 DOGSThe bartender says, 'Get out of here with that dog!' Big Mike protests, 'But this ain't just any dog... this here dog can play the piano!' The bartender replies, 'Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!' So Big Mike sits the dog at the piano, and the dog starts playing ragtime, a little swing, some Elton John. The bartender is amazed and patrons are enjoying the music. Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks Big Mike, 'What the Hell was that all about?' Big Mike replies, 'Oh, that was his mother. The bitch wants him to be a doctor.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ KIDS CUSSING"You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say "hell" and you say "ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room & shouts, "You can just stay there till I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SISTER MARY MARGARET"I'd like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey," she tells O'Flynn. The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too." "Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father O'Reilly. His constipation, you know." O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag. Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way. Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret. She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side. "Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father O'Reilly's constipation." "It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he sees me, he's gonna crap!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE GREEDY WIFEA week later Dianne agrees to marry him. After just a couple of weeks.... the man notices that Dianne is beginning to ignore him. When they do make love she is indifferent or calls out other men's names. When they go out on the town she flirts with other men. Finally the husband has had enough and confronts her. "Dianne...is the only reason you married me because.... my grandfather left me 10 million dollars?" "Don't be silly," she says, " It doesn't matter to me who left it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LITTLE JOHNNY'S STORYthe woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND......" Mommy tells him to slow down..... but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods.... the undressing.... laying down on the seat.... and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing.... Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWO STORKSThe baby stork is crying so the father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, and the baby stork is crying again. The mother says, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate because their son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE GENIEOne man took his pipe out of his gold bag and asked the other one if he had a lighter. The other man pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter and handed it to him. The first man said "Where did you get that?" The second man said, "From my genie." The man pulled a lamp out of his bag and rubbed it. The genie appeared and asked what he wanted. He said a million bucks and the genie went back into the lamp. As soon as he disappeared, a million ducks flew overhead. "Wait a minute," the first man said, "that’s not what you asked for." The second man said, "My genie has bad hearing. Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ POOR COMUNICATIONDuring the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FUNERALAt the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "watch out for that dammed wall! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEAfter a while the bartender says to them, "Ladies, you have been sitting here chanting 3 Weeks! Why?" The Blondes stop chanting and look up. "Well," says one of the Blondes, "we just finished a puzzle." "So. What does that have to do with anything?" the bartender asked. "Well, the box says 3 to 5 years. We finished it in 3 Weeks!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HEAVENto enter heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DENTISThe was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as easy as you," said the dentist. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Burg turned to his wife Bonnie. "Show him your tooth, Honey." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NAMESMorris, the host, called his wife by many endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice. After all these years, you still call your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell the truth, I forgot her name years ago." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Floodwhen all of a sudden it started raining, really, really, hard. After about 1 full hour of complete non-stop rain, they started making evacuations because the whole church was flooding, but the preacher just stood there in the ankle-deep water. A guy in a car came up to him and said. "Preacher,Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" But the preacher just replied "Don't worry God will save me." The man then said "Whatever!" and drove away. The water was now knee-deep and a guy in a raft came over to the Preacher and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" Despite the second warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." The man then said "Whatever" and rowed away in the orange raft. The water was now waist-deep and a guy in a power boat came to the Preacher and said "Preacher,Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" Despite the third warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." With that the man said "Whatever!" and jetted away in the power boat. The water was now neck-deep and a guy in a helicopter came and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get your butt in here before you drown" The Preacher still just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." And with that the man said "Whatever" and flew away. The water then got so deep that the Preacher was sucked under and died. When he opened his eyes he noticed that he was in heaven. He then saw God and asked "God! Why didn't you save me from that horrible flood?!?" God then replied, " I sent you a car,a raft,a power boat, and a helicopter! What else do you want from me?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Relationship with GodAll of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Cohen said, "Morris everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with yourself, and have a good relationship with God?" Morris replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, *poof* . . . the light goes on when I go to the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off!" "Wow," commented Dr. Cohen, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Cohen called Morris's wife. "Becky," he said, "Morris is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to callbecause I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom andthen *poof* the light goes off?" Becky replied, "The darn fool! . . . He's peeing in the fridge again!