 LITTLE JOHNNY(Thanks to Jerry F. in Dallas) The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'. Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.' The teacher sat down and cried. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DAVE'S NIGHT OUTDave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?" Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWO DOCTORS'I am so ashamed I have started an affair with one of my patients,' said one. 'That's OK we all do it.,' the other replied. 'But this is different!,' insisted the first. 'Why all doctors have sex with there patients!' 'Yes,' replied the first. 'But I am a Vet' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SUPERBOWLHe had won his ticket in a drawing earlier that week. Once inside the stadium his excitement began to fade as he realized that his seat was right at the back of the stadium, behind a great big pillar. Frustrated, Dave searched the rows in front of him and saw an empty seat on the 50 yard line. He approached the man and asked if the seat was taken. 'No, sit down,' replied the old man. 'But...' said Dave, amazed at his luck, 'how could anyone pass up a seat like this? You've got the best view in the stadium.' 'That was my wife's seat,' The older gentleman responded. 'We've been to every Superbowl for the past twenty-five years, but recently she passed away...' 'Oh,' said Dave, 'I'm sorry to hear that. But couldn't you find a friend or a relative to come with you?' 'No,' the old man said, 'They're all at the funeral.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE EGGSThe farmer says, "You can spend the night but you'll have to share a room with my beautiful daughter." "Oh, I don't mind that," exclaims the salesman. "Just one thing," says the farmer. "No funny business." "Oh no sir," says the salesman. "You can count on me." Just to be safe, the farmer builds a wall of eggs between the two beds in the daughter's room. In the middle of the night, the salesman can no longer control himself, busts through the eggs and has his way with the farmer's daughter. They take the rest of the night piecing the eggs back together one by one and rebuilding the wall. The next morning, the farmer goes to his daughter's room and takes a couple eggs to the kitchen to make breakfast. Cracking open the first egg, of course, produces nothing. Cracking open the second egg, likewise. The farmer pokes his head out the window and yells, "OK, which one of you roosters is using a condom?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DORIS IS DEADand asks if he can place an obituary notice for his deceased wife. The receptionist says it's no problem, and it will cost him $5.00 per word. She gives him the form to complete, and he spends a moment or two filling it in. He hands it over to her, along with fifteen dollars.... and when she reads it, it says simply, 'Doris is dead.' 'Oh, that's awful' she says 'but why only the three words?' 'That's all I can afford' he replies. She looks quite upset, and says 'Just let me have a word with the Editor, see what I can do'. After a moment or two she comes back and tells him.... the Editor says he can have another three words free of charge. So he takes the form back and scribbles down some more, before passing it back to her. She picks the form up and reads it: 'Doris is dead, Plymouth for sale.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ARTIFICIAL PARTStransplants and artificial body parts. "They'll make men an artificial wiener next," the wife said. "Never!" replied the husband. "There are some things you can't make. Besides, what would you make it from?" "Iron," she told him. "Don't be stupid, woman. It'd rust." "Ok, brass then," she insisted. "That's ridiculous," scoffed the husband. "Men would never be able to keep it clean." "Not True!, She replied. "I've watched you polish yours while watching porno videos for years!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE INSURANCE CLAIM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEhorrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside. She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?" He says, "That's the sound of the new angels.... getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos." She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell." St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized." She says, "That's okay.... at least they won't need to drill any holes for that." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BEGGARSCarlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day. Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills to spend. "Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?" Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?" Carlos' sign reads: a wife and six kids to support. "What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him. "No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!" Carlos says, "Alright, so what does your sign say?" Jose's sign reads: to get back to Mexico ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PLUMBERwhen an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the bathroom.... and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat down, she kept going! She was just the right size and shape.... and became jammed in the toilet.... with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in.... and for the next hour tried desperately to free her. In this process, they removed her sleeping gown.... but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber.... despite the embarrassing nature of their problem. When the plumber arrived, the husband let him in.... and realized that his wife was exposed in a humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber.... and placed his yarmulke skull cap, over his wife's exposed privates. The plumber walked into the bathroom.... took one look, and commented: "Well, I think I can save your wife.... but the Rabbi's a goner." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BETHe sits down and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 that if you put a shot glass at that end of the bar, I could stand at the other end and fill it up with my urine." Well the bartender thinks, "That's an easy $100." So he says "Okay." The guy gets on top of the bar and pees everywhere, even on the bartender. Well, the bartender doesn't care, he just won $100. So very happily the bartender asks for his money. The guy very happily says, "Here you go!" The bartender then asks, "Why are you so happy?" And the guy says, "Well, do you see that guy at the other end of the bar? I bet him $1000 that I could pee on you and you would be happy!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ACCIDENTwhere the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. They decided that they would tell no one about where the skin came from... and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband.... and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GENDER REVERSALseveral years before the War.... and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Iraq recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" The Iraqi women replied, "Land mines." