 HAPPY 84th BIRTHDAY Friday April 9th  HORSE'S ASSappeared on the television... After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, former Vice President Cheney appeared on the television. "He's a horse's ass too," said the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 22 Reasons Not To Have KidsFor those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan...... .... the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing.... .....Batman underwear and a Superman cape. .....It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room. 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. ....When using the ceiling fan as a bat, .....you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. .....A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh", it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though.... ...... a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. 10. Certain Lego's can pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old. 11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, ..... you still can't walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though.... ....TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. 18. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 19. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 20. Always look in the oven before you turn it on....... ...... Plastic toys do not like ovens. 21. The fire department in Austin (Texas) has a 5 minute response time. 22. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. .....It will, however, make cats dizzy..... ...... and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MAY DECEMBERBecause her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that Morris could overexert himself. After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they make love. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover Morris." Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says, "I was here already?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GOT ANY CRACKERS?Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, 'got any crackers?' the bartender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers? Bar tender says, 'I told you yesterday and the day before yerterday, NO! and if you ask that one more time Ill nail your beak shut!' Duck walks out. Duck comes back the next day and asks, 'got any nails?' the bartender says no. Duck says 'good. Got any crackers?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE NEW HOOKERWhen she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans..... all gathered around to hear the details. She said "Well, he was a big muscular and handsome sailor." "Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked. She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much. So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either. Finally I said, well how much do you have? The sailor said that he only had $25. So I told him for $25 all I can do is service you by hand. He agreed and after getting the $25., he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand." "Oh my god!" they all exclaimed, "It must have been huge. Then what did you do?" "I loaned him $75!" she said. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RALPH THE CHICKENRalph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph..' Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 'Never,' said Ralph. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster . 'It's no big deal.' Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg , he felt a smack on the back of his head..... and heard his wife yell..... "Ralph! Wake up. You just crapped in the bed!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NUNS IN HEAVENThey're all at the Pearly Gates... St Peter asks the first nun, "Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The nun giggles and replies, "Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate. St Peter asks the next nun the same question. "Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The nun is a little reluctant but replies "Well I once fondled and stroked one..." St Peter says, "OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate..." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion as one nun pushes her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front St Peter says "Sister, what seems to be the rush?" The nun replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MARTIAN LOVEThey meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q&AA: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact a that they've been in the SAME GODDAMN CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, THREE DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT, AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!# % LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE FUCKING HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE HOSPITALThe operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun asked. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God." "Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE NEW BABYIt was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so. The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the new baby. "Spank him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (HAPPY 58th BIRTHDAY To Ben in Dallas) THE DOCTORA few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE COURTROOMI know you, don't I? Defendant: Uh, yes sir. Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you? Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you? Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me. Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE TRAINThe four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my sexy legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her beautiful sexy legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my creamy white thighs," they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to the top of her creamy white thighs, exposing her flimsy white panties. Then the young girl says, "If you each give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis. " All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DENTIST OFFICEThe wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, show me which tooth it is. The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SUCCESS IS .......At age 12 success is having friends. At age 16 success is having a drivers license. At age 20 success is having sex. At age 35 success is having money. At age 50 success is having money. At age 60 success is having sex. At age 70 success is having a drivers license. At age 75 success is having friends. At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEIn the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of Blondes laying sod across the street. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARHe proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'. 'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'. Anxious to know more..... the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dog looks at her and does nothing....... The man then shouts to the dog...... 'OK, Just ONE more time..... let me show you how it's done". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SPEAK of MEN - POLITICALLY CORRECTHe "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE ROUTES AND DESTINATIONS." 2. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL." 3. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION." 4. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" He has "SWINE EMPATHY." 5. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED." 6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants It's "REAR CLEAVAGE. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GEORGE W BUSHHe concludes by saying: "Yesterday......3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion......... nervously watching as the President sits, his head in his hands. Finally, Bush looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The ROTTWEILERwas mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rottweiler was really humping away and the lady was.... frantically trying to break them up, to no avail. A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rottweilers butt, and the action immediately stopped. The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked. The little boy said, "That's my dog! He can dish it out, but he can't take it!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HAPPY 84th BIRTHDAY HEF ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DADDY'S JOB"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She is a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a six-year-old?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DUCKSWhen they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the Ducks!' So, they enter Heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman.' The next day, the second guy accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as the first guy. The third guy has observed all this and..... not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any duck. One day, St. Peter comes up to him.... with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on, a very tall, tanned, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?' She replies, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NEWLYWEDS"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?" So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?" "No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE GENIEThey stumble upon an unusual lamp. A voice heard from a genie within the lamp begs to be set free.... in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the women just doesn't believe it, and says: "Ok, if you can really grant wishes, than double my I.Q." The genie says: "Done." Suddenly, the woman starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly. . The second woman is so amazed she says to the genie : "Triple my I.Q." The genie says: "Done." The woman starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems.... that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc. The last woman is so enthralled with the changes in her friends, that she says to the genie: "Quintuple my I.Q." The genie looks at her and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider." The woman says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "Please," says the genie "You don't know what you're asking... it'll change your entire view on the universe... won't you ask for something else. .. a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the genie said, the woman insisted on having her I.Q. increased by five times. So the genie sighed and said: "Done." And she became a man. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Crown RoyalThe bartenders asks "What's the happy occasion?" "It's not so happy," the guy replies, "I just found out my older son is gay. "Sorry about that," the bartender replies. A month later the same guy goes to the bar and asks the bartender to line up 20 shots of Crown Royal. The bartender says "I hope it's a happy occasion this time." "Not really," the guy replies, "I just found out my other son is gay." With that he drinks the shots and leaves. Six months later the guy walks into the bar again and asks the bartender to give him the whole bottle instead of lining up shots. The bartender decides to ask the guy a personal question, "Doesn't anybody like girls in your house?" The guy replies "Yes, my wife does." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HELLHe was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder, gentler, more customer friendly Hell, each person is offered three choices of torture. The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1,000-year cycles and you could pick which cycle to begin with. The Devil took John to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. John said he did not think that was where he wanted to start. They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a cat-o'-nine-tails. John also declined this form of torture. The third room had a old man strapped to the wall naked, and a very beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him. John told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he wanted. The Devil said, 'Are you sure? It lasts for a thousand years!' John assured him this was the punishment he wanted. So the Devil walked over to the young blonde woman and said... 'You can go now, I've found your replacement.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE TEACHERThe teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude..... and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUNKA drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing. The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting. The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally the drunk replies, "No use knockin,' pal......... There's no paper." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
