," said the guy. "Why?" "I caught him in bed with my board!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ OLD COUPLE IN HEAVENdied together in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years.... mainly due to her interest in health food and proper diet. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their luxury mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen.... master bedroom suite.... and a fancy in-house jacuzzi. The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'It's free,' St. Peter replied, 'this is Heaven.' Next, they went out the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home faced upon. They would have golfing privileges every day. In addition, it changed to a new one daily.... representing the greatest golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, 'So, what are the green fees?' St. Peter replied, 'This is Heaven, you play for free!' Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.... with the best cuisine of the World laid out. 'How much to eat?' asked the old man. 'Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!!' St. Peter replied with some exasperation. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?' the old man asked timidly. In a forceful voice, St. Peter said, 'That's the best part,you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like.... and you never get fat and you never get sick -- this is Heaven!' With that, the old man went into a fit of anger.... throwing down his halo, screaming wildly and taking the Lord's name in vain. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong. The old man glared at his wife and said, 'This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 20 years ago!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKEThe receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week." The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week." The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CIRCUSWhen his father goes to buy popcorn, the boy asks, "Mom, what’s that long thing on the elephant?" "That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear," she replies. "No, Mom. Down underneath." His mother blushes and says, "Oh, that’s nothing." The father returns and the mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question. "That’s the elephant’s trunk, son." "Dad, I know what an elephant’s trunk is...... The thing down there." The father says, "Oh, that’s the elephant’s penis." "Dad," the son asks, "how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" The man takes a deep breath and explains, "Son, I’ve spoiled that woman." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE VIRGINand tells his dad about a wonderful girl he’s met. “Dad, she’s fantastic. She’s smart, in great shape, and she’s getting her teaching certificate this spring. I’m going to ask her to marry me, but…” “But what, son?” asks the father. “She’s a virgin.” The father scratches his beard and says, “Son, if she ain’t good enough for her own family.... she damn sure ain’t good enough for ours.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE GARDEN“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked. “They’re mating,” her father replied. “What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked. “That’s a daddy longlegs.” her father answered. “So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?” the little girl asked. “No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy longlegs.” The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. “Well, we’re not having that sort of shit in our garden.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CHEATING WIFEIncensed, he drags the man out to the garage and puts his johnson in a vise. He secures it and removes the vise handle, then picks up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screams, "Stop! Stop! You’re not going to…to…cut it off, are you?" The husband shakes his head and hands him the hacksaw. "Nope—you are. I’m just going to set the garage on fire." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE COMPUTER BUSINESSActual dialog of a Windows Customer Support employee:"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Windows XP." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along..... and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in Windows XP, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. "Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great! Follow the cord to the plug..... and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." "Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor..... did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it..... not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me..... and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle..... it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes...... the office light is off...... and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power.......... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good! Go get them...... unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them................... you're too stupid to own a computer." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BOY AND GIRLdoing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier but....... I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver.... and the fare back to town is $25." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEShe asks the clerk, “How much?” He doesn’t hear her correctly and says “Come again?” She giggles and says “No…it’s just mustard this time.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ St. PETERa couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting for St. Peter. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.' and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months... and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?' St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informed the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.' 'Great,' said the couple, 'but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?', asked the frightened couple. St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKEto show it off to his colleagues. As he got out of the car.... a truck came along too close and completely tore off from the driver's door. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and called 911. It wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. By the time the policeman approached him, the lawyer was screaming hysterically. His car, which he had just picked up that day, was now completely ruined. It would never be the same no matter how hard they tried to fix it. After the lawyer finally calmed down, the policeman shook his head in disgust and disbelief. 'I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,' he said. 'You are so worried about your possessions that you didn't notice anything else.' 'How can you say such a thing?' asked the lawyer indignantly. The policeman replied, 'Didn't you realize that your left arm is missing?? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.' The lawyer looked down in absolute horror, 'DAMN!' he screamed, 'MY ROLEX!!!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOUBLE MARTINIand orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket .... and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket.... before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