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE UGLY BABYand extremely ugly baby on her lap. "Lady," the conductor said, "that is by far the ugliest baby I have ever seen." The woman, horrified by the conductor's comment, began screaming at him, and demanded that her money be refunded and the conductor be fired. The head conductor then came into the car and tried to smooth things over. "Listen, lady," he said, "if you will forget all about this matter, I'll see that you get the best treatment possible, I'll give you your money back, and I'll even try to find you a nice, ripe banana for that monkey of yours." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEHe wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The Blonde quickly responded, "The living one." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEIt was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE NUDISTHe receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose look too long." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CREATIONdusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after his children empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BABY DOCTORThis woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." "The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor?" "What's wrong?" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly.... but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite........ what's that?" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the....er... features... of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God!............................ You mean my baby has a penis and a brain?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEthe barber asked her to take them off but she said no, so he started to cut her hair then he took off the headphones and the Blonde died. The barber put the headphones on his ears and the tape said " breathe in, breathe out.....breathe in, breathe out....." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE NAKED WOMANand they saw a naked woman. One of them turned and ran away, the other two were worried and chased after him. When they caught up to him, they asked him why he had run away. He said.... "Because my mom told me if I ever saw a naked woman I'd turn to stone, and I did feel something start to get hard." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PROSTITUTEThey talk, they flirt, and the koala takes her home. After a night of passion the koala climbs out of bed and rambles towards the door. 'Where are you going?' yells the prostitute. 'I haven't been paid.' Suspecting that the koala might not understand the nature of her profession, she reaches for a dictionary and shows him the definition. 'Prostitute: n. a woman who performs sexual services for money.' Where upon the koala grabs the dictionary and shows her the definition: 'Koala Bear, n. a furry marsupial.... Eats bush and leaves.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THREE DUCKSOne in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender. The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation. 'What's your name?' He says to the first duck. 'Huey' said the first duck. 'How's your day been, Huey?' 'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day'. 'Oh. That's nice.', says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck 'Hi. And what's your name?'. 'Dewey' came the answer. 'So how's your day been, Dewey?'. 'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again'. So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says 'So, you must be Louie'. 'No', growls the third duck, 'My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my damn day'. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKEwhen he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. 'Why are you eating grass?' he asked one man. 'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'Oh, come along with me then,' instructed the lawyer. 'But, sir, I have a wife and two children!' 'Bring them along!' replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, 'Come with us.' 'But sir, I have a wife and six children!' the second man answered. 'Bring them as well!' answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.' The lawyer replied, 'No problem.... the grass at my home is almost a foot tall.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LION TAMERThe ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, 'Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew.' 'Really?' said the ringmaster. 'Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?' 'Yes he did,' the man replied. 'And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?' 'Yes he did,' the man replied. 'And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?' 'Just once,' the man replied. The ringmaster asked, 'Why only once?' And the man said, 'I was looking for my father.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PROTECTIVE FATHERShe is 18, slim, pretty, well-spoken, intelligent and (as far as he knows) has never had any kind of sexual intimacy with any male. Unfortunately she does have a minor heart condition, and he worries about her falling ill. Imagine his horror when one day she announces that she is bringing her boyfriend home for dinner - and worse, that she wants to get engaged to him. The day comes, and the boyfriend turns up. He has long tangled hair, several tattoos, a sleeveless denim jacket and dirty jeans with holes in. He sits on the living room floor, chewing gum and sniffing loudly. Her father is horrified, but tries his best to engage the lad in conversation. However, the boy is quiet and seems rather bored by the whole thing. Eventually, the girl and her mother leave the room and it's time for a 'man-to-man' talk. 'Er, I understand you wish to marry my daughter,' says the father. 'Yeah, sort of,' replies the boyfriend. 'Do you have a job?' 'Nope.' 'Are you looking for one?' 'Nope.' At this point, father becomes desperate to find an excuse to get rid of this looser and stop him from marrying his daughter. 'Er, I don't know if you realize that my daughter has acute angina?' says the father. 'Yeah, lovely, isn't it, and her boobs are nice too.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKEby asking them their name and what their father does for a living. The first little girl says: ' My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman. The next little boy says: ' I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic. Then one little boy says: 'My name is Jimmy and my father is a.... striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men!. The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard at recess all the little kids ask Jimmy.... if it was really really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said that his Dad was really a lawyer, but was too embarrassed to say so! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEso her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the Blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The Blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NEW VIAGRA SLOGANSViagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight. Viagra, Strong enough for a woman, but made for a man. Viagra, We bring good things to life! This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs...Viagra! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