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE TRAIN RIDEin a train carriage going through the French countryside Suddenly, the train went through a tunnel and, being one of the older-style trains with no carriage lighting, it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing sound, followed by the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had a nasty red slap mark on his face. The Frenchman was thinking..... 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking...,. 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the English fella and got slapped for it'. The English fella was thinking..... 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French jackass again' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BARBER SHOP'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looks around the shop and says, 'About two hours.' The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, 'How long before I get a haircut?' The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, 'About two hours.' The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looks around the shop an says, 'About an hour and a half.' The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, 'Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.' A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, 'Bill, where did he go when he left here?' Bill looked up and said, 'To your house.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MIDGEThe wanted to have some fun.... but none of the girls wanted to take him upstairs. So they drew straws. Suzy was the unlucky girl who got the longest straw. She took the midget by the hand like a child and lead him upstairs. A few minutes passed and the other girls heard a scream. They ran upstairs to see what was the matter with Suzy. They opened the door to find Suzy passed out on the floor.... and the midget standing naked on the bed with a 3 foot long penis! The women where dumbfounded! Finally one of them said "excuse me sir, do you mind if we touch that?" The midget replied "no way. I don't want another erection!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRINKER'What'll you have?' The guy answers, 'A scotch, please.' The bartender hands him the drink, and says, 'That'll be five dollars,' to which the guy replies, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.' A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation.... then says to the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer.... which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.' The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, 'Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.' The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!' The guy says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!' The bartender replies, 'I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.' To which the guy replies, 'Thank you.... Make it a scotch.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE POPEwhen he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pope. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out off his bag.... and began working on it. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance. Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman.... that ends in 'unt'? The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description.... and he was not about to say it to the Pope. The gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DEAF BOOKKEEPER(Thanks to Ben in Dallas) A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. The Don assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DEPRESSION(Thanks to Jerry F. in Dallas) I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MORE BLONDES REVENGE ON BRUNETTESBrown-bagging it. WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE? No one else wants it. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES? Invisible. WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES? The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable. WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY? The invitation. WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE? A hostage. WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES? Fisher-Price WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR? It matches their mustache. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEA man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the next floor and once the doors close, one Blonde turns to the other and says, 'Someone should give him Head & Shoulders.' The other Blonde replies, 'How do you give shoulders?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUNK1/2 Pint of Milk, 1 Carton of Eggs, 1 Bottle of Orange Juice, 1 lb. Pack of Bacon. As she was unloading her items to check out.... a drunk standing behind her watched.... as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "you must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her items and saw nothing unusual.... that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied.... "cause you're ugly." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDES REVENGE ON BRUNETTESA brunette who's told too many Blonde jokes. WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS? So brunettes can remember them. WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL? "Has the Blonde left yet? " WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR? When was the last time you saw a Blonde witch? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CAMPING TRIPEarly in the morning, while Jim is still sleeping, a snake bites his penis! He panics, and John panics. "What can we do?" After talking it over, they decide that Jim should stay where he is, and Johnny should go for help. So Johnny goes into town to the local doctors office. "Doctor, My friend is bitten by a snake. What do we do?" "What kind of snake was it?" "It was about three feet long, sort of green and yellow." "Whoa boy. Those are very dangerous!" "What can we do?" "The only thing you can do is suck the poison out.... Otherwise your friend will die!" So Johnny goes back to his friend and starts packing up his gear. Jim says, "Well, what did the doctor say?" Johnny says, "You're going to die." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICEall the things around the house that he used to do. After the exam, he says, “Now, doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what the hell’s wrong with me.” “In layman’s terms, you’re lazy,” says the doctor. “OK. Now give me a medical term.... so I can tell my wife.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUNKThe man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick.... and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's caused by loose living.... being with cheap, wicked women.... too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said.... nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
