 
NEW Added on 5/31/2010
A GOOD EXCUSE
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed
when he suddenly saw flashing red lights behind him.
'There's no way they can catch a BMW,' he thought to himself and sped up even more.
Then the reality of the situation hit him, 'What the hell am I doing?'
he thought and pulled over.
The traffic cop came up to him, took his driving license without a word, and examined it and the car.
'It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th.
I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your speeding
that I haven't heard before, you can go.'
The man thinks for a second and says,
'Last week my wife ran off with a policeman.
I was afraid you were trying to give her back.'
'Have a nice weekend,' said the officer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/30/2010
THE PERFECT RESTAURANT
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall,
"We are the best restaurant in the world, and we offer PERFECT SERVICE!
We will give you $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"
When his waitress arrives, he orders an elephant ear on a bun.
She calmly writes down his order and ask's 'African or Indian Elephant'?
Flabergasted the customer answers 'Indian elephant'.
The waitress walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen.
He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says,
'I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of buns!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/29/2010
HEAVENLY JUSTICE
Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer.
Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away.
It was an obsession.
One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing.
The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The urge to play golf overcame him and the preacher was in a quandary as to what to do.
He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church.
He packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where
no one would recognize him.
Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed.
He went to God and said, 'Look at the preacher.
He should be punished for what he is doing.'
God nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole.
He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed
right in the cup 250 yards away.
A picture-perfect hole-in-one.
He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked.
He turned to God and said,
'I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.'
God smiled and said, "I did, - who can he tell"?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/28/2010
IN THE DOCTORS OFFICE
A man is having problems with his erection which certainly had seen better times.
He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says....
"Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years.
Your penis is burned out; you only have 30 erections left."
The man walks home (deeply depressed);
His wife meets him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said.
He tells her what the doc told him.
She says, "Oh no, only 30 times!
We shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!"
He replies,
"Yes, I already made a list on the way home....
Sorry, your name isn't on it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/27/2010
NOW THE BLONDES ARE PICKING ON MEN!!
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
Why are all dumb Blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/26/2010
Well, folks, it has finally happened.
The BLONDES of the world are taking revenge on the Brunettes:
WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?
A brunette who's told too many Blonde jokes.
WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?
Brown-bagging it.
WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?
No one else wants it.
WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?
So brunettes can remember them.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?
Invisible.
WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
"Has the Blonde left yet? "
WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.
WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?
When was the last time you saw a Blonde witch?
WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?
The invitation
WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE?
A hostage
WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher-Price
WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/25/2010
BLONDE 2009 YEAR IN REVIEW
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
"duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast-stroke swimming competition....
learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....
car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....
instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911.....
"duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
What a year!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/24/2010
"LET ME EXPLAIN"
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip....
and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked,
with a lovely young woman.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house....
her husband stopped her and said,
"Honey, before you leave, please let me explain."
The wife stopped to listen.
He continued, "I was driving along the highway....
I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled,
so I offered her a lift.
She was also hungry....
so I brought her home and made her a meal....
from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like.
She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes....
which you'd discarded simply because they were out of style.
She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday ....
the one you never wore because the colors didn't suit you.
Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good....
but much too small for you now."
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this....
but still needed just one question to be answered.
"That's all fine and good," she said,
"but why did I find you both in our bed with no clothes on?"
The husband replied, "Well, that's simple....
see, as she was about to leave the house....
she turned to me and asked,
"Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/23/2010
Making Money
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,
'Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression.
I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple.
I spent the entire day polishing the apple and....
at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
'The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples.
I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.
I continued this system for a month,
by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.
'Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/22/2010
Another Fight
Walking into the bar, Harry said to the bartender,
"Pour me a stiff one, Eddie, I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" asked Eddie. "And how'd this one end?"
"When it was over, "Harry replied,
"She came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really?" Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said.....
"Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/21/2010
THE BARTENDER
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
'Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.'
'ONE CENT - that's awesome!' exclaimed the guy.
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks
'Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?'
'Certainly, sir, 'replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money.'
How much money?' inquires the guy.
'4 cents,' replies the bartender.
'FOUR cents!' exclaims the guy.
'Where's the Guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replies, 'Upstairs with my wife.'
The guy says, 'What's he doing with your wife?'
The bartender replies...
'Same as I'm doing to his business!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/20/2010
PENIS MALFUNCTION
Bob goes to the doctor and says,
"Doc, I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"
After a complete examination, the doctor tells him,
"Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged.
There's really nothing we can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment."
Bob asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"
"Well," the doctor says,
"What we should do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."
Bob thinks about it silently and says,
"Well, the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."
A few weeks after the operation,
Bob was given the green light to use his improved equipment.
He planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend....
and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
In the middle of dinner, he felt a stirring between his legs......
it continued to the point of being uncomfortable.
To release the pressure,
Bob unzipped his fly.
His penis immediately sprang from his pants....
went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and returned to his pants.
His girlfriend was stunned at first and then said with a sly smile,
"That was incredible!
Can you do that again?"
Bob replied,
"Well I guess so......
but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/19/2010
THE GOLF COURSE
One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in.
He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday.
"9.30 okay?"
George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late.
Wait for me."
The following Sunday George showed up right on time.
Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.
They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30.
George again said,
"Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late.
Wait for me."
The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot.
This time he played right-handed and beat them again.
"Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked.
