 THREE GENERATIONSA 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 24 HOURS TO LIVEA man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees. They make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees, they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only eight hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder, asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.' She says, 'Of course, dear.' They make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to four more hours. He taps his wife, who awakes. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could . . . .' At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CATHOLIC LADIESThe first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace." The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her tea in silence........ the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?" So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", Chippendales dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOPEYwhen Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him." The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!" The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?" Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Antarctica?" The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Antarctica." The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!" The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, midget black nuns in Antarctica?" The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Antarctica." At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE COWBOYUnfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna have to do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said............ "I had to walk home." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SPEAK of MEN - POLITICALLY CORRECTHe has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY." 2.. He is not a "BAD DANCER" He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN." 3.. He is not "BALDING" He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION." 4.. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS." 5.. He is not "HORNY" He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SPEAK of WOMEN-POLITICALLY CORRECTShe is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE." 2 . She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEA. Pregnant. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PILOTAfter it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!' Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' A passenger said, 'That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SNAIL"What the hell are you supposed to be?" the boss asked. "I'm a snail," the man replied. "What a load of crap!" his boss said. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?" "You've got it wrong," the man replied. "That's Michelle." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEFiremen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the Redhead is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!" "No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde. "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away, we love Blondes!" "Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SEX POSITIONSfor married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOCTORS ASSISTANT(Thanks to Ben in Dallas) A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver... and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read: "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination." "The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana ." "Good grief; is that where the job is?" "No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DIVERT YOUR COURSE!!ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DONNY & BOBthere were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Donny and the other was Bob. Donny had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Bob had no success. Bob: "Donny! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?" Donny: "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret..... just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public." Bob: "OK. Its a deal." Donny: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach.... I take one and put it in my Speedos bathing suit. When the women see it they come running from miles around." Bob: "That's it? I can do that." The next day.... Bob went over to the produce stand.... and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedos. As he walked out onto the beach.... he noticed that women AND men began to take notice of him. "Its working, he thought." But soon he began to realize that.... they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him. He rushed over to Donny and asked, "Donny, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?" Donny: "Because your supposed to put the potato in the front." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CHAMPAGNEnotices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He tells the waiter to send over the most expensive bottle of champagne.... knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl.... saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle.... you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in liquid assets, and 8 inches in your pants." Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage.... I have well over $TWO million in assets, but I have no intention of cutting off TWO inches! Send the bottle back." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEA: She picks up her purse and goes home. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE GOOD WIFEBernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says.... "Annabel before I die I have to tell you something". She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it?" He starts,"The first year we were together.... I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health." To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash.... it was you by my side who kept me going. When our kids grew up and ran away from home.... you sat with me and comforted me! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time. Annabel You've been through everything with me." Bernie says, "So before I die I just want you to know you're a godam jinx!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEThe redhead bets the Blonde $50 that the guy in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet," the Blonde replied. A few minutes later, the newscaster reports that the guy had, indeed, jumped from the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident... turns to the Blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50. "No, a bet's a bet," the Blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars." The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies.... "No, you don't understand, I saw the 5:00 early edition.... so I knew how it was going to turn out." "That's okay," the Blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LOVE DRESSShe rang the doorbell and stepped into the house..... She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. 'What are you doing?' she asked. 'I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work,' the daughter-in-law answered. 'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed. 'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained. 'Love dress? But you're naked!' 'My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave.... he will be home from work any minute.' The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered...... put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door. 'What are you doing?' he asked. 'This is my love dress,' she replied. Husband: 'Needs ironing!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORAfterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him.... that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancée has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before." The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?" "Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE JUMPERwhen he sees a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying. "Hey," he says, "if you're going to jump, how about giving me a little head before you do it?" "My life's been nothing but crap," says the girl. "So I might as well." After the girl's done, the guy says, "Wow, that was great! Why are you so depressed, anyway?" The girl replies, "My family disowned me for dressing like a woman." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PINOCCHIOdoing what girls and wooden boys do. Later, as they were cuddling, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, "What's the matter, baby?" Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love, you give me splinters." This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice from his creator, Gepetto. When Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering him, and asked him what was the matter. As Pinocchio revealed his dilemma, Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to.... "smooth" out Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way. Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while.... and therefore assumed that the sandpaper.... had solved all of Pinocchio's problems. A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So Pinocchio, things must be going pretty good with the girls." To which Pinocchio replied, "GIRLS? WHO NEED GIRLS???" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ JESUS IS WATCHING YOUHe's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. - "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?" The parrot answers "Yes I did". So the burglar says , "What's your name"? The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?" The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CELL PHONESuddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings, a man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: 'Hello?' 'Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?' 'Yes.' 'Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?' 'What's the price?' 'Only $1,500.00' 'Well, OK, go ahead if you like it that much...' 'Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price and since we need to trade in the BMW that we bought last year.' 'What price did he quote you?' 'Only $80,000...' 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.' 'Great!, before we hang up, something else.' 'What?' 'It might sound like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and.... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and.... I saw the house we had looked at last year - it's been reduced! Remember? The one with the pool, Tennis Court, beach front property...' 'How much are they asking?' 'Only $1,500,000. A magnificent price and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it!' 'Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just offer $1,400,000. OK?' 'OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!' 'Bye, I love you, too!' The man hangs up, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present. 'Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE WEDDINGmeets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden." "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!," replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children!" "What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!" "Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!" "Doggy style?" "Sure! Another mitzvah!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!" "Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!" "Can we do it standing up?" "NO, NO, NO!" cries the rabbi. "Why not?" asks the man. "It could lead to dancing." ............ ;-) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE TAXI(Thanks to Y-Wait Express in Dallas) A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank. Passenger: 'Who?' Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.' Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.' Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.' Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special. Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right. Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.' Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.' Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?' Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his widow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONDOMSwhen the boy noticed the condom display. He said, "Daddy, what are those?" His father replied, "Those are condoms son and they are used for safe sex". The boy said,"oh, ok, I've heard of that in school". He noticed the three pack and said to his father, "Daddy, who uses those". His father replied, "Those are for high school boys.... one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday" Then the boy looked at the six pack and said, "Daddy, who uses those". His father replied, "Son, those are for college boys. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday". "Oh" the boy says. Then the boy looks at a big twelve pack and says, "and Daddy, who uses these". His father looks at him one last time and says, "son, those are for married men, One for January....one for February.... one for March....... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEThe cop walked up to her and asked, "Lady, why are you driving so recklessly?" The Blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go.... there's always a tree in front of me and.... I can't get away from the tree!" The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, it's your air freshener!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MALE PROSTITUTEThe Shady Lady Bordello, outside of Las Vegas, hired the first Nevada authorized Male Prostitute for women... This is his reported Price List. For: $50.00...... He will talk dirty to you. $100.00...... He will have sex with you. $500.00...... He will listen to you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CHICKEN AND THE HORSEthe horse fell into a mud hole and couldn't get out. He called out to the chicken and said 'help, help go and get the farmer I can't get out and I'm sinking in further. The chicken runs up to the farm house.... and tries to get the farmer but he isn't around. Being a quick thinking chick, she ran and got the farmer's Mercedes and drove it to the mud hole. She then tied a rope to the bumper and threw it to the horse.... and she pulled him out with the Mercedes. The horse was very grateful ! A week or so later the chicken fell into the very same mud hole. She called out to the horse and he came running she said 'Help! Go and get the farmer. I can't get out'. The horse then straddled over the mud hole.. and told the chick to hang on to the 'thingy' between his legs. She did and he managed to pull her out. The morale of the story . . . . You don't need a Mercedes to pick up a chick . . . . you just need to be hung like horse ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