George said, "Sure if I'm ten minutes late..."
Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute...
You always say you may be ten minutes late.
But you're always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed."
George said, "Well, that's true - I'm superstitious.
If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side,
I play right-handed.
If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed."
"What if she's lying on her back?"
George said,
"That's when I'm ten minutes late!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/18/2010
THE GOOD SAMARITAN
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal with no arms...
As Bob is standing there taking care of business,
he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.
Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK"
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps......
with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs and reeks something awful.
Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and bob points it for him.
Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says,
"I don't know, but I AIN'T TOUCHING IT... "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/17/2010
THE GORILLA
A man walked into his backyard in a residential neighborhood one morning.
He saw a 600 pound Gorilla sitting in his tree.
He telephoned the Zoo to capture the Gorilla,
and shortly a Zoo Keeper arrived with a stick, a pair of hand cuffs,
a tiny Chihuahua, and a shotgun.
"Now listen carefully", he told the homeowner.
"I am going to climb the tree, and poke the Gorilla with this stick,
until he jumps to the ground.
My trained Chihuahua will go right for the Gorilla's testicles,
and when the Gorilla crosses his hands over his testicles to protect himself,
you slap on the hand cuffs without delay."
"OK... got it," the homeowner replied.
"But what is the shotgun for?"
The Zoo Keeper says
"If I should fall out of the tree before the Gorilla...
SHOOT the Chihuahua!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/16/2010
MY FIRST TIME
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what she wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing my hands on her breast.
I remember my fear my fast beating heart
But slowly she spread her legs apart
And when I did it I felt no shame .
All at once the white stuff came
At last it's finished it's all over now
My first time ever at milking a cow.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/15/2010
BULLSHIT
A turkey was standing in a field chatting to a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree,"
sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually....
gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse,
emerged with a shotgun, and shot the turkey right out of the tree.
The Moral of the Story:
Bullshit might get you to the top.....
but it won't keep you there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/14/2010
THE NUDE BEACH
Little Johnny is at a nudist beach with his mother and father...
As the boy walked along the beach,
he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's,
and asked her why.
She told Little Johnny,
"The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Little Johnny, pleased with the answer,
goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men
have larger weiners than his dad.
His mother replied,
"The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly tells his mother,
"Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach....
and the longer he talks....
the dumber he gets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/13/2010
THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A doctor sat his patient down and said:
'Well, I've have both good news and bad news'.
'Start with the bad news',
the patient said.
'You have about 2 days to live', the Doctor answered.
'Oh My God!!!', the patient shouted.
'What's the good news?'.
'See my new hot receptionist.......
I'm banging her'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/12/2010
FOOT FETISH
The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening,
as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment,
the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Susan, tell me -
do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl,
"I do happen to have a foot fetish -
but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/11/2010
LONDON 1945
A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train
in London.....
during the early days of post-WWII.......
only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit.
As he walked the length of the train.....
he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats.
A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog.
The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint......
but she pointedly ignored him.
"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke,
"Is this your dog?
would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"
The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent,
"oh! You Americans. You are so rude.
Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."
The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog...leaned over......
opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out.
The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation,
and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.
"You Americans", he said,
"You drive on the wrong side of the road.......
you eat with the wrong fork...
and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/10/2010
BUBBA DIED
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burnt pretty bad.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body,
so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad.
Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over,
and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.
Gomer took a look at him and said,
"Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said,
"No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked,
"How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes.
Every time we went to town, folks would say.........
'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/9/2010
BLONDE JOKE
Q: How do you get a one-armed Blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/8/2010
REJECTION LINES
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women
(and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may
hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend.
(who's really my male cat and a
half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date
you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and
unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. I just want to be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell
you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and
have sex with).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/7/2010
BUBBA
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Bubba said: 'Shingles.'
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.'
So she wrote down his height, weight,
a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles..'
So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram,
and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in.....
and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.'
The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said,
'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/6/2010
THE UNION BROTHEL
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madam.
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street
in search of a more equitable shop.
At the second one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madam.
"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again.
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the Madame said,
"Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned.
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said.
He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead.
"I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir,"
said the Madame while gesturing to a grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner,
"But Ethel here has seniority."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/5/2010
THE HUNTERS
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing.
The other whips out his mobile phone and calls 911 emergency.
He gasps out to the operator: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says:
'Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead.'
There is silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: 'OK, now what?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/4/2010
THE DROWNING
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sunk to the bottom & stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act....
he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital,
as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said,
'Mary, I have good news & bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged because....
since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient,
I think you've regained your senses.'
The bad news is,
Jim, the patient you saved....
hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom.
I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Mary replied
"He didn't hang himself........
I put him there to dry."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/3/2010
THE DIAGNOSTIC COMPUTER
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/2/2010
MAGIC CURE
Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath...
They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated.
They theorize that oral sex will bring her out of the coma.
They go to the lobby and tell her husband their theory.
The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first, but he agrees to do it.
The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy.
They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead!
"What happened?" asks one of the nurses.
The man replies,
"I dont know........
I think she choked."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 5/1/2010
BLACK BOX
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged.....
they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years.
The auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks
in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances....
in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states....
the last words of drivers in 71.2 percent of fatal crashes were,
"Oh, Shit!"
Only the state of Texas was different.....
where 89.3 percent of the final words were....
"Hold my beer and watch this!"
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